FLIP YOUR SKIN, LET THE UGLY OUT

1.

I've had several people reach out to me, claiming to be in a similar situation to the puppygirl from the article. Afraid that they're not doing enough. Afraid that their friends are about to dump and leave them. So far I have tried to give advice and encouragement, and despite thinking deeply about how to help them, I haven't been 100% satisfied with my responses. If that applies to you, please know that you're already doing your best. I know it's really really hard right now, and you're in a deep hole, trying to dig your way out of it. Even though my intentions were good, it was rude of me to toss down a little self-help leaflet onto your head and claim it's a rope to pull you out. Just keep taking it one day at a time.

As for the rest of us, the ones who aren't trapped by the weight of disability or mental illness or unemployment, we need to be working every single day to build out networks of mutual aid. The girls who are currently disabled need us to have better tools to help them. We also need those systems for ourselves. We're all getting old, we all are at risk of job loss, or injury, or traumatic events. We need food distros, and medical collectives, and clothing swaps, and volunteer mechanics and IT professionals. There's work to be done, but we're disconnected from each other, disorganized. We form polycules and "found families" as poor imitations of support networks, reaching for them because they're easy tools to use. But they're not good tools.

First of all, they're not mutual, automatic, or impersonal. They rely on everyone being on good terms with each other. As if asking someone to prove their worth before feeding them is only unhealthy when the state does it, but is somehow okay if you're doing it to a friend or partner. They're also not organized. Unless you have a team of friends who are meeting monthly to discuss availability, resources, address burnout, and devise a plan of care... you're flying blind. Even just having a group chat for it puts you in a better position to help, and to be helped because your friends will know what to do for you.

People have done this before. There's resources out there for you to find and cobble together a solution that works. I certainly don't have all the answers, even if I am good at describing the shape of the problem. All I know is that it will be easier if we all work together on it. Think about what resources you would want your friends to have if they suddenly had to care for you over months. Think about what you need to make it easier to care for your friends. Think about how we can build resilient communities against mass disabling events like COVID, or mass firing events like AI layoffs. Work towards those solutions. You will need these networks eventually. Your friends need them now.