clover !

im into many things but i mostly just post projects that im proud of here (art/writing/misc things)

other blogs:

>@cloversda - commercial art account, where u can buy prints, request commissions, etc

-teas -- fruity cold brews w the flavors i dont necessarily like hot, also trying to drink a cup a day as a replacement for coffee and energy drinks

-notebooks + loose notebook paper -- lots of to do lists (i hate exam season 😢) and writing letters for my friends!

-used/dirty erasers -- gonna ban myself from using my big eraser at home which will hopefully force me to use up the eraser scraps i have for math and things (bc i will be erasing a lot LOL)

-wooden pencils -- also putting a ban on using mechanical pencils at home and only writing w these if i wanna use pencil

hii this is so out of my comfort zone but i started doing project pan casually this year bc im planning to move out in abt a year and cant bring much random products w me, but thru witnessing the absolute state of consumer culture rn i decided i want to actually be serious abt using up what i have.

here's a basic list of the products i definitely wanna finish, its def subject to change and i'll prob add more products as i finish others up:

--

lippies:

-burts bees original chapstick

-covergirl clean fresh yummy lip gloss

-biossance rose vegan lip balm (ive literally had this for years i neeeedd to get rid of it)

-too faced kissing jelly lip gloss (lowk only have like 2 uses left in this)

-tarte maracuja juicy lip

-mini laneige vanilla lip balm

-laneige grapefruit lip balm

-aquaphor lip balm stick

-mini summer fridays lip balm

-romand glasting water gloss

makeup:

-kosas revealer concealer (getting close to finishing this one already)

-kaja mochi glow highlighter

-judydoll yoyo multi use balm

-estee lauder aqua brilliance primer

-mac omega matte eyeshadow (gotta be creative w this one... maybe eyeshadow primer??)

-nars laguna bronzer (using as eyeshadow)

-unbranded tone up suncreen (not putting this in skincare bc its a little tinted)

-hince mood enhancer lip glow

-lancome mini eyeshadow pallette

-haus labs rose quartz highlighter sample (using as eyeshadow)

skincare:

-estee lauder night repair eye cream

-abib acne foam cleanser (depotted to a small container tdy bc im almost out so very ready to finish this one)

-kate somerville eradikate cleanser

-the inkey list succinic acid spot treatment

-quret cooling eye balm

-abib airy sunscreen stick

-murad vitamin c exfoliating facial

-evelom brightening serum

-origins charcoal mask

hygiene:

-hiki tangerine deodorant

-nesti dante peach and melon bar soap

-trader joes shea butter and coconut oil hair mask

-biossance facial oil sample (using as body oil)

-charlotte tilbury magic cream sample (i use this as a body lotion, also this is like 1 use away from being empty)

-unbranded orange blossom body oil

-sol de janeiro bum bum cream sample

-tonymoly coffee scrub mask (using as a body scrub)

-super nature aloe shampoo

-some by me miracle cream

-curology moisturizer (using as body lotion)

-the ordinary salicylic acid serum (using as a serum for body)

-unbranded glycolic acid cream (using as body lotion)

-neutrogena salicylic acid face scrub (using as body scrub)

-proactiv daily clarifying lotion (using as body lotion)

-first aid beauty hydrating serum (using as body lotion)

-joico k-pak conditioner

-softymo speedy cleansing oil (using as shave oil)

-anua cleansing oil (using as shave oil)

-st ives apricot scrub (using as body scrub)

-clinique moisturizing gel (using as body lotion)

-sk-ii moisturizing cream (using as body lotion)

misc:

-keratase elixir ultime hair oil

-unbranded peach solid perfume

-apieu raspberry vinegar hair mist

-anatomy of a frangrance gardenia blanc rollerball perfume

-frudia green grape cream (i use this as moisturizer for my cuticles lol)

-herbacin kamille hand cream

-bath and body works hand sanitizer spray

-unbranded aloe hand cream

-trader joes dry shampoo

-revitalash lash conditioner sample

-quret brightening multi balm

-unbranded teal nail polish (this is prob way too old to be healthy to use but i have base coat and free will so its fine)

--

[act i. melting]

i glance at the chalkboard for the fourth time, eyes flitting across the neat list of flavors. i debate asking the cashier for honey lavender anyways -- maybe it's on some secret menu now. maybe my eyes can't focus on the right letters. instead, i make small talk, trying to mask the desperation in my voice by casually bringing up the absence of the flavor.

"it just wasn't popular enough," the cashier laughed. "it's a polarizing flavor. i only know, like, one other person who has ordered it."

i laugh and wring my hands together. for a second, my mouth sputters to life, itching to ask what that person looked like. what he acted like. if he missed anyone. for a second, i want to tell her about you.

i look at my breath coil in the air. there's a cold front in texas right now, but i'm sure you've felt it as well. i hope you're staying warm, and i hope that you find out that our flavor is gone now, and i hope you never find out that i will spend an hour tonight researching ice cream machines and the meaning of flowers and how to stop clinging to people like flies cling to roadkill.

the light hits my face and my wind-tousled hair coils around my forearms. i yell into the world that i hate you.

i don't know how i got here, but there is paint under my fingernails. my eyeliner smudges on my eyelids from the humidity. my friend drives us infintely faster down the highway, egging me on. for a second, things are easy.

for a second, i can believe myself. the drinks flow easy that night, and the insults easier. i go to sleep thankful for an empty bed for the first time in months.

the snow swirls around us. you're on your knees and my hand is gripped in yours. you say that you think you love me.

i don't know how i got here, but your lips linger on my knuckles. i can feel the wind smooth my lips into a smile. there is no one around. for a second, things are easy.

for a second, i can believe you. i wake up with a hangover and the smell of lotus perfume stuck in the wrinkles of my fingers.

i turn over. the sun is golden, filtered through my eyelashes, and i remember my response. i mouth the words slowly, silently, like a prayer. i will not tell anyone about this night. but i will not forget that if i shifted my head just right, the sunlight stunned me just long enough that i could come to my realization again and again.

i think i love you too.

i think i love you too.

the first time i thought we could try again, we agreed that we only had to hold on until the first time we saw each other again /

somehow, just the thought of your presence lifted the fear. somehow, with you around, i could ignore the sand slipping through our hands, intertwined just tight enough to skim the shape of the other's fingertips /

but irony kills the noble and comforts the foolish /

and the first time i realized we could never try again, it was the first time we saw each other again /

we've gone under the water and the waves have already rushed on -- the air was too still, lacking that static, that excitement i used to taste when i said your name /

things had gone wrong: one too many arguments, one too little of started conversations. we were not who we used to be. i momentarily feel the grit of the sand under my fingernails /

but now, there isn't a reason to hide. it's been so long, and we have seen more and done more and we can almost stop wincing when we hear the other's laugh /

we learn, throughout our lives, that irony kills the noble and comforts the foolish, but /

im scared that the next time we see each other, i'll feel everything all over again /

got bored this morning and made a bowl out of a 5 YEAR OLD (!) birdhouse/bottle gourd. a little wonky but its cute

made a tuna patch out of scrap fabric (and by scrap i mean like tiny tiny pieces i hoarded from other scrap fabric projects)

design heavily inspired by this post

this story ends in my peripheral vision.

the tacky fluorescent lights hum in the same tone you used to when you were thinking of the right things to say. they bathe the room in the same gray-blue color of the sweater you gave me to wear the last night we were together. it's weird, then, that you don’t blend into the room even while im looking at something else. in perfect clarity, i watch from the corner of my eye as you turn to watch me. i don't react; in fact, i engage myself even further in the conversation i'm having with my friend, laughing extra loud and pretending to not hear the formation of spiderweb cracks in the air, an ephemeral bridge stretched across our lashes.

the truth of the matter is that there is no longer an us. i do not know if your father ever let up on you for the trouble we got into in the summer, or if you ended up liking the statistics teacher you were intimidated by. you do not know that i did end up selling my paintings, or that i got accepted into the program i talked to you about, the one that i was so worried about even when you said you believed in me. then why is there still something in you still looking out for me? and why is there still something in me that desperately wants to look back?

you turn your head away. i sneak a direct glance at you and wonder if my hand still remembers the contours of your cheek. i open my mouth to yell something, anything, that will make you come back. the lights flare up, humming a little louder. for a moment, i wonder if this is what heaven feels like.

i do not say anything.

this story ends in my peripheral vision. we will spend the rest of our lives staring at each other over the line we've blurred, minding the growing gap. we will think about each other. we will not reach out.

in another life, where the lights are brighter, we do not have to toe this line. in this life? we do. of course we do.

i refresh your page. still, nothing.

"oh my god, he removed me off his spam!"

my friends and i explode with laughter, the type of giggles that only arise from the cliquey small-talk you find in high school cafeterias.

i feign devastation, gasping and moping, and hide the way my head feels like its been plunged in cold water.

--

i am curled up in a dingy diner way too late at night with my best friend. i refresh your page. this time, i see a mosaic of stupid photos, a snapshot into the life you're living without me. my friend stares at me over her soda, eyes flitting around my face to guess what i'm thinking. my mouth opens without my control as i greedily scroll through your old posts.

"you know how you can feel when your story with someone isn't over yet?"

i hear my friend twirl her straw in her drink, the ice scraping the sides of the styrofoam cup.

"yeah. do you feel that with him?"

"the weird thing is, i really don't. i think that i know our story is over already."

the sloshing noise stops and she looks up at me from her drink.

"that can't be true. i saw you two. this can't be all you two have."

i put my phone down and look at her, an angel with a halo of a crusty yellow overhead light. do i trust her or trust me? i shrug and change the subject.

--

i listen absentmindedly while my friend starts lamenting her own love life, laughing and acting shocked when everyone else does. there's no point dwelling on past conversations. our story is over, didn't i know that already?

(i do, but it hurts and hurts and hurts. "i told you so," i whisper to myself, watching in the mirror as i bleed out.

did you think about us before you did it? i remember how my tears splattered on my screen while removing you from my spam account weeks ago, fueled by a sudden rage in the fact that i was sinking my nails into something that didn't even bother to wince in pain. every day i wanted to reverse my mistake, to swallow you up into my life again, but every time i considered it, i could only remember how i could only refer to us using the past tense. there is no "back" to bring back -- nothing exists for me to try to revive.

when you finally ended us, i wonder if you were crying too, or laughing, or if you saw my name and felt nothing at all.