Torterra.....

my dead wife is boring as fuck and all of my flashbacks are of her farting loud

great! now do the same medical study with women

aborted abortion doctor: yea thats what i woulda did

the damage has been done (overshared)

nothing online is ever truly deleted. except that one fucking thing you're looking for

And is the "bus in zero minutes" at the stop with us right now?

idk who needs to hear this but if you have been putting something off bc it doesn't need to be done until the end of the month. we are almost done with the teens we are approaching the big numbers (the twenties). that date shall dawn upon you swiftly and without mercy before you know it. psa for everyone except me i got plany off time

my favorite coworker told me the scenario she thinks of to fall asleep is she stumbles upon a baby sheep and has to raise it and it grows up and she has to shear it and she says she envisions shearing it so carefully that she always falls asleep at that part

any printer born after 2007 can't print... all they know is bluetooth , hide they usb port, tray feed error, be out of magenta , eat paper & tell HP my social security number

8 hour work days should legit come with two full meals they have to provide for you

Seasonal Affective Disorder is just emotional scurvy, all my core wounds are reopening and they won't be fixed until the big lemon in the sky comes back

Hey bro on a scale of nothingburger to everythingbagel how would you rate our gay sex last night

I cannot put into mortal words how fucking badly I want that swedish goat to burn. We live in a modern surveillance hellscape and not only is big brother watching you but he’s monitoring your purchase habits so he can sell you a smart refrigerator that will spy on you for the cia. the full weight of modern technology can be rallied to protect that straw monument to human hubris and I want us to burn it anyway. I want the might of modern society to crumple in the face of a drunk swede with a zippo lighter. we can do it just take my hand