Be Gay Do Crime

you weren’t a “well behaved” child you had anxiety and were terrified of conflict

Also when they just make an observation but they expect you to know that they’re asking for something. Like “Oh the trash can is pretty full.” But they really mean “Could you take the trash out?” Just fuckign say what you mean 😒

When they don’t put their shopping cart back where it belongs 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

One thing I’ve learned in life, if you act really self-assured and confident you can pretty much get away with anything.

For example, I’ve watched someone walk on to a plane with no passport. Just walked right on.

Once walked out of a dude’s house with a pair of his pants slung over my shoulder. Did all the usual eye-contact, saying-goodbye movements and noises, just… while stealing his pants. He did not notice. 

I told my English teacher that she graded my final paper(I did not turn one in) and that she told me it was well written. She scrambled 3 days trying to find the nonexistent paper, then apologized to me for losing it and gave me a 96%. Confidence is key

my dad’s mate just walked out of a shop with a canoe and didn’t get questioned

Humans are like bees: if they sense you’re an intruder all hell will break loose, but if you get inside the hive they just assume you belong there. Be confident.

Bee confident

This is funny but also true, and a huge tip when traveling. Act like you belong, and you won’t be bothered like other tourists might. Especially on public transportation… do your research ahead of time and look like a disinterested commuter and you’ll blend right in.

Fun Fact about Bees: they use pheromones to communicate and the pheromone to signal ALARM is the same chemical that makes bananas smell like bananas so if you eat a banana and then breathe on a beehive you will regret it and this seemed relevant when i started writing it

Don't be afraid to be big and pretty.

I thought this was fake, but no, it appears you cannot open the door to a Tesla model S from the outside if it's not powered. Somebody legit died because of this.

LITERALLY some of you don’t fucking know what “disposable income is” like i cannot stress ENOUGH that someone who was able to get animal crossing on day 1 of launch or a ps5 preorder that is still only working minimum wage job and/or cannot pay their rent on a monthly basis is NOT your enemy bruv they are NOT “the rich” like PLEASE cement that in your head. 

The way some people will try to constantly redefine wealth just so they can put a big scarlet R on any person who’s ever experienced a single moment of pleasure or relief is so fucking wild to me. “You can’t be moral unless every day of your life is a joyless struggle full of deprivation and suffering.” Like JFC you’re Catholic, we get it.

someone please tell me if this is actually in accordance with how you spell irish stuff

The Virgin latinize vs the tead gealicise

@whosayscrimedoesntpay