noncontrary

I am too used to not being alone or something

I feel like as time has passed I have given away friends who would help with my problems because they're male and who knows if they care much or not to begin with anyways

And the one I gained that I liked fucking died and I helped her

I have so much fucking bullshit to take care of all the time that I basically cannot move fast enough to keep on top of it

I do nothing for fun, my spare time is spent depressed as hell like to the point of dissociating in the floor or solving someone else's problems as a distraction and/or for money ie. freelance work

I've realized with the revenue we will make this year after filing taxes we will be able to take out business loans and potentially make Nate's dreams come true with the equipment

But he has no idea how to run a business profitably and his ideas are already not cost effective which could create arguments and at least more work for me

So it doesn't fix anything I've got regular bullshit like health, budgeting, childcare, errands, my own shit health and mental status 

on top of potential new business issues which will be vital to solve correctly while reasoning with the unreasonable

My old friends here in Lincoln are mostly keeping me at arms length or are ineligible for friendship due to male

I hate that I can honestly know myself to be as truthful with Nate as possible, probably even beyond reasonably truthful, and I do not have confidence he even has the guts to be honest whenever it's even slightly difficult! That or a mentality he is able to keep up where it matters! It's actually most likely that he does NOT keep up a strict mentality of truth as much as possible as much of the time because he is an AVOIDER.

Last night I connected with Nate very very well and it was an extremely welcome experience but the catch is he was only able to converse because his inhibitions were lowered by the LSD!

Evidence! I'm in the living room crying because his/my friends stopped by and left very quickly, which was very disappointing because I need someone to talk to like REALLY REALLY FUCKING TALK to someone about literally anything please dear God I'm fucking drowning here and after they left they had woken up Nate who stayed up for over a day on acid and went to sleep at 7pm

He begins to return to the bedroom it is now 11oclock almost and I'm begining to cry and I ask him if he will sleep in the living room so I don't have to feel so bad and he does not want to and doesn't without a second thought.

I can't help but drag chaos and insanity wherever I go

This was supposed to be professional.