holi :]

Many questions surface, but you can't answer any. Not accurately at least, because they require a kind of certainty you'll only get once that question isn't useful.

I always want to control everything, to the point where it harms me and my relationships. I set unrealistic standards, or I make sure I never expect anything positive. It's an ambivalent wave that moves through disappointment. Either everything fails or I assume failure.

That's if I decide on a way to act, because usually I'm stuck in the impossible questions. Right now I'm there, still stuck in the impossible questions about my future. Myself. My relationships. My career. My future choices. A life trajectory to base my current choices on.

I don't know what I want to do with my life. But at the same time I do. It's just unclear how that looks like yet, it's blurry but there's definitely something behind the fog.

I sometimes think about learning a new skill, other times I think about teaching others a new skill. I think the latter could be better as I've never done something like that.

But what would I even teach them?

I am not an authority in any topic and I don't want to show myself as such, I don't think making others do and think exactly how I tell them to is the move.

So I've been considering documenting my progress in something and then posting about it. Posting an analysis, so others can learn from my experience. Not to copy my steps, but to learn how to think about those questions they may have, how to adapt their life to themselves.

But that just feels too... grand. Who do I think I am? And specially, if I don't think you're ever finished improving yourself how do I even chose what aspects and sections of my life to analyse and document. Because the areas I've improved in the most recently have just happened, I haven't chosen that outcome.

I'm 20 now btw, have been for a short while. Forgot to update it.

Currently going through a bit of a crisis that feels weirdly exaggerated and premature, but what can I say, it's just so easy to overthink.

I like a man. The context doesn't really let us try to date. I am very visibly into him and I look like a lost puppy texting him daily, and he just answers if he wants hours later. He doesn't say if he likes me or not, but I already know regardless of the answer nothing is gonna happen. If I had a type it would be him, I feel genuinely sad that it can't work out. I also feel a bit silly writing this, because in saying this I'm admitting to assuming he's interested in me or would want to date me in another situation...

The good thing is I do think I've learned about myself and in general about different stuff, I feel happy and glad I've met him. Conversations with him are both interesting and fun, and he's a good man. Also very VERY goodlooking lol.

We're gonna stay as friends, and I'm not sure how much we're gonna text once things get more normalized. So I don't know if I should finish this post with a

"I hope in a future were we can try to make it work, we meet again"

Or

"At least I've made a life changing friend that I hope life treats as good as he deserves"

And I've been afraid of that happening again. Which is making me more on edge about the different noises around.

I've gone to buy an energy drink, a bag of fries and sliced cheese as I was coming back from class.

I avoid a very specific shop because the workers there have been rude with me, and now I go to another one still very close by.

The cashier is so nice. He was being super kind with everyone, all the elderly people that regularly shop there absolutely adore him. And now I do too.

With a smile he has asked me if I'm tired, im guessing because I am a bit down today and the energy drink. It was unexpected. And I tend to feel like I'm gonna get judged when I'm buying junk food.

I've left that interaction feeling happy.