Open now

i wonder if i can publish this but like only for myself. something i've always loved about tumblr its the lack of punctuation. v nice.

anyway, i don't know why i had this sudden urge to post. i'll use this blog as a diary so i can come back in the future and see where my head was. i just did that with some older posts, searching through the tags, and man. what a trip. i can't believe i've been struggling with the same stuff for the last 6 FUCKNG YEARS. amazing. at least i can say im constant at comething right??

currently listening to night shift as i write this (by lucy dacus) by the way

what are some of the struggles that have remained constant u may ask?

- comphet: i just read a post that i reblogged (sp?) in like 2014 about how confusing sexuality was. and now that i know more i know it reffered to comhet. now with the rise of tiktok and its scarily accurate and tailor-made fyp i saw a lot of vids about comphet. at least its nice knowing so many, and i mean SO MANY people feel exactly the same as i do.

-lewks: judging by the tags i used when i used to reblogg pretty people, i used to struggle a lot with self image. and its not like i needed to see those tags to know i did, but i had forgotten. and those feelings are back babyyy. i had gotten over them for a while there, but my mind is cyclical it seems.

i think those are the big ones.

some things have changed as well. i don't struggle with anxiety as much. AS MUCH. it still creeps up every once in a while. but now i manage it differently. i'll talk more about that some day, in more detail. also...i think i had self diagnosed myself as depressed???i mean, i can't blame past me. i did really want to off myself lol those feeling have been back as well in this second part of the year. got kinda scary for a moment. i mean i wouldn't ever actually do it of course but i was SAD with capital letters. thats also something ill talk about in another post.

another thihng that has changed too is i don't feel as lonely anymore. i have friends, and i need alone time a lot more now. idk why.

anywhoooo, just watched wild child and its SUCH A GOOD MOVIE. ahh, i don't know what about it reminded me of tumblr's existence but i'm glad.

im gonna start using this as i've found out some people use insta. i mean, ive seen how they use like a burner account and post every day so at the end of the year they have kind of like a 'wrapped' version of their year. i really liked that idea. but i'm a text girlie it seems. i've always been the type to need to get out her thoughts in writing.

i still haven't decided whether to make these public or not. i haven't really used this in such a long time that i don't even know what kind of followers i had. all fandoms i guess.