Soul Stains

Happy Memories of the Past / Hopeful Dreams of the Future

"Glad You Were / Weren't Here"

"[Jonathan] Wasn't There" : (A Thrilling Saga)

Redefining "Cool" / Being Perceived & Appreciated as Their Authentic Selves (Lucas & Steve)

Affectionate Teasing / Casual Banter & Inside Jokes

Rejecting Societal Norms / Popularity is "Bullshit"

Making Plans for the Future

Breaking Plans for the Future

Unresolved Trauma / Residual Guilt

"Stay With Me"

"I'm Right Here" (Romantic vs. Familial Love & Devotion)

Physical Touch as Comfort / Lifeline Back to Reality

Hopeful Optimism vs. Pessimistic Fatalism

After rewatching the last season, what specifically stood out to me was how Lucas/Max and Steve/Nancy’s relationships paralleled each other in ways that went much deeper than their surface-level similarities. In s4 Max manages to evade Vecna by “hiding in the light,” i.e. clinging to happy memories as beacons of hope in the darkness. Quite fittingly, the broken-up couples Lumax and Stancy are able to reconcile and have the softest, most tender moments of comfort throughout what is undoubtedly the darkest period of the show (vs the J*ncy divide only worsening in broad daylight, before any of the chaos has even ensued). Just as Lucas & Max make movie date plans in Vecna’s sinister, dilapidated murder house, Steve & Nancy discuss hopeful dreams of the future while traversing the nightmarish hellscape that is the Upside Down. Even as they face the potential end of the world, both couples still choose to find light in the darkness and give themselves something to look forward to after all this death and destruction. Thematically, this underscores the importance of preserving these small pockets of joy and hope to combat the impending sense of doom—an unspoken promise that life will go on and that there is happiness waiting on the other side of this nightmare. [See James Taylor's "Fire and Rain" ("I've seen fire and I've seen rain...But I always thought that I'd see you again")]

Though Steve and Nancy’s paths diverged in the past couple of seasons, they were separately and subconsciously growing closer through their shared values/worldviews. Because of this, when they finally reunite in s4 everything seems to snap into place, illuminating an instant connection that both of them don't expect but nonetheless feel, drawing them towards each other like magnets. On the other hand, the distance and separation made Nancy & Jonathan’s ideological differences and competing outlooks for the future more glaringly obvious.

“Shared trauma” is a bond that the show has harped on for three seasons. While it succeeds in bringing Nancy and J*nathan together by generating a deep sense of connection/momentary comfort through shared experiences, the bond itself has proven insufficient enough to sustain their relationship in the long term. Their relationship only seems to stagnate in times of peace because their priorities and worldviews are not compatible. We saw evidence of this in s3 as the cracks in their relationship started to emerge, only worsening in s4. While Steve and Nancy first got together in a reality untouched by the Upside Down, they ultimately broke up because of the trauma that corrupted the good parts of their relationship + Steve’s passive attitude towards addressing Nancy’s needs. Conversely, J*nathan and Nancy ONLY got together because of the circumstances/shared trauma associated with a reality tainted by the Upside Down. Their relationship served as the impetus for Nancy to pursue her quest for justice, and that temporarily aligned her priorities with Jonathan when he was also willing to take the risk on behalf of his family. But, interestingly enough, s3 witnessed a stark shift in approach as Jonathan was no longer willing to “stick it to the Man”, adopting a passive attitude towards social injustices. The revenge plot in s2 resulted in his not being present while Will was being possessed by the Mind Flayer, and now he is reluctant to stick his neck out and defend his own girlfriend against their misogynistic bosses if it means losing his job i.e. financial security for his family. We see now that what bonded them by a common goal was not a shared thirst for social justice or even mutual devotion to fulfilling each other’s needs, but rather their shared anger and love for Barb/Will. As they reconcile after their big fight in s3, Nancy’s line “I look forward to you never doubting me again” emphasizes how J*nathan was so quick to discredit/dismiss her journalistic instincts when believing in her meant potentially sacrificing his job prospects. He was not willing to be there for her and support her at the expense of his family. In this very real-life conflict that seemed completely unrelated to the supernatural forces at large, he preserved/perpetuated social injustices (degrading, sexist discrimination against his own girlfriend) out of fear of the consequences that threatened his family’s welfare [Can we take one second to remember Nancy’s description of him in s4: “And he’ll never back down from what’s right, what’s moral. No matter the pressure, no matter the personal cost…” 😶]. Nancy was never his priority, nor was the betterment of society as a whole.

And it is by no accident that, while all of this is happening, Steve is undergoing massive character development that involves rejecting oppressive societal norms and expanding his moral circle of care for those around him—a process that started as early as s1 and only strengthened as we got to s4.

I can’t preface this enough when I stress just how much Steve sacrifices simply because he loves Nancy. He. Loves. Her. He changes his entire worldview for the better because of her. Because. Of. Nancy. Because not only does he love her, he respects her and admires the values that she upholds—her caring nature, her defiant need for genuine connections in an oppressive world that peddles superficiality/facades. And not once does Nancy ask him to change. It’s his love for her that inspires him to better himself, because he wants to be the kind of guy who is worthy of her love, even after they’re broken up and he essentially has no stake in the game, so to speak. He embarks on a personal growth journey to find his real, true self beneath the layers of false bravado. He dumps his closest friends after they publicly label Nancy as a slut, representing everything he wants to leave behind. He deconstructs his King Steve “cool” persona because he no longer finds fulfillment in pretending he doesn’t care about people, about genuine connections. He pushes the girl he loves to be with someone else because he cares about her happiness. He promises to take care of the kids when she’s off doing hero things. He constantly puts himself in danger because he wants to protect people. He maintains hope for himself, for the world, and for humanity through it all.

And the culmination of all this growth is never more apparent than in s4 when J*nathan and Steve essentially represent two different sides of the spectrum: J*nathan’s emblematic line “The cycle never ends” versus Steve’s “I still have hope.”

It speaks volumes that, even when times of hardship have passed, J*nathan still can’t envision a happy future with Nancy. There is no light at the end of the tunnel when he pictures their relationship long term, and he can only see limitations rather than possibilities when it comes to their future together. [Notice he delivers this entire monologue to Argyle in an arid desert wasteland, filled with abandoned, broken-down junk cars and shattered windows, and eventually used as a literal gravesite to hide a dead body—something about desolation, disrepair, the absence of growth, death and deterioration, etc].

Due to his cynicism born out of a jaded childhood fraught with financial burdens/responsibilities, he maintains a passive, fatalistic outlook as he envisions letting life’s adversity progressively ruin their relationship “like some cancer.” He will become his father, his wife and kids will hate him, and there is no way out of this nightmare cycle. And because of this impending sense of doom, he has resorted to avoidance tactics (drugs and communication shutdown) to put off the inevitable break up conversation.

J*nathan can only see darkness, which has consequently snuffed out all the light in his future. He is too much of a disillusioned realist to allow himself to hope and dream for good things, and he catastrophizes the potential negative outcomes by depriving himself of the agency to fix things when they go wrong.

To take it one step further, he scoffs at idealistic dreams and those who are foolish enough to believe in them [“You want everything handed to you on a silver platter…What did you expect? That you would make star reporter in a month? Crack the big case?” “Yeah the real world sucks. Deal with it like the rest of us.” “Nancy Wheeler. She’s not just another suburban girl who thinks she’s rebelling by doing exactly what every other suburban girl does until that phase passes and she marries some boring one time jock who now works sales and they live out a perfectly boring little life at the end of the cul de sac exactly like their parents who they thought were so depressing”]. People like Bob Newby and Steve Harrington garner his ridicule because they are too “normal” and in tune with the status quo to understand the hardships and complexities of the world/of being an outsider (though both have proven that assessment as false). J*nathan conflates optimism with naïveté, a breeding ground for foolish pipe dreams that are detached from reality in the same way that his father Lonnie would put up a “nice” front only to manipulate and verbally abuse his family.

Don’t get me wrong, I do admire his devotion to his family and find it tragic how dark his tunnel vision is, so much so that he can see no alternative ending where he is happy with Nancy—but that deep cynicism serves no purpose for her when she is already mired in so much trauma, grief, and guilt after Barb’s death.

I want to pivot back to s3 and the significance of Karen’s heartfelt advice to Nancy after her fight with J*nathan:

“It’s not easy out there, Nance. People are always telling you that you can’t, that you shouldn’t. That you’re not smart enough, not good enough. This world, it beats you up again and again until eventually I—most people, they just stop trying. But you’re not like that. You’re a fighter. You always have been…I’m proud that you stood up to those shitheads…And if you believe in this story…Finish it.”

This was such a pivotal moment in Nancy’s character arc, and it solidified her innate drive and assertive nature by allowing her to trust her own intuition and become an advocate/champion for powerless people despite the world (and her own boyfriend) telling her that she is wrong/naive/foolish. Her mother's unwavering encouragement to follow and fight for her dreams was such a formative piece of advice; in large part, I think it's the reason why Nancy found Steve confessing his hopeful dreams for the future so attractive and refreshing. In spite of being on the cusp of the world ending, in spite of the fact that they were hurtling towards almost certain death, he still maintains a sense of optimism. He clings to this light in all of the darkness. And even when he calls his own dream “silly” in acknowledgment of the harsh reality they are facing, she tenderly tells him that it “sounds nice” (J*nathan who?). She feels an unspoken, resonating connection to his innate optimism, and she validates his hopes for the future rather than dismissing them as naive, foolish pipe dreams.

In this regard, hope is presented as a conscious, volitional act of bravery and defiance. Having the courage to fight and to dream while the world around you tells you to succumb to fear, uncertainty, prejudice, and societal pressure.

[Suddenly the "shared trauma" bond seems a lot less attractive to her than it did in previous seasons...]

It comes as no surprise then that J*nathan and Nancy’s fights always boil down to their differences in background; there is a fundamental worldview divide that separates them as Nancy upholds an idealistic, hopeful outlook on the world while J*nathan’s is clouded by jaded, fatalistic cynicism. Nancy strives to change/fix the world for the better by challenging oppressive societal conventions, nurturing her intellectual curiosity and thirst for knowledge, discovering the truth behind stories that would otherwise be overlooked, and fostering genuine connections with powerless people whose stories deserve to be told.

J*nathan, in contrast, wants to protect his own family from the world rather than changing it because he only sees futility in the act. He maintains an “us against the world” mentality as he defends Castle Byers, living out an insulated, isolated existence in order to keep out pernicious outside forces/invaders that threaten the peace. He harbors this distrust and reluctance to let people into his life for fear of the potential risks to his family. But in keeping out the darkness, he has also prevented himself from letting in the light—a youthful, unbridled kind of faith in the world’s potential that would allow him to dream, hope, and explore the opportunities life has to offer. This is why, more than anything, J*nathan needs time for himself to live his own life, make his own choices, pursue his own interests, and figure out what he truly wants as an autonomous, independent being—hopes and dreams outside of protecting his family.

Conversely, Steve has already undergone the crucible of such grueling introspection/self-improvement and come out the other side as a dynamic, well-rounded character. He is an active participant in his life, has explored different career paths/aspirations/opportunities to find love, and cultivated values/a unique identity separate from the ones society imposed upon him. This humility and self-reflection have amounted to immense personal growth, so much so that he has already made the shift from bettering himself to bettering the world around him (inwardly to outwardly focused). Unlike J*nathan and his inability to expand his moral circle of care to others outside of his family, Steve has found family/sense of fulfillment in caring for those around him who need his help and, in doing so, discovered love and acceptance in the most unlikely of friends (Dustin and Robin, the Party). This is all because of the fundamental change Nancy’s caring nature nurtured in him. He dreams of exploring the world beyond Hawkins and expanding his family, bolstered by love and hope for the future. He invests his time and energy in people (in S1 his redemptive character arc began with him saying “I want to help” as he tried making up for his mistakes -> s4 volunteering with Robin and Dustin to help their community) because he, like Nancy, feels the moral obligation to help and be of service. He is the first to jump in line and offer Nancy his assistance in s4 (“You need someone to…” “Where’s mine?”) because he genuinely cares about her as a person, not just a romantic partner, and wants to be there to support her as she pursues her own goals to help other people.

If the Upside Down is a metaphor for forced conformity, with the Mind Flayer disseminating a hive mind that browbeats everyone into assimilating and strips them of their unique identities/individuality (“Forced conformity is killing the kids!”)—

Nancy is the final girl, staring down societal conventions with the barrel of her shotgun, ready to dismantle systems of oppression and fight injustice because “screw that.” Steve, like Nancy, is a fighter—a natural caretaker and a protector of the innocent—and someone devoted who will, without hesitation, stick his neck out to be there for Nancy when she needs backup (and he’s consistently proven himself time and time again despite them being broken up).

Both have grown as individuals and established their own identities; both of them genuinely care about people, about humanity and helping everyone, not just immediate family. Steve even indirectly addresses this in s4 when he tells her, “If we were meeting together for the first time right now part of me thinks we would have made it.” He senses the compatibility in their values/worldview now because he slowly, subconsciously aligned his own to fit with hers and, as a result, sees possibilities for a happy future that weren’t there before.

Lord of the Rings Trilogy Posters - Created by Phantom City Creative

Brain fog is scary.

Lots of spoonies talk about how annoying brain fog is or even how it can be funny.

And those things are true.

But no one talks about how scary it is to feel like you're forgetting everything. How uncertain it makes your reality seem, or how unstable it makes you feel.

What if one day, it gets so bad you forget something important?

Like a loved one. Or an important task.

What if one day it gets so bad, you don't remember again?