Irreversible Mental Diarrhea, Unedited Wordplay.

Kaboom! I find it difficult to go back to sleep yet; had my eyes well-closed but my brain is de-deactivated, whatever. And so I type for whatever it's worth.  It's been a while that I've been doing nothing (pause) not that I'm proud of it but unlike older days I seem to be all right about it and just desire nothing else but to enjoy the warmth of this happily lazy period until supplies last.

I spent a lot of time running away from all the things that hurt. But because I was full of pride and valued my ego too much, before the running away era, I spent more time not admitting that I was, indeed, hurt and that I, too, lost something special. And before I fully realized it, I already have run away from a lot of things, more so people, who, in the first place, were not the reason for the hurt at all, who, in fact, just actually cared. I practically screwed up in every sense of the word and there is really no excuse for the person I became at that time, and for that I was sorry. I couldn't imagine the friends and love I think or felt I've lost along the way. It was a difficult time and I'm glad I’ve managed to stay sane or maybe come back to sanity once more. It is a hard-hitting world and, sometimes, nothing but complicated. You are right and I was so disillusioned for a very long time. I was wrong for insisting that life is simply black or white, yes or no, all or nothing, and nonetheless simple - epic fail. 

When we're hurt, we try to alleviate the suffering by all means, and in my case I resolved to finding quick fixes which never really touched the core of the hurt, just providing temporary relief but later on producing a side-effect such as rebound congestion which made me more susceptible to finding an alternative remedy which in time was bound to loop me back to the alluring cycle until that precise moment wherein you’ll have to tell yourself that what you thought to be the cure for so long was not working anymore or never really did in the first place. And until you have the courage and the humility to accept that you're damaged, lonely and lost will you find what you are really after, after all.

It's ironic at the same time irritatingly funny how I used to think that fighting back so hard will make me rise above against all the predicaments or at least feel better, little did I know that surrendering, which is not synonymous to losing hope, is much sweeter. To my great Literature professor, I apologize for my arrogance during my report 3 years ago when I insisted that the view at the top is more important than the climb. I realized that it's not always the act of winning that brings great joy; there is a certain grace about losing and accepting all its facets that makes us more human, more appreciative and more beautiful. I believe that losing doesn't just merely damage us, it gives us calibre.  It gives us the right attitude to win some and lose some.

Life is sweeter the second time around.  

#7  There's a time for everything.

To be unsure.  To fall.  To bounce back.

To hurt.  To run away.  To fight back.

To get lost.  To feel lost.  And in the darkness, somehow..

To just find a way back.

#5  Life is not a race, mamasyal ka muna.

TIME.  Something almost everyone is eager to get ahead of.  There is this very subtle yet implied social expectation to start studying young so that one can also finish a degree younger than the rest.  Kawawang mga bata, tatlong taong gulang pa lamang ay minamadali na ng kanilang mga magulang na ipasok sa nursery, na dapat ay naglalaro pa sa ganyang edad!  Anak ng tokwa, minsan lang ang mga yan maging bata!  Hayaan niyo na.

Right after college, trabaho naman ang pinag-uunahan.  Okay lang kung ikaw talaga mismo ang sobrang excited na magtrabaho pero kung sa pakiramdam mo ay nagahasa ka noong kolehiyo sa sobrang pagod, I think you deserve a break.  Kahit isang buwan lang.  Iba-iba naman kasi ang charging time natin.  Mahirap ma-lowbatt.  Pero sa sitwasyon ngayon, lalo na sa mga nars, duda ako kung kakailanganin mo pa magpasadya ng charging time sa sobrang hirap humanap ng trabaho.  Baka nga mabwisit ka pa at mapa-isip, isang buwan lang naman ng pahinga ang hinihingi ko, hindi isang taon!  At lalong hindi ko rin naman pinangarap na tumambay nalang mag-hapon sa tindahan ni Mang Timo at antaying dumaan yung naglalako ng fried isaw, ang sarap!  Tapos uuwi nalang kapag madilim na para masubaybayan ang lahat ng drama sa primetime.  Gusto ko lang namang mamasukan bilang nars o volunteer sa inyong ospital at hindi ko alam kung aanhin niyo ang recommendation ng parish priest kung may certificate of good morale naman ako mula sa unibersidad and the last time I checked, hindi po kasali sa job description ng isang nars ang maglinis ng kubeta o ang ma-assign sa laundry area.  Abuso naman po yun.  Hindi ako sure.  Pero teka lang mas marami na yata akong side comment kesa sa dapat ko talagang sabihin.  Nasobrahan na naman ata ako ng tsokolate.

Ano nga ba ang gusto kong sabihin?

Balikan mo yung mga bagay na una at dati mong kinagiliwan.  Noong hindi ka pa nababalisa kung saan makakahagilap ng $kuwarta - kaching kaching!  Noong hindi ka pa nagbabalak kung paano aabsent sa isang klase kasi binabasa lang naman ng iyong propesor ang kaniyang tinuturo punto por punto kaya mas gusto mo na lang kumain kila Mang Tuts o Aling Keps.

Balikan mo yung mga bagay na tuwang-tuwa kang gawin noong musmos ka pa.  At mula doon, isipin kung gusto mo ba talaga ito o isa na lamang childhood dream na matagal nang nakasanayan kaya nahihirapan kang bitawan.  Kung marami kang gusto, gawin mo lahat ito pero isa-isa lang.  Para hindi magulo.  Para nabibigay mo yung buong oras at lakas mo.  Nang sa gayon ay malaman mo ang sagot na napakailap.  Na kadalasan dumarating when you're one step away in making that BIG decision.  Na babago sayo at sa bukas mo.

Sabi nila, wala ka raw mapapala kung gagawin mo ang isang bagay na hindi mo masyadong gusto o hindi ka masyadong sigurado.  Isang MALAKING wateber.  Because in doing the things we're not so fond or sure of, we become sure.  Because in the process we find out what we don't like and when that happens, we're one step closer in finding out the things that we do like.

Yes.  The whole process will take time but it will be worth it.  Kasi kung patuloy mong gagawin ang isang bagay dahil sayang naman ang kursong natapos mo, dahil mas madali ang pera rito, dahil andito mga kaibigan mo, dahil andyan ka na, mapapagod ka rin.  At kapag pagod ka na, unti-unti you won't find joy with what you do anymore kahit ano pang mantra ang gawin mo.  I love my work. I love my pay. I love my work.  Repeat 3x.  Then you start to wonder, mga tanong na anytime kayang mag-fusion technique para patumbahin ka.  Taking you back to the start.

Nakakatakot pero minsan nangyayari pa ang lahat ng ito kung kelan okay na.  Kung kelan abot-kamay na lahat.  Kung kelan wala ng ibang problema sa mga requirements kundi ikaw nalang mismo.  Dahil kaya pala nahihirapan kang umoo sa isang oportunidad kasi ang totoo, may iba kang gustong gawin.  May iba kang pangarap - yung hindi sabi ng magulang mo, yung hindi napaglumaan ng panahon.  

Okay lang matakot, pero huwag kang papatalo.  Huwag kang magpapadala sa takot na maiba ng landas sa nakararami, sa takot na malayo sa pamilya at barkada.  Minsan kailangan sayo mismo manggaling ang desisyon.  Minsan kailangan sayo lang.  Minsan kailangan ikaw lang.  Dahil minsan kailangan din natin mahirapan para matuto.  Kung lagi nalang tayong magtatago sa kumportableng buhay na handang ibigay ng pamilya natin at sa masayang samahan na dulot ng mga kaibigan, tatanda lang tayo kasabay ng panahon pero yung ikaw bilang tao, ganun pa rin, nakakulong kasi natatakot sa kung anong puwedeng mangyari kapag may magbago.  May gustong puntahan pero di alam kung saan.

So take your time.  Pursue your passion.  Sa simpleng kadahilanan na buhay mo naman yan.  Huwag mong iasa at lalong huwag mong isisi sa iba ang mga nangyayaring hindi mo gusto sa buhay mo.  Kalimutan mong makipagpaligsahan sa mga magulang mo.  Aray ko!  O sa mga kaklase mong nasa Isteyts na at pakiramdam mo tuloy napag-iwanan ka na.  Huwag mong gagayahin ang success story ng magulang, kaklase o kapit-bahay niyo.  Gumawa ka ng sarili mong kuwento!  Yung ikaw naman ang bida!  Kung mapagod ka, magpahinga.  Taympers, ika nga.  Puwede kang huminto pero huwag na huwag kang susuko.  

Ang buhay ay isang malaking nagmumurang surpresa.  :)

#4  Broken trust is like MS - demyelinating and irreversible.

I don't think I have much to say about this.  Ang alam ko lang, kahit anong pilit mong panghawakan yung 'maganda', pag nasira na, iba na. 

#3  Avoid making decisions when you're too happy.

It's not so hard to fall into this trap.  Especially when you're happy everyday or when you know that it's not everyday that you are.  Yeah, spot the difference!

I'm not saying that all decisions that you'll be making when you're too happy will be catastrophic.  But wouldn't it be nicer if you'd be able to arrive with a resolution using a clear head and not a CNS testing positive for neurotransmitter imbalance because you had too much chocolate?

Decisions are hard to make.  And even after arriving at one, it only gets tougher for decisions once actualized can fuel or wreck a dream, a passion or a soul.  And when verdicts have been casted upon, damage, whatever you call it, is still damage done.

#2  Keep your friends close, and your enemies feeling closer.

It doesn't matter who you are.  There will always be people who will try their hardest just to bring you down.  I don't know what kind of satisfaction they get from such but seems like they get nourishment from demoralizing people and seeding conflicts to their environment.  Most of them have a sweet tongue and some may even claim to be your friend, but believe me, not everyone who holds your hand or taps your back is.  I guess that's just the way it goes and I'm glad I found out about this when I was ready enough to face this kind of sad and cold truth.

You'll have a lot of options dealing with this breed of highly adapted creatures.  As for me, the best way is to show these emotionally abused and disturbed beings (I believe so) that you can put up a good fight without becoming dirty.  It sure doesn't matter whether you lose or win in the eyes of a jury.  What counts is how you'll manage to stay decent and salvage your dignity until the battle is over. 

The truth will always set you free, so stick with it.  Try hard not to be uprooted by people who have mastered the art of believing a lie so well that after some time they end up fully convinced and what was once a lie has now emerged to be the more convenient truth.  They can be so damn good, they can make you doubt your own self.  But as long as you know the truth and stand up for it, you'll be just fine.    

There's a jungle out there.  Animals can disguise as humans.  Humans may behave like animals.  Thanks to Charles Darwin, I've been reoriented.  It's a battle for survival.  But when it's all over, find a room in your heart to forgive because life's too short to stay mad at people.

#1  In God, we should trust.

Guilty, your honor! 

Ito ang pinakamahalaga ngunit madalas ito rin ang pinaka-nakakalimutan natin.  We thrive in a world of doubts... Ano mangyayari bukas, ano kakainin mamaya, saan kukuha ng pambayad sa kuryente, papasa ba ako sa exam, matatanggap ba ako sa trabaho, ano na gagawin ko sa buhay ko at sari-sari pang mga tanong na nababalot sa takot at pangamba.  Nakakalimutan natin na andyan pa pala si Bro. Minsan nga kinukuwestiyon at sinisisi pa natin Siya sa lahat ng kaepalang nangyayari sa buhay natin.  Akala natin ginugudtaym at pinababayaan Niya tayo. Pero hindi, hindi talaga. 

Hindi natin naiisip na sinusubukan Niya lang tayo kung may natutunan na ba tayo at kung naging mas matatag na ba ang ating pagkatao.  At kung sakali mang hindi pa lalo Niya tayong pinagtitibay.  Hindi naman kasi puwedeng laging masaya.  Minsan pa nga ay nagsisilbing batok at tulak sa atin ang mga suliranin.  Minsan kasi kapag sobrang OK lahat ng nangyayari sa paligid natin o kaya pag nalampasan na natin ang isang matinding pagsubok, pakiramdam natin tayo na si superman at wala nang makapagpapatumba sa atin. (Sh$%$ Guilty ulit ako!) Kaya nakakalimutan na rin nating magdasal.  Patay tayo diyan!

No matter how happy or tragic our situation may be, we should learn how to constantly trust God, kahit mahirap, kahit pakiramdam natin hindi na aayos ang mga bagay at tayo na ang hari ng sablay. Sabi nga nila, we only see in parts, but He sees in full.  Just the fact na gumigising pa tayo at kailangan nating magsipilyo para magising pa rin ang iba ibig sabihin may pag-asa pa.  Kelangan lang maniwala ka.  Because the moment you stop believing, you also stop living.  So keep your faith, and for whatever it's worth, sabi nga ng M.L.T.R., someday it's gonna make sense ;)