Welcome to the Paradox of Existentialism

Magnus- u know he gives out toothbrushes and apples. do i even need to say it.

Rodimus- he gives out like. monsters and weed. because he has no concept of how children work. a kid comes to the door and hes like uhhh….. do u want…. aaaa…. beer? and drift is just in the corner like THEYRE FUCKING FIVE

Ratchet- does not give out candy. r u even kidding me this man has NO patience for ankle biters. he going to be inside relaxing and he aint answering the door for NO bitch. he watches a movie and is in bed by 8.

Swerve- he answers the door holding a bowl, and then just never hands any candy over. he starts talking to the kids and NEVER shuts up. and eventually they just give up and leave. people think its cause hes chatty but its actually just because the bowl is empty. 

he forgot to buy candy and feels too bad to not answer the door.

Megatron- also does not answer the door.

Brainstorm- my boy hands out toys. definitely makes them himself. and they definitely get confiscated by the parents 0.2 seconds later because they are guns. he is arming the children and he is not going to stop.

Rung- the only bot who actually gives the kids candy lol. king sized Hershey bars. what a sweetie.

Whirl- he’s too busy scaring the shit out of the kids to give them candy. he just COVERS himself in blood (energon?) and CHASES them. he is cackling. the parents are concerned.

- Percy told him off? Well now his lab’s lights only turn on if he does a little dance in the hallway.. and it only stays on for about 57 minutes at a time

- Magnus lectured him? Now Magnus’s period key on his datapad only works if he manages to draw a perfect circle with his finger every single time he wanted to end a sentence

- Still salty about his briefcase ban at Swerve’s? Well now Swerve’s tap has a 0.00005% chance of exploding every time he turns it on to pour a drink. Yea it’s a low percentage, but it’s still always a possibility… BS made it clear to inform Swerve about it too

- Megatron being a bother? Well now his bed is just wobbly enough that he’ll slide right off if unbalanced correctly. Also it makes this horrible ear scraping creak noise every time Megs shifts around on it

Whirl broke into his lab one too many times and now all his blasters skew just a little to the left and every 7.385 trigger pull shoots glitter instead

Cyclonus said "you talk too much" and so Stormy rerouted his internal comm system so that his internal monologue gets picked up by nearby devices and is occasionally broadcasted to random rooms. including the brig. Brainstorm has conceded to remove that quirk with a full, sincere apology in the form of an iambic parameter glazing poem.