IM SORRY BUT THIS IS AN X-FILES BLOG NOW

So, I told him, "they're not unconnected- we were talking about going to the carnival, and the carnival is on the same fairgrounds they used to use for the rodeo, and one time at the rodeo my brother spilled sprite on himself and a bee went up his shirt and stung him, and bees die when they sting, but wasps don't, and I was wondering why, so I asked you."

ng about lincoln

Oh god. Well.

Let me first give you a visual description of my teacher. He was a short man, about sixty years old, with sandy skin, sandier hair, and small, moist eyes that might have passed as “beady” if they had not been shockingly, distractingly blue. Blue as robins’ eggs. Blue as limpid pools of laundry detergent. Alkaline blue, like a used pH test strip. Twitter blue. They were not deep enough to get lost in, like the ocean-eyes of romantic poetry, but plenty of people have drowned in half an inch of stagnant water. It happens.

Mr. S was born on February 12. He seemed to believe that this gave him a profound spiritual connection to Abraham Lincoln—I suppose we should all be grateful that he was not born April 20 instead.

Now, I can appreciate a good special interest. I indulge and enjoy my friends’ obsessions, as they do the same for me. But there comes a point where someone can have too many images of the sixteenth president of the United States in one 8th grade classroom, and Mr. S found it. It was one thing to sit and take exams under the gaze of the basketball-sized pupils of the floor-to-ceiling portrait of Mr. Lincoln that took up one wall—it was another to try to concentrate while being stared down by the rubber Lincoln masks or the life-sized cutouts. Lincoln’s likeness papered nearly every inch of the classroom’s walls—a walk-in kaleidoscope of black, white, and beard. It was a lot.

Mr. S used to cosplay as Lincoln on a regular basis, both for historical reenactment at public events and in respectful observation of his birthday and the anniversary of his death. He would come to school in a Lincoln costume and read us descriptions of Lincoln by his contemporaries. It was through Mr. S that I learned that our sixteenth president possessed a trim figure with lean, defined muscles and washboard abs that surprised and impressed the doctors during his autopsy. To hear him tell it, the beauty of the dead president’s body was so powerful that it temporarily distracted from his assassination.

On April 15, we all watched in vague unease as Mr. S showed up to class with his fake beard and his stovepipe hat and a grim set to his features. He stood before the class without a word, put his hand over his heart, and swayed back and forth silently mouthing something as he stared into the lifeless face of one of the countless Lincoln effigies while playing the a recording of the national anthem. There was dreamy rapture in his eyes—an almost orgasmic trace-state that left us all exchanging uncomfortable glances.

One would think—hope, perhaps—that this obsession with Lincoln would translate into a passion for abolitionism and civil rights. That the so-afflicted would take up the cause of anti-racism, voting equality, and racial justice.

Not so!

they call me lil man lil dick itty bitty meat stick my vienna sausage dumb soft  i cant even nut quick

these rhymes go hard though like hot piss, cold snow you aint even know my dick cant get hard tho

it’s not just you, sun bears just look incredibly bizarre when you stack them up against other bears!

pictured: bear

pictured: film extra from the first narnia movie in a hyperreallistic fursuit:

but as always, there are real valid reasons behind mother nature’s stupid horseshit!

the sun bear has bizarrely humanlike limbs because, living in a hot tropical environment, they have no need for the enormous fat reserves of the temperate bears! this makes their bodies a LOT thinner and really screws up their proportions. 

like really, REALLY screws up.

but sun bears do actually have longer front legs than other bears, along with larger claws, longer tongues, and cartoonishly mobile muppet faces.

and for good reason: sun bears are specialized predators of social insects!

the long legs and huge claws let the sun bear rip into beehives and termite mounds alike with wild abandon, while the long tongue and agile face assist the sun bear with getting all slurpy slurpy on the innocent hive insects and their delicious larva who were just going about their normal insect day when the sun bear rolled into town.

“aaaieeee! please, not the children!”

now insects aren’t ALL a sun bear eats, by any means, but they DO form the bulk of the protein in the sun bear’s diet, so they’ve got good reasons to look the way they do!

humans just tend to find the wonky proportions pretty off-putting, and it doesn’t help that many sun bears also have light-colored eyes which humans find incredibly freaky.

NYEGH okay that is pretty awful.