too hungry to care

i just love the idea of an oddly specific curse that isn’t even harmful

curse where on tuesdays you can’t say the word tuesday

“What day is it today?” “Second Monday” “Cool, thanks”

smashmouth was right… so much to do, so much to see

pls unmute whatever you’re expecting it’s not it

I think about this every god damned day

Me: *is feeling bad* Also me: *can’t think of a way to make it funny* Brain: can’t talk about it then

this is…. meta as fuck

Hi brain, you obstinate fucker. I drank the clear splashy stuff. I ate the green things. I went under that bright fucker up there. I did the thing with the moving and sweating and whatnot. Now make the happy chemical, you lump of fuck.

did you do the thing with lying unconscious for 8 hours

……… fuck.

The abbreviation for Alaska is “AK”…

Get nalaskaed

we’re just gonna brush past the let mama rub your meat thing huh

Some ppl say comedy is dead cause of “political correctness” but like john mulaney did an entire bit on captchas and bo burnham did an entire bit on not being able to fit ur hand inside a pringles can so really anything is possible as long as ur actually funny

you ever go fuck it and slap your own ass

not in a horny way more like a cowboy slapping his horses hindquarters to jostle it along but in this scenario you are both horse and rider combined into one vaguely stressed and very fast creature

i hate it when u stop being friends w someone or u break up w someone cos uve got all this information about them like at the back of ur mind like their birthday or their favorite game or whatever, and even years later things will come up and you’ll think about that person and its like. oh. and it never really Stops

Concept: a dragon that tries to sleep on top of it’s friends and family every night bc they’re it’s greatest treasure

where r the rest of the notes, this is Important

The immortal vampires from twilight could have done anything with their time, but they chose to go to high school for hundreds of years.

marijuana more like marijuanah. say no to drugs. stop kony