me surviving

It's not your fault

You definitely do not deserve it

And it does get better

You'll get through it

Don't give up

This year our Easter is a fight

Everybody's screaming, yet there is no winner really

I flinch everytime I hear someone open the doors of my room

She's gone in ten minutes

I'm left with a red mark on my face

Awful feeling of guilt and helplessness

And pain from knowing how much of a disappointment I am

How disgusted my mom feels looking at me

I want to talk to her

Explain that this thing that's just happened is not my fault

And not her fault either

But she is full of rage

Throwing everything out of my drawers

Taking away the sharp objects

As if it would help

She never noticed the small knife lying on the floor

The sharpest object in the whole house

Except for her words

I want to fix everything

Turn all my life and the world around into a mind map in my notebook

Name all the processes that happen

And understand the purpose

I can do none of that

And I don't actually need to

It's my perfectionism telling me to do so

Even this thing I'm writing right now

It annoys me

By not being organized enough

Not looking like another mind map

I feel like my life is falling apart

It already did, about 307 days ago.

You know all these things that are supposed to help

Like reading, writing, spending more time outside, talking to friends and just doing stuff you enjoy?

Yeah

Those didn't help

Neither did antidepressants I started taking later

Maybe some people just can't be helped

I want to give up on life

The feeling of guilt stops me

I don't know if it will manage to stop me for much longer

I can't give my brother even bigger trauma than he already has

I don't want my parents to feel even worse and commit suicide

But maybe I'll do it

This feeling of guilt I was gifted

The perfectionism as a sign of trauma

Awful social anxiety and the shame I feel

Are making it hard to live

And lead to mental illnesses getting worse

All those things are your gifts

I want to give up on life even more

Knowing that it will probably get better

But now willing to wait

The main reason I haven't given up yet

Is my therapist having an appointment with me every Wednesday

I have to bring my life and thoughts together for her

To not just sit there is silence

But to think of my problems and talk about them with her

It's like my duty

The only duty I still sort of enjoy having

The cuts on my body

They will probably stay there until I die

And even longer

Slowly turning into scars

And then into marks

Almost invisible unless you look really closely

Maybe some will still be bleeding

um

refusing to give up !!

i know better days will come

anyway

i hope this is helpful !!

wash your face and go to sleep

want

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