Where The Wild Fans Live

Then they actually make the bard that’s only problem solving method is fucking:

I got really sick while house-sitting for my mom last winter. My nose and ears sealed up completely, my chest was congested, my throat cracked, my eyes swelled up and I couldn’t really sleep because my airways kept closing the second I’d lie down. I’d just lie on the couch on a mound of pillows and periodically fall in and out of a daze.

After about three days of this, I snapped alert all of a sudden in the wee hours of morning, choking, unable to inflate my lungs all the way.

My mom’s asshole cat was huddled down on all fours smack in the middle of my chest, looking horrifically uncomfortable with the situation, PURRING and PURRING like a damn chainsaw.

He cracked an eye to glare at me when I moved to pet him. This doesn’t make us friends, he said.

“Good kitty,” I croaked, rubbing his cheek with one finger. “Nice kitty. Good boy.”

You stink, he said. You disgust me.

Then he brushed off my finger, shut his eye, hunkered tighter, and kept purring. I fell asleep. I don’t know exactly how long he was there, but it was at least a solid hour.

…er, well, adjacent to the tree.

As he began to unwrap it…

…there were, one might say, a couple layers of wrapping.

A decent amount a layers.

Quite a number, in fact.

So many that, as unwrapping proceeded…

…he kinda got lost in it.

But at the very center…

…there was a tiny slip of paper……

…that made him fall into the pile…

…’cause it just said “goose” as I got him Untitled Goose Game.

All in all, as we took it apart…

…yeah, it got pretty crazy, don’t get me wrong…

…but hey, the cats had the time of their lives.

To a “please, for the love of god, tell me what to do” 17 year old.

TIME TRAVELER: i come from the future. what are your names?

ROMAN SOLDIER: my name is QUINTUS, as i am the fifth child in my family. my comrade is SEXTUS, for he was the sixth child in his family. what is your name?

TIME TRAVELER: my name's LIV

I don’t know how many times I’ve just sat and pushed through an asthma attack because I didn’t want to pull out my inhaler in class. i was already socially ostracized, I was already a ‘nerd’- I didn’t need people seeing my inhaler.