Brain Space

Allistic people, if you have an autistic friend, what you should be mindful of is that if you want your friend to go out and hang out with you and company, you ought to refrain from giving them a hard time about what they have to do in order to keep themselves safe and sane while they're away from their safe space (home) no matter the circumstances.

Speaking from personal experiences here, I know I want to get out of the house, go to places, spend time with friends, have fun. But if me leaving my comfort zone (which is never an easy thing to begin with) is met with the punishment of no accommodation and no consideration, well, guess what, I ain't going to want to do it again, at least not with the same people again.

The problem with most descriptions of the “symptoms” of autism is that they’re focused on the external appearance of autism. Not only did I (obviously) experience everything from the point of view of how it felt to me, I couldn’t connect it with the outside world—I just didn’t see it as a response or lack of response to things outside of me.

What was “wrong with me” at the time felt like this: I was Too Much—I thought too much, felt too much, was too much. My emotions were all completely disarming, searing, overwhelming experiences. I didn’t experience the world as Too Loud Too Big Too Much, I was too loud, too big, too much.

There was also this palpable disconnect between me and every other kid—I used to compare it to being in a fishtank. I observed other kids being befriended and liked, but couldn’t replicate that. I was just treated differently, often ignored or hated for no apparent reason, and I couldn’t pinpoint why or what it was, but there was something different between how kids treated each other and how they treated me.

I had no idea what I was doing that was different. There was no consciousness of any specific behavior that I did that was setting me apart from others. I can remember stimming, having some kind of speech impediment or stutter, using scripts to interact with people, and interacting in ways that would socially be considered very “odd,” but I never thought, “I am this way and others aren’t, and that is why I am treated differently.” I was not able to conceptualize how I might be perceived, to look at myself from an outside view, so to speak.

This is interesting to me (as a side note) since people claim autistics do not have “theory of mind.” I have always been strongly empathetic, and I think this high empathy may be connected to the apparent lack of “theory of mind.” I knew others did think and feel, but I had trouble understanding that they could think and feel about me.

That's me in the spotlight

The Loop - opening and closing the same three websites in succession for 15 minutes at a time before realizing that there’s not going to be anything new or worth doing on those websites (my three are Tumblr, Youtube and Wikipedia)

The Ack - seeing you have a new message and, though you have no evidence that it’s anything even remotely noteworthy let alone negative, feel intense dread and procrastinate looking at the message for 30 minutes/5 hours/a week

The Shimmy - changing sitting/laying positions every 5 minutes because god dammit i’m not going to be able to focus on whatever task i need to do if I feel any unwelcome physical sensation

The Ol’ Razzle Dazzle - making a hot beverage for yourself and then putting it down slightly out of reach and then not drinking it until 45 minutes later when it has already gone cold

The Bellwether - scrolling on Tumblr and getting the urge to google something/look up something on Wikipedia, but you keep scrolling and forget what you wanted to look up so you frantically scroll back to the thing that prompted you to think about looking the other (un)related thing up in the first place

The Bop - earnestly insisting that you’re not anxious because the other person sees your leg bouncing and thinks that you’re about to go postal

The Poison Dart - hearing someone say something problematic out loud and freezing because, while you want to correct them gently, you also feel intense dread and RSD that if you even so much as suggest dissent the person will immediately and commensurately stab you to death or snap their fingers and open a trapdoor to hell beneath you

The Ghost Breath - realizing you haven’t texted your friend back/at all/in 3 weeks and thinking “Hmmm, I need to do that” and then you don’t do it and much more time passes by 

The Stim Package - eating an entire family-sized bag of chips in one sitting because having something to chew on helped you concentrate, at least a little

The Bullfrog - going to get something that you don’t use often but you know exactly where it is and then it’s not there and you just keep going back to that spot 5 more times before realizing you lost it or it’s somewhere else completely different (like, not even in the same building)

The Morning Mist - regularly forgetting what recent life events actually happened and which ones were from extremely vivid dreams

The Seesaw Rivet - feeling like a wounded child who is about to get in trouble during every interaction you have even as you are entering your mid-to-late-20s and genuinely wondering when that pattern is ever going to stop if ever

My ADHD:

This is actually based on an earlier comic I did about a task I’d normally do easily, suddenly being much harder, but I really wanted to focus on the emotional aspect of it.

This happens a lot to me and it can be hard sometimes to recognize it is part of a cycle my brain will go through. My ADHD can have a huge impact on anxiety, so when my ADHD isn’t under control, my anxiety is allowed to go haywire.

It is not something you can do accidentally, regards of what you're talking about.

You can't accidentally fake depression, or anxiety, or bipolar disorder, or schizophrenia, or any other mental illness.

You can't accidentally fake Borderline Personality Disorder, Histrionic Personality Disorder, personality disorders.

You can't accidentally fake ADHD, autism, Tourette's Syndrome, auditory processing disorder, aphasia or any other neurodivergence

You can't accidentally fake being trans or ace-spec or aro-spec or any other LGBTQIA+ identity.

You can't accidentally fake chronic illnesses like CFS, fibromyalgia or any chronic illness.

You also can't accidentally fake being good/intelligent at something. You didn't fool your peers into reaching your position.

You can't accidentally fake trauma, PTSD/cPTSD, DID/OSDD/DDNOS or any other trauma-based disorder.

Tldr:

Faking is a conscious choice.

You cannot do it by accident.

Hm I'm hungry

Forgets about it

Everything Is Bad. I'm gonna attack someone. Shut up. Die

Hm I'm hungry

[Eats something] oh shit I'm cured

.

.

This.