I Won’t Make Eye Contact, Stop Asking.

But I disappeared in a less literal sense too: my brain changed. I could no longer read, much less write. I am, fundamentally, no longer myself. I didn't even know that was a possibility until it happened to me. And I miss my old brain, and my ability to write poetry, to think poetically and deeply about things, to feel intensely. All of those things are gone now.

I don't feel interested in doing that

I don't care enough to

I'm too good to be doing that

I don't think you deserve that of me

I'm not in the mood to do that

Not now, I'll do it later

Maybe

If that's what I meant, that's what I would say

What I am saying is:

It will negatively affect me in ways I can't afford

I simply can't physically fucking do that

I can't risk the potentially severe consequences I may experience if I overestimate my ability to do that

And if I explain that I am unable to do that, it is not an invitation to:

Tell me how much my disability hurts your feelings

Ask if I'm sure

Interrogate me because you believe yourself to be the judge of how unwell is unwell enough

Put words in my mouth ("why don't you care?")

Tell me how easy it would be

Remind me of how many other things I've been unable to do. I keep the score more than you do

Accuse me of exaggerating or faking to avoid doing it

Ask me again shortly

Make assumptions about additional explanations. (I must be mad at you, I must not care about this)

Offer compensation in return ("I can pay you" "we can do something you want to do after" "I'll get you something you like")

Ask what it would take for me to suddenly be capable of doing it

Tell me how you do things you have to do when when you're tired and then you can just rest and recover. I am not like you

Remind me of a time I was able to do that. Either I had more spoons or was less severely disabled if at all.

Say that if I was well enough to do X today, I should be able to do this as well. Energy doesn't work that way. Are you capable of running 8 miles right this minute just because you were okay to work a 10 hour shift today? That's what I thought

Suggest simply doing it a certain way ("take your time", "do it sitting down", "we can stop and take breaks", "just take your painkillers", etc)

But it is an invitation to:

like why is the park locked after 5pm so I can't go and sit under a tree after work? to punish rough sleepers for the terrible crime of being homeless and alive

why do I have to buy a drink, beg for a code and fuck around with an awkward keypad for 5 minutes in order to take a piss? because fuck homeless people

why do I need to provide proof of address and photo ID to do everything? because we had to create a really hostile environment for migrants

why can't you sit anywhere? well because god forbid people sleep when they're pushed out of shelter. can't risk that.

that conditioned response is considered a form of learned helplessness wherein the victim stops fighting back against what it believe to be the inevitable

but not everyone breaks under torture

transition

bdsm

ADHD medication

go outside for an hour and observe birds