Clockwerk Sorcery

Well, it seems we definitely have a Big 3 among horror fans in 26! Backrooms, Obsession, and Hokum are the contenders so far this year. We may have more yet, but this brought to mind the last Big 3 that I can remember 12 years ago when we got The Babadook, It Follows, and, my favorite of the 3, Starry Eyes...

I was a really good audience for all 3, but I nitpick so... I thought the electrocution scene in It Follows was kinda, "huh? Nahhh!" and the kid in The Babadook just irritates the piss out of me.

I didn't have any of those issues with Starry Eyes.

Still, even though it was def Big 3, I think it was the most underseen.

How about you?

Did you catch this one?

Never seen a betentacled, suspendered gentleman and a wooden man in a clown suit poorly spin and spit fire while a burlap pumpkin masked serial killer plays the bongos behind a bloody mannequin torso? Well watch this and you won't ever be able to say that again!

This is a clip from the now defunct Dark Carnival Film Festival. Like its name suggests, we put on side shows between the screening blocks. In this video, Basement Boy plays the bongos while Woody and Dr. Calamari (yours truly) of the horror host show Atomic Age Cinema! play with fire and endanger the audience in a decrepit theatre... ok, a nice theatre, but go with me here.

I was just digging through vids for other purposes, found this, and thought I'd reminisce and share with y'all. A handful of others and myself ran the fest, which was international, for 10 years. I got to see a few thousand horror films, shorts and features, from all over the world. There was a lot of shit, but I'd be lying if I said we were able to have enough time to screen all the ones we wanted to. That's incredible to me. I'm so grateful to have had that opportunity.

We had multiple days and multiple venues the first few years. Some of those places are gone, some have restraining orders against us, and the rest would never let us do today the things they let us do back then.

HORROR FILMMAKERS! PLEASE STOP DOING THIS!

Veronica Critique, AHS Coven Critique, Advice for Filmmakers

The short rant: If you are going to use a magical symbol that you did not create yourself, don't assume your audience won't know what it is. If you are still going to use it, do your research and use it in the correct context.

The long rant: The following are my honest reactions as an occultist to three different scenarios involving your horror movie:

1. You've made up a cool demon, created your own lore, and designed your own symbols.

Me: This is really thought provoking. I've never heard of this being. I want to know more.

2. You've chosen to use accurate representations of existing magical elements in a reasonable context.

Me: Wow! Something so rare! Wonderful!

3. You've chosen to not care if your symbols match your spirits because magic symbols = spooky demons, right?

Me: Damnit! Who are these assholes?

Don't misunderstand, I love a lot of 20th Century horror movies that misuse occult symbols and/or turn demons to purposes antithetical to their mythology. It's cheesy. It's fun. It's fucking quaint. Here in the 21st Century though, access to nearly all the knowledge that has been recorded in human history is at our fingertips. Traditional books of the Occult aren't really even occult anymore. They're available to anyone with the technology to download a pdf.

Now, horror filmmakers, I ask you, what demographic of people is likely going to be the most interested in googling that shit?

I'll give you a second...

That's right. Your specific audience. The horror fan.

I will say I love Satan, always have, but I'm pretty sick of seeing him around. I mean, bad ass villain, but also the most played out in all of horror history. Oh man... look at that... this is really interesting... I wonder if... nope, it's Satan again. Aw Christ! I'm always glad when it's not Satan.

But when it is Satan, it's ok to call him Satan. Although, you could probably get away with more by just saying 'The Devil'.

Still, there are plenty of other demons and arcane spirits out there that could be perfect for the job, if you don't want to make up your own. Also, it's fine to have eclectic sources or to mix cultures and magical systems together, but once you've set the rules for your film, stick to them.

As an example, I just watched that Spanish film, 'Veronica' that was getting the hype. Pretty decent, maybe not up to the hype, but what is?

For this film, they used a Norse Vegvisir, for protection, and an altered seal of Asmoday from the Goetia (Lesser Key of Solomon) for a demon 'named' Rossiaxp (maybe?) (not an actual goetic demon name) in a booklet that comes with an Ouija board. A 15 year old girl buys it and accidentally conjures a demon (Rossiaxp?) that sort of possesses her. Would it have been better if they'd just made up their own symbols for their own made up demon? Probably, but it's not that important here. It has its problems, but this is not one of my grievances against it really, because context. They could have used a bit more background, but the only thing close to purporting expertise in occult knowledge in this film is a 20 page booklet from a Spanish gaming company. It's not some dusty, ancient tome.

It's not the same as say, a semi-immortal, lifelong practitioner of Vodoun trying to call you with someone else's phone number...

I admit that it is a somewhat disgruntled fanship that sparked me into writing this. It's been bugging me for months since I watched the most egregious offender in recent memory.

Season 3 of American Horror Story: Coven.

Man, I was into it. They had a great 'historical characters in a fictional setting' thing going. Then they show Marie Laveau busting out the veve of Maman Brigitte all over the damn place and I'm like oh shiiiit! How perfect for this! I can't think of a time when she's ever even been brought up in a film!

(Well, maybe Serpent and the Rainbow, but they didn't call her by name – which was confusing because like who's this zombie bride chick with the snake shooting out of her mouth supposed to be?)

But now they are going to do it in this show with its excellent, largely female cast and they've done such a great job with the design of the show and she's gonna be so fucking boss when we see her! Stoked I tell you!

Oh wait... who is... ok, well that's an interesting take on Bawon Samedi... kinda cool, I guess, but I wasn't expecting him... I mean, he is her husband and all that, but then why didn't they just use one of his veves in the first place?

Papa what?

Papa Legba?

That's not Papa Legba.

What the shit is this? I thought you were going for authenticity. You're telling me that no one caught this? No one did a google search? 

Damnit. That's really irritating.

It didn't have to be this way. You clearly looked up 'voodoo symbols' and picked one with a heart in it because girls. 10 more minutes of research and it might all be different.

This is not even the sort of thing you would even call Papa Legba for.

YOU might call Papa Legba if you needed some permission or an introduction to another Loa, but, absolutely in this context, Madame Marie Fucking Laveau certainly would not.

Are you trying to offend actual practitioners or are you trying not to? Are you trying to make sure you don't conjure any real spirits? Or is this some appeal to a nostalgia for the way 20th century occult movies usually fucked shit up? If that's the case, I gotta say that I think you're trying for too many levels of intellectual and stupid at the same time.

Is there something I'm not getting? What are you saying? Why did you do this? It could have been so cooooool!!

Now, if you're a larger production like AHS with a guaranteed market, maybe you feel most people aren't going to know the difference and, for now, you're probably right... but if you want to keep on making that cheddar, you're gonna have to do better.

To my indie fam, please listen... when you do it wrong, you run the risk of not only alienating or disappointing the viewer, but even worse, lessening the credibility of your tale and all your hard work.

Unless you think the internet is just a fad or that people are soon going to lose their desire to criticize, do your fucking research.

Hell, if you're just not sure after you've made a serious attempt, ask me.

Currently conjuring this beast. Kind of a cross between Leadbelly, Tom Waits, and an ant who doesn't believe in colonialism.

He'll be dressed in jazz finery... good suit for a swamp shack, stylin, but tattered... maybe a fedora or a bowler... not a trilby...

Wuddya think? Also...