my mother left a god-sized yearning in me and my father left a god-shaped hole in me and now all I've got is this human-sized heart.
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@nomorechoirs
my mother left a god-sized yearning in me and my father left a god-shaped hole in me and now all I've got is this human-sized heart.

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u remind me of alyosha karamazov
anon just told me I remind them of a literary figure meant to invoke the compassion of christ and whom the author based upon his dead son and therefore to which he gave all the best qualities he could think of. I will never recover from this (in a good way).
đď¸
questions for your new lover
âgod comes to you in the night. is he violent or lovelorn
âis the river running through your garden the nile or the tigris
âyour heart, what does it thrum like
âcan i cut you
âdo you feel necromantic or vampiric. are you biting or bitten tonight
âare you running to or from nineveh
âis the yoke on your neck or are your wrists tied. do you like it
âwhat flavor is your loneliness
remembered Christ is my groom and he will give me rest, everything is fine now đđťđď¸
wow I feel so well rested and my mind is clear and- *mother gathers palmfuls of salt and pours the grains into the wound in my chest like clockwork* - wow I almost forgot that a sword has pierced through my ĎĎ Ďὴν and sea-struck griefs last for an eternity!

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the apostle that fits youâ
âif you're bold, if you're uncertain though. if you're needy. peter
âif you're overlooked, if you're fishing for things. if you're in the garden in the night. andrew
âif you're zealous. if you're committed, committing. james greater
âif you're only a kid. if you're lost to love. if your cheeks run with tears. john the beloved
âif you're in carthage. if you're collecting things, collecting others. if you're only into the meaningful. philip
âif you're flirting below fig trees. if you like to not be right. nathanael
âif you're counting, counting, counting. matthew
âif your questions feel bigger, girthier, leakier, than the rest of you. if you never touch, through touch only. thomas
âif you're curious. if you're lost in things. lost to others. thadd
âif you're nationalistic, revolutionist. brash. lost to others, too. simon the zealout
âif you're in love. if there's conflict in the love. if you know the color of your loneliness. judas
âif you're neglecting the fishing. if you're rich in heart. if your big, moony eyes leak on lilac flushed cheeks. miriam of magdala
âif you're neglecting yourself, but you remain in the cross's cross nonetheless. miriam of clopas
âif there's myrhh on your fingers. if you like it like that. joanna
âif you're mothering, rearing, nursing, loving. if you're known through your relations. salome
âyou're not her. no one is her. miriam of nazareth
âif you're not on the list but you feel it's right to be. paul of tarsus
"I could've sworn I saw fireworks from your house last night."
âDependence Dayâ by John Daniel
fr. âUnmarkedâ by Tim Seibles
âFourth of Julyâ by Keetje Kuipers

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questions for learning more about your new lover:
âfavorite color
âis god cruel
âwhen is the last time the hole in your chest oozed
âwhat is the color of your loneliness
âhow vulnerable are you to babylonian necromancy
âcan i cut you
âwhy is god cruel
âcan you get on your knees quickly
âis god's breath on your neck girthy or leaky
fr. âEverything Changed When I Forgave Myselfâ by Charlotte ErikssonâŁ
fr. âLet July be Julyâ by Morgan Harper Nichols
âJulyâ by Brett Elizabeth Jenkins
for you what does it mean to be fearfully and holy made
god's touch on my clay remains warm

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I feel so bad when I relapse into bashing my head, not so much in the act itself but because I promised mama mary I would stop (many years ago, after I finished grad school) and I really am doing it so much less, sometimes I can go weeks, even months, before doing so again, but inevitably my mother says something that lacerates so deep that the only way I can make my brain stop repeating whatever sheâs said on loop and wrenching the wound wider is to pound my fist against my skull or slap my temple until my ears are ringing more than they already do and I get dizzy enough that I feel some semblance of control returning. And then I remember Iâm not supposed to do that and mama mary is probably disappointed in me and Iâm :(
fr. âLet July be Julyâ by Morgan Harper Nichols