god (self diagnosed)

if you make up a new gendered binary to sort people into and nonbinary people ask "well where do I fit into this?" and your answer is "that depends on the sex you were assigned at birth" well I dont think thats very good, tbh

Not to be a smug online disabled gay transsexual but as someone who's had a lifelong spasmodic intestinal condition, I kinda find the whole explosive diarrhea outbreak kinda...amusing. Oh. You can't make it work because you're shitting yourself? Wow. Didn't you write me up for the same thing just last month?

Somewhere out there on a planet very far away is a civilization that has included our sun in a beloved constellation of some animal we couldn't dream up if we tried

I like your brain

asked one of my coworkers how she's doing today and she goes "could be better, could be worse," and another coworker nearby who was eavesdropping chimes in with "could be a lil bit o' alligator curse!" i have no idea what he meant by that but i do know that it has been immediately added to the lexicon.

used to think it terribly silly (and kinda funny) when fantasy or sci-fi stories would have people refer to major recent historical events as The Flood or The Incident or The Revolution, and im sure historians fucking hate that because it's not helpful or descriptive, but we sure do be calling it The Pandemic

if you set off a rube goldberg type death trap to kill someone, if it's a long enough machine, it ceases to become your fault if somebody dies at the end. that's how I've gotten away with it all these years, and why I'm still going to heaven.

walking down the street and saw someone walking the other direction with a pig in a harness and leash and I stupidly asked, "is that a pig?" and he replied, "I sure hope it is, it was a pig when I left the house"

*at a family gathering* you’re all like coworkers to me

casting a spell to turn a million sad and miserable girls into the happy, fat and hairy men, transmascs and dykes they were always meant to be

It is so unsettling that Obama has killed thousands via drones covered up that children were being killed and families were wiped out and relatives have to live with the fact theyll never get justice and now I have to see people repost his reading list every year. Liberals would be horrified if Putin did something like that but when its Obama or Bush or Clinton they just dont care