january was five months, february was normal, march was about three weeks, and april so far has been about twenty minutes.

realistic coworker conversation

My daughter has decided that our cat has to pick her cereal for her in the morning now. Why?? "He knows what I like"

I do need you all to envision a very tall bearded man (my husband) dressed in a full suit, ready to go be a lawyer in a literal court of law, holding two boxes of nearly identical (to a cat) cereal in front of an 11 pound orange menace, begging him to head butt one so we can move forward with our morning.

Shocking update today folks. Penny had informed us that Sherbie Cat is actually ALSO a lawyer.

I love jaywalking with strangers. They can’t kill all of us!!!

-The Canada Geese by the Costco

my phone: *rings* me: absolutely not

@ august please be a little gentle with me I’m so tired

hello august you piece of shit

really strange how you can be almost at peace with something that happened to you but it will continue to be a defining moment of your life for the rest of your life. you wont think about it much anymore but in a conversation about a film someone will mention the year it was released and you’ll think to yourself, “that was before it happened” and you’ll see an old photo and think how strange it is to have existed before it happened and somehow it’s like living a life in two acts

It’s been so long since they made a sea-based Zelda game they need to get back on that. Like they’ve done two sky ones already they need make another water one

i stay up late to be happy for a few more hours

This is a classic fucking prank type

okay ill bite. who is joe biden