hunger does not need a name

broke my phone by throwing it against the wall, a month after the last time i did that. i'd be embarrassed if the people at the repair place recognized me, and i feel like they would. i stand out. it's not worth fixing, maybe i'll just see how long i can go without a phone. struggling with shame again, with jealousy, with despair. i don't like the person i am. i try so hard and i feel so broken, at the end of the day. i feel like i've tried it all. i feel like things were meant to get easier with time and they haven't. there are things i want but i don't think i deserve them. tired of just finding a way to survive. switched from therapy every other week to every week. maybe it'll help. i don't know. i think the problem is me. i don't know.

i have half a good day and then the pain is back. got up, did the dishes, asked myself what do i need, why does it hurt. had to lie back down on the couch because the answer is too much for me to hold. i've gotten scared of closeness. i love having my own apartment. i don't want to want anything else.

i want something to be easy for once. i've been struggling to move much, do much over the last few days. nothing is easy. even reading or watching tv isn't easy. i don't think i was put on this earth to do things that are easy but i'm tired of feeling so immobilized.

have so much fire in my heart but i'm just soaking in the swamp of misery. can't get up to microwave dinner. my heart is hurt, i want to shut down but when i shut down i can't do the things i want to do. i'm so sad. i'm so so so sad.

i'm trying to be a person who likes being alive. maybe that's a bit hard to believe. i'm on the metro going to my book club. i'm trying to metabolize the hurt in me. i'm pissed off.

i wish i could find a rain that didn't have a broken brain to live my life instead of me. i have a good life in a lot of ways, and a lot of opportunities to do important organizing work, and a lot of responsibility that i don't know how to handle. i don't know know why i'm the one living it.

body hurts, brain hurts, it's almost 2pm and i haven't done anything. feel like i'm reverting back to an old version of me. the things she said to me yesterday really hurt, even if she apologized. i don't know what kind of person i'm becoming. i want to lock the door to my apartment and not come out for a long time.

if i was a machine i would be a very good machine. the people's machine. clean, mechanical, smooth. i keep asking myself what healing means. unraveling and unraveling and unraveling and never getting anywhere. you have to preform an operation on your life if you want to be functional. divide, substract, multiply. i pour the little pink caffeine pills out of the bottle and chop them into pieces on the kitchen table. i want the exact right dose.