I wrote this all out once and then tumblr ate it as it was posting so I’m writing it again out of fucking spite.
Instead of a basic transition timeline, I wanna write something for the transfemmes who had their transitions delayed because of someone else, who are scared they may never be safe to transition. It’s worth surviving until you escape and can create yourself, I promise you.
In 2016, when I was 20, I first started to have realizations of Gender. I was dating my most abusive partner at the time, a semi-closeted transmasc who forced me to stop exploring my gender because of their own insecurities snd internalized transphobia - and because of how abusive the relationship was, I stopped out of fear and banished the thought from my mind. We were together for three-ish years.
These photos are the first time I put on makeup for myself that wasn’t for a costume or performance, taken about 30 minutes apart in 2016.
In January 2019, I finally escaped them safely, and immediately came out as an any-pronouns enby who often had curated facial hair. I knew nothing really about HRT and didn’t have any transfemme friends I could talk to more about it at the time. I kept my presentation and pronouns fluid through 2020-ish.
I’m including a small range of photos from this period bc I want y’all to see me experimenting with femme looks as well as having masc looks. I also used breastforms/inserts at this point depending on the day/look. These are from roughly 2019/2020:
In 2021, I started hormones (pills), stopped letting people use “he” pronouns at all for me, and settled on “They” as my primary pronoun. I also started focusing more on styling myself femininely and figuring out what I liked/wanted.
In 2022, I started interacting with the local trans community a lot more and started injections/monotherapy, which I found worked a *lot* better for me than pills.
These photos are from 2021/22:
Over 2023/24/25, I’ve increased my dosages, added progesterone, and have found better skincare/hair care routines for myself. I’d like to have surgeries eventually, but that’s complicated by the fact that many FFS surgeons only know how to work within white standards of beauty, and don’t know how to preserve “ethnic features” especially for Black trans women.
I also stopped allowing nonblack people to use “she/her/girl” pronouns for me for complicated racial reasons (although I still use other feminine terms), added “Fae/faer” as my primary pronouns in addition to “They/them”, and realized a lot more about my gender! I still identify as a non-binary trans woman, however.
These photos are from recently:
I wanted to say all this because I never thought I’d escape that relationship I mentioned and get to be myself. We broke up a week before we would’ve gotten married. I didn’t have hope and I thought being able to be who I really am was just.. lost to me. And I was wrong.
Even if it takes you longer to get there, even if you’re not safe right now or don’t feel comfortable right now, it’s worth surviving until you can, I promise. I wish I had been able to be myself in those three years I “lost” too, but I’m so fucking happy to be who I am now. I’ve been through a LOT of trauma since those first photos, I’m not gonna pretend it was easy to survive until now, but it’s so fucking worth it.
One day you’ll get to be the one telling younger trans women how it was hard for you to survive until you could transition, but that it’s so worth it to keep going until you can.
