the vivid sensory-memory of sucking water out of a washcloth as a child

a little bit i think that the scene where alyosha believes zosima’s body will be incorruptible because he was so holy and so good and embodied that everything alyosha believed in, and then alyosha goes to the funeral and he can smell the rot, is maybe the most important scene in the book. like it’s so visceral and it’s so shocking. and for alyosha it’s shattering. zosima isn’t just a fatherly figure to this poor kid who never really had one of his own but he is also a representative of an entirely different way of life that alyosha wants so badly to give himself away to. that he believes in more than anything. and then suddenly maybe all of that means nothing! suddenly the miracle doesn’t happen! but the expectation of a miracle and then not getting it is SO important. the expectation of a miracle and then this really horrific failure where everyone at the funeral can smell this stench is so important. because it challenges the whole idea that if you choose what is good and what is difficult than you will see the good that comes of it. which is the whole problem alyosha is facing in the book. he’s doing everything he can for his brothers and his father and then one of his brothers MURDERS HIM and their entire family is torn apart! alyosha was expecting a miracle from his efforts and all he gets is violence! but over and over again this book is not about the miracle. it’s not about one single beautiful moment or a tangible, evident result. it’s not about love in dreams but about love in action!!! a harsh and dreadful thing!! the continuous ongoing project of love and choosing what is good! which is arduous and sweat and frustration and hard! and reducing it to the miracles that may or may not come from it ignores entirely that to learn to love one must continuously be in the process of loving. this is what zosima taught alyosha. and it is not dependent on a miracle