no way back

I didn't really plan to make the Mountain Gods as a series. I wrote that first part as a way to process my feelings about the Vuelta trio after years so I could chuck them out of my head lol. And then the project just grew ... So much so it unknowingly became a catharsis for me to confront the path I left behind.

I was a former athlete (for a different sport, not really cycling). I wish my own journey was as pretty or as cathartic as some of you who know what it means to be one. I tell people, when they ask about that part of my life, that injuries forced me to stop.

But that would be a lie. After all, how do you justify simply falling out of love?

Guilt and rage have taken the reins inside me for a long time now, a baggage I carried since then, this insistent guilt of feeling like a failure for giving up before my body did. And when my body eventually did, I wasn't crushed. All I felt was relief, because it gave me an acceptable excuse to step back.

That's why when I read posts of you guys talking about your sport endeavors, it brings a genuine smile to my face. Because even with all that pain and challenges and bliss you're still standing there in its arms, and I remember what that felt like, to love a dream enough to shout at the top of your lungs when you win, to cry when you fall, to contend with the hunger for more.

Writing the MG fic series made me confront that part of my life, and yeah, in writing it, I guess I found forgiveness too.

What the body lacks, the heart will make up. Was what pushed me during those years of my life. It still rings true, even if I turned my back on the sport that gave me so much and have taken a lot.

Who knows though, after nearly a decade, I might look back and retrace my steps. Perhaps one day when I hold my racket it will still feel like an extension of myself. Maybe one day, I'll cross paths with the junior I left behind. Maybe one day, when I step onto the court, it will feel like coming home.

Someone told me recently my coach asked about me. My friend said they wanted to know how I was doing. Somehow, they still remember me too.