This a blog with poems, writings, vents, and daily life things we go through. Our main topics will be about our life with HC-DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder). We are a Polyfragmented system and an OEA/ITBC survivor.
We are professionally diagnosed with Autism, HC-DID, Tourettes Syndrome, Sciatica, EDs, and other disorders.
We use over It/It's pronouns
We are disabled, physically and mentally
CW for more talk about what RAMCOA/OEA/ITBC is and our personal DNI and Fine to interact
RAMCOA is an old term that means Ritual Abuse, Mind Control, and Organized Abuse
đ§ Ritual Abuse (RA) - Ritual Abuse takes place through any kind of religious following and activity, whether orthodox or otherwise, wherein individuals are forced to participate against their will. This abuse can be perpetrated by religious figures and their following. If your parents forced you to participate in their following of Christianity, this qualifies as a type of Ritual Abuse. You may be a victim of Ritual Abuse if you are a victim of any of the following: Forced Religion, Sexual Assault at the hands of a Trusted Religious Figure, Branding, Exposure to Inappropriate Topics or Visuals regarding Religion
đŤTrauma Based Mind Control (TBMC) - The full abbreviation of Trauma Based Mind Control refers to the intentional creation of a system through deliberate and repeated acts of trauma and abuse. Mind Control by itself as it relates to this topic refers to this being done unintentionally but by no means is one better or worse than the other. TBMC is accomplished through things like: Electro-convulsive Shock Therapy, Conversion Therapy, and Repeated acts of Ritual and/or Organized Abuse.These things can be done without intending to create a system but such severe acts of trauma on a young child can result in the same effect either way. MC by itself can be accomplished via: Ritual/Organized Abuse, Gaslighting, Manipulating a victim, or beating them.
đŤOrganized Abuse (OA) - Organized Abuse is any consistent act of abuse that comes from a group. This can be: Sex Trafficking, Cults, Sexual Assault on a repeated basis, or in a single event in which a group perpetrates the act. Usually, RA and OA go hand in hand in some capacity. With those terms and definitions out of the way, let's talk about programming. There are many different types of programming that arise from different types of abuse.
The term RAMCOA, however, has been retired due to its problematic root origin, so the newer terms to use are OEA and ITBC.
OEA means Organized Extreme Abuse, and ITBC means Intitional Torture Based Control.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
đAbout Us
Traumagenic HC-DID System
OEA/ITBC Survivor
Adult
AroAceFlux PanFlux Polyamerous (Taken Ă1)
Agender TransMasc
Uses XenoGenders
Luciferian Witch
It/It's/GoreThemed Pronouns
Traditional Artist
Book, Poetry, & Song Writer
Therian & OtherHearted
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
đĽŠWe Support
Pro Recovery
Endo Neutral
Pro-Para (Anti-Contact)
Kink Positive
Profiction Spectrum
Anti Harassment Spec
Unharmful TransIDs
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
đŚˇInteract if....
DID/OSDD Systems
OEA/ITBC Survivors
Cult Survivors
Neurdivergent Community
LGBTQIA+ community
Xenogender/Neo Pronouns Users
Furries
ProPara (Anti Contact Only)
Therians/Otherkin/Otherhearted
đŤDNI Interact if....
Anti Harassment/Profiction Spectrum
Kink Postive
Homophobic/Transphobic
Anti-Neo Pronouns/XenoGenders
TransHarmful Radqueer (such as TransAbuser, TransRAMCOA, TransProgrammer, Trans Disabled, trans age, trans race, etc.)
Thinking not wanting to fully fuse is "Anti-Recovery"
People who believe introjects are same as sourse
Forcing Religious practices
Uses disabilities as an excuse to do bad things (basically blames bad things they do on their disability)
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
â Live Streamingâ Interactive Chatâ Private Showsâ HD Quality
Anya is LIVE right now
FREE
Free to watch ⢠No registration required ⢠HD streaming
If you appreciate someone that's in your life right now and you think that your life wouldn't be the same without them, let them know that. You don't have to be a good friend by having tons of money and buying them great gifts, sometimes hanging out with them and having deep, meaningful conversations is enough. Sometimes, showing them that you listen, letting them know that you see them as who they are as a person and how meaningful your relationship is, tell them that. Tell them you love them platonicly or romantic. Tell them that you love them for them and not something that they give. At the end of the day, you don't love someone for what they can give to you or what their body looks like. You love them as their soul, as their personality. Tell them how much they mean to you.
One of my only sources of happiness and joy is letting others know how much joy and happiness they bring to me. One day, when I have friends, I'll be with someone or hanging out with some people together and I'll say "I'm so grateful to have you guys as friends, I'm so grateful to be in this world with you, and I'm so grateful for everything" because I am grateful for them. I am grateful for you, all of you. I'm grateful your all alive and that you are here with me right now. No matter what you feel, or have done in the past, you are here right now with me being real with me, and that's whatever I could love in a person.
I love you all. Stay safe and make someone's day a little better whenever you can.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
â Live Streamingâ Interactive Chatâ Private Showsâ HD Quality
Anya is LIVE right now
FREE
Free to watch ⢠No registration required ⢠HD streaming
Welp. My life has gone to shit so here's a notes game with me if you want to help out or not. I've been busy with work and therapy, and I don't do any self care or my hobbies and more, so here's bow many notes to do something for self care.
Update: Since you guys have actually been blowing this up, I decided if you guys can get this post to 1000, I'll deep clean my depression room. See new post for proof of teeth brushing and picture of depression room. Thank you guys so much for the help
Update 2: I actually ended up deep cleaning my depression room because I was very motivated one day, so feel free to leave suggestions for what I should do for 1000 notes
10 notes: I'll brush my teeth with toothpaste and floss
25 notes: take a shower
50 notes: Finish reading my book
100 notes: Process big trauma with our therapist (will happen on July 7th, 2025)
150 notes: eat three meals
200 notes: draw a full 2 page in my sketch book
250 notes: start and end chapter two in my memoir
300 notes: write and post a new poem
350 notes: make a doctor's appointment for my doctor to approve my top surgery and send it to my insurance
400: bleach and redye my hair (guys I really need to do this help)
500: fill out 20 profiles simply plural programmed alters
600: do my laundry
700: fill out 30 of our simply plural profiles of programmed alters
I just finished listening to episode 85 of the magnus archives, a tale about a man who kept hearing a man on his stairs, but he was simply ***not there***.
He continues to describe his life as its taken over by the man and his staircase, until he soon becomes the man on the staircase and he is simply not there anymore.
I was washed over with such depersonalization thoughts about this case that it seems that I, too, feel a lot of the time, not there.
The man described that he'd go days without existing, and I feel the same. I go days of being not truly here, present in this reality, here in this wet meat suit shell of a body. I am simply not here, such as other people are. Yes, my body is here. Yes, I can feel, breathe, and touch as other humans, but I do not feel as humane as these other people I go days, if not weeks of nor existing. My empty shell of a body sitting here, staring, breathing, talking, but doubt all of that, I am not living. I do not feel alive.
I don't think I can remember a time when I felt alive. Maybe when I was little, sitting in the chucky cheese photo booth with my mom as a smile and she looks at the wrong place where she thought the camera was and so the picture prints out all black and white, Grey with speckled dots of us, my mother staring up, looking as if she's rolling her eyes and my tiny face looks at the camera and smiles. A true smile.
Was I even alive then, or was I just there. Was I just faking? Was I just being, but not living.
As I sit here now, typing this statement to you all, I can not truly tell if this is me or just my mind putting words together to make myself feel like I am present in this moment. Are any of us truly here in this moment Luke other people truly are? Humans that are untouched by reality. Untouched by the pain of entities that look human but do such grotesque things that we can only label them as monsters. I envy those humans. Oh how I wish to feel like they do.
A true happy that can take up their whole body, their whole Being where happiness is *just their being*I don't think I'll ever feel truly happy like those humans. We can say we're happy. We can smile, we can laugh, we can love. But are we happy? Will anyone who has gone through such as I have ever be truly happy?
Or are we all stuck in these shells that we call bodies and stuck in this torment we call life, day after day slaving for these monsters that get to call themselves humans though i will never truly get to be human because of them
I love Martin, and I even have a quite fond feeling of our partner system. Recently we have even been trying to open our arms to a possible third person to our polycule. But I see now, no one, not even our partner sees life the way we do
How to you react with these other real humans day to day knowing that no one you talk to in real life will ever feel the way you do.
Sure, maybe they've had similar feeling. Parents' death, pets' death, death in general if a quite hard subject. Though I do not feel death. I wish for it to come more than anything else. I wish for it to wash over me and for this shell to decompose, just like my mind.
I am the least dear of death unlike others. We have encountered it many times. Too many times for it to be normal, and even now as I think of it, the next time I encounter it, I will not be scared.
Other human get to feel these emotions and I am jealous. How I wish I could give them even a little bit of how I feel so they can truly see how hard life could be.
But I do not wish this fate of my unexciting humanity on any other person.
And even though I feel such anger towards my abusers, I can still not wish this onto them as well.
I see this as a weakness in myself. I feel as if this is the last ounce of empathy I truly hold. And this empathy will hold me down into my grave because I know one day this weakness will make me die.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
â Live Streamingâ Interactive Chatâ Private Showsâ HD Quality
Anya is LIVE right now
FREE
Free to watch ⢠No registration required ⢠HD streaming
10 mindsets about my DID that have helped my system:
[This is solely for the sake of sharing experiences & supplying food for thought. This post is not implying these takes are the âright wayâ to view systemhood.]
1. Weâre individuals and weâre parts of a whole. We see each other as people in our system, but in a different way than those in their own bodies. We share a brain. We share a life. Iâm me, but Iâm also him/her/them at the same time. If you take a piece out of a puzzle, it doesnât cease to exist, right? Itâs still its own object. It just doesnât make much sense when it stands alone. We need each other to be truly complete.
2. Time keeps coming. I know itâs not an unlimited resource, but itâs not scarce either. Okay, so somebody in the system didnât get to do what they planned today. Theyâll do it tomorrow. No big deal. No need to fight about it or stress over âhow Iâll ever manage all thisâ. Weâll simply give it another shot in the morning.
3. Reality is subjective. Weâre a very philosophically-inclined system, and I could write books on what âreality is subjectiveâ means. Basically, reality is based on perception. On a societal level, it is based in the common agreement of what something is. If anyoneâs perception tests the limits of this common agreement, it is labeled as untrue. This ties into why DID is largely disbelieved; it doesnât fit in with the common reality (perception) of the average person. So it is seen as fake. And, well, if Iâm going to be told Iâm wrong for the most basic, inherent part of this disorder⌠I donât really care if they disagree with any other aspect of it. My reality is different. Thatâs okay.
4. There is no original. I strongly believe the Theory of Structural Dissociation. Maybe science will prove it wrong with a more suitable theory to take its place in the future, but itâs what I roll with at the moment. Now, to us, this translates as âthere is no original/we were all the originalâ. Weâre Adventure Time fans, so we think of it like the âMother Gumâ. If all of the Mother Gum broke off into people (like PB & Neddy), no specific one of them would be âthe originalâ. Rather, theyâd all be repurposed parts of the original whole. (In a less serious way, we like to say âwe all came from the primordial personality soupâ.)
5. Our body is shared equally. Weâve decided our body has its own identity & âlookâ that helps represent us as a whole, but doesnât take after one member specifically. In a gnawingly self-aware way, I know this is a further form of dissociation. But adopting this view changed a lot for us in a positive way. We donât fight about hair or clothes anymore, we donât have discomfort around our legal name, we donât even really have struggles with gender/sexuality anymore. (We identify differently internally, but externally we identify as nonbinary & bisexual. Even if the person fronting at the moment is, for example, a gay man.)
6. Be open-minded to what happens internally. Seems straightforward enough, but weâve wasted a lot of time trying to âmake rulesâ for each other in the system. The biggest example I can think of is in-system dating. Around 10 years ago, as we became more aware of each other, it became clear that two system members were basically in love. We immediately became defensive. We told them that they couldnât do that, that two system members being together was absurd & âimpossibleâ. (This view became stronger after discovering online system spaces & âfakeclaimersâ that come with it.) Though we regret it now, we shamed those two a lot in the hopes theyâd drop it. They didnât. About 3 years later it became an actual problem. They didnât trust us; they were fronting & we were coming back to absolutely no memory of it (we usually have a vague idea at least). Eventually, they wrote us a whole thing about how they were going to be together & there was really nothing anyone could do about it, seeing as we couldnât technically keep them apart. In modern day, weâve had an in-system couple recently fuse. Upon reflection, we were standing in the way of genuine healing by trying to break up the first two, and we did so solely out of shame. As long as it isnât genuinely causing harm, we try to be accepting of each other these days. This applies to a lot of other aspects; how system members appear internally, the pronouns and/or identity labels they choose, anything to do with how system members engage with each other, our differing individual perceptions of an event, etc.
7. We donât have to like each other, but we do have to love each other. Mostly because, if we donât, weâre holding hatred for ourself. There are certainly members of my system I would never choose to befriend if we were actually separate people, but weâre not, and we donât get to act like we are. So even though itâs hard, Iâm learning to love every piece that makes up âmeâ, no matter how difficult they try to make it at times.
8. Nobodyâs system works like mine except for mine. Meaning, no two systems are going to be alike, and experiences arenât often going to translate perfectly. This is true for people who arenât systems as wellâ everyoneâs experience is going to be different, because nobody is wired exactly the same way. Once I took that to heart, it became easier to focus on my own way of being. I could take the pieces of represented/online systemhood that resonate with me & leave the rest (which probably resonates with someone else).
9. Thereâs a reason for everything. This kind of ties back into the âwe have to love each otherâ thing. Each component of the system is a clue regarding how to move forward. We had someone in the system getting really uptight & controlling, to a point that it was irritating, but, taking a step back, we recognized it was a response to feeling a lack of control. Instead of simply getting angry at him for how he was acting, we were able to address the problem. My collective self is more laid-back for it.
10. Itâs okay not to focus on it all. DID is a part of my life for the rest of it, whether I like it or not, but itâs nice to let it be a background thing every once in a while. Whoâs fronting? Who cares. What roles do we have? I donât know. Whoâs this new person in my head? Iâll figure it out later. Weâre making it through as a team, and sometimes thatâs enough.
Oh how I wish to be a emo cis twink that was born in the 1990s and grew up in the 2000s as I listened to emo and Midwest emo music to hide my gay pain of not being Able to date my boyfriend bc were boys in love
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
â Live Streamingâ Interactive Chatâ Private Showsâ HD Quality
Anya is LIVE right now
FREE
Free to watch ⢠No registration required ⢠HD streaming
