unTITLEd

Well yes, it’s been a sometime since I discovered a form of expression (that’s what I’ll call it form now on wards)

I have tried but I could reach the euphoria but than one day I did. It was 1day and 7ths in, I woke up shaking around 1 am and I couldn’t even make popcorn 🍿

I want to experience it again, there’s something about that state I can’t explain it. It’s scary but so right and wrong and euphoric

Im losing weight even tough it’s slow im still losing weight and this has never happened before

Sometimes actually most times I do binge but this thing is so good that it covers up for the binged

⭐️🪽 (where was this when o was just 9 yrs old and insecure about my body for the first time)

SW: 65/63

GW: 45

CW: 58.50 (fluctuating)

FW: 60+

Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever make it. I feel like a devil takes control of me every time I binge. It was going so well, ate a filling breakfast but then I just have to eat everything that’s in the damn house. And I wanna blame my mom for buying more roof but I can’t because I was the one who promised myself and I was the one who broke the promise. Seriously though, I don’t think I can ever escape this shitty mess I’m in. Sometimes, I’m not wishing it on myself, but if I didn’t have so much excess money to waste I wouldn’t eat so much.

I’ve literally tried everything, saving my breakfast money to buy lipgloss, eating only in the night , omad , ⭐️🪽, purging (I couldn’t even do it), everything. Everything. I’m so fucking frustrated, why can’t I just be skinny, and I don’t think I’d be this mad if I was fast and rich or pretty or likeable. But it seems God put all the bad qualities on me. Fat, actually ugly (not just being mean to myself), mean person, ugly personality, and the most middle class as it can get.

Im so tired. I just can’t anymore. I just wanna have it all or even one and I’ll work on the others. But I need something to motivate me. I can’t even workout to burn off the calories I’ve eaten because it’s rainy so I can’t walk and when it’s not raining the sun is shining and I fucking hate the sun, and I’m to damn lazy to do a YouTube workout even though I have millions saved on my computer. God really just give me the most average life, average everything grades, family, looks every damn shit.

Current comfort series:

1. Pretty little things (just started and I’m loving it)

I can’t wait to just leave this damn control. I don’t even mind having a sugar daddy inc college as long as I’m getting money and than I’ll invest it to make more money so I want depend on anyone.

Anyways that’s enough rant for today

It’s so fucking unedited but whatever.

I want my man to have this tattoo:

I binged so much that I can’t even get up because I’m so full and my stomach is hurting me so bad. I actually really hate myself if I didn’t before. Why can’t I just stop, the food is not even that good. And the worst part about it is was going to purge but nothing I did worked, all that came out was water before and I do t even want to try it now. I feel like I don’t have any gag reflex anymore 😭

✨✨✨

How I feel right now btw/