Costallee Draws Stuff

I’m sorry, I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry. 

I’m sorry that my brain doesn’t always cooperate with me. I’m sorry that sometimes I get depressed for no good reason, and I can’t shake it no matter how hard I try. I’m sorry that when that happens, I sometimes cry and I don’t know why. I’m sorry that my anxiety crops up out of nowhere, and often leads to me making split second, bad decisions. I’m sorry that I’m sorry, and I’m sorry that these moods often lead to guilt spirals. I’m sorry that I feel like a burden when my brain gets this way. I’m sorry that I isolate myself even though I know it doesn’t make anything better. I’m sorry that I allow it to kill my creativity, and trap me in a constant state of apathy. I’m sorry that it kills my appetite, and that it leads to be not eating enough. I know that worries you, and I’m sorry for making you worry. 

There are some things I know though. I know that one day I will have the proper strategies to not spiral into negative moods. I know that one day I will learn to curb the negative thoughts before they escalate. I know that you care about me deeply, and that even though I am ashamed of myself and feel like you should be too, you love me and are proud of me. I know that I am getting better, and that days like this are slowly becoming less frequent. I know all these things, but I’m sorry that it’s easier for me to focus on the things I’m sorry about than the things that I know. I’m trying… I’ll get there. 

I have come so far since making this post! I went to therapy, I got on anti-depressants, and I basically started dealing with my depression and anxiety head on. My therapist specialized in cognitive behavioral therapy, and helped me challenge my negative thoughts. She gave me so many good, healthy coping mechanisms, and it saved my life.

I picked up pottery, and about a year into therapy I started rock climbing. It was huge for my confidence, body image, and social anxiety. :)

I’m still me. I still enjoy spending time alone, I am an introvert after all, but I also don’t go into anxiety spirals before social events or at random. Sure, sometimes I still get anxiety, but I recognize it now and am able to deal with it head on before it becomes an anxiety spiral! I don’t isolate myself out of depression or fear anymore, and I can’t remember the last time I randomly started crying.

Americans aren’t told this shit. 

The only thing we’re taught about any Middle Eastern country in school is that 1) the region exists 2) it’s where The War is happening and 3) Muslim people live there. That’s it. Maybe if you’re lucky you’ll get into the Hammurabi Code and some early Babylonian stuff but American schools seem to think that if it happened outside Europe and before the colonial period, or makes America look bad and isn’t about A Very Watered Down Version of What Slavery Was, it’s not important.

Info on this is almost notoriously hard to find. It’s not in any texts on American and Russian involvement in the Middle East during the Cold War that I can find. You have to specifically look for a book about the Shah’s return to power, and even then you’d be hard pressed to find a book like that at your local bookstore. Once you get into some higher level college courses you might know about it, but the people who can afford those are more likely to already be indoctrinated into a certain Way of Thinking (read: they’re racist as shit) by the time they get there. And it’s almost like you have to know about it beforehand if you want to find information on it.

She’s 60. She never heard of this.

As I was explaining this and how, during the Regan years, we funded Osama Bin Laden to fight against Russia, leading to the destruction of much of the infrastructure in the region, one of the plant workers came in to get his badge fixed.

He works in the quality control lab. He served 15 years active duty in the Army. Super smart guy, has a masters in chemistry and another masters in biology, raises saltwater fish in his spare time for sale, has the saltwater aquarium setup of the gods.  Raises rare corals too, some of which he donates to be used in re-seeding reefs around the world, but that’s a side tangent.

And he listened for a minute, then nodded and said “Yeah. I was there during that. I helped train people to fight. They wanted us to help them build schools and hospitals, after, but we were only interested in them as cannon fodder. Left the whole area in ruins. I wasn’t surprised when they hated us for it later. Told people then it would happen. We let them know then that they were only valuable to America as expendable bodies. Why wouldn’t they resent us for that?”

And she just looked floored.

“So…” She started, after a few minutes. “What do you think of Trump?”

“I hate him. He’s a coward and he’s going to get good people killed.” He didn’t even blink. “

She looked back and forth between us for a second, and then asked how I knew all this.

“I research things.” I said. “Google is great.” He nodded enthusiastically.

And she just sat there for a second and then said, really quietly, “I didn’t know.”

She lived through it.

He wasn’t just into copper trading. There are letters complaining about Ea-nasir’s business practices with respect to everything from kitchenwares to real estate speculation to second-hand clothing. The guy was everywhere.

The majority of the surviving correspondences regarding Ea-nasir were recovered from one particular room in a building that is believed to have been Ea-nasir’s own house.

Like, these are clay tablets. They’re bulky, fragile, and difficult to store. They typically weren’t kept long-term unless they contained financial records or other vital information (which is why we have huge reams of financial data about ancient Babylon in spite of how little we know about the actual culture: most of the surviving tablets are commercial inventories, bills of sale, etc.).

But this guy, this Ea-nasir, he kept all of his angry letters - hundreds of them - and meticulously filed and preserved them in a dedicated room in his house. What kind of guy does that?

Oh hey Tumblr Fam! You know how sometimes people that you knew when you were little grow up to do really cool things?? Well this girl I grew up with, Bea, is making this webseries called The T and it looks AMAZING! Check it out! 

Here’s the official synopsis: 

“ Set across Chicago, the T follows Jo and Carter, a young trans woman and queer Black man, as they learn how to be best friends in the wake of their romantic relationship, and Jo’s transition.” 

I mean just look at these cuties!! 

They’re adorable 

This is some high quality shit! 

It looks like it’s going to be really good, and I’m super excited. They have a kickstarter to raise funds for the editing and sound mixing etc. Check out the video on their page! If you feel like supporting some quality LGBTQ+ media, created by LGBT peeps, check it out! Spread the word! 

Astronaut readjusts to life back on Earth