☘️ thatcher hater

So in attempt to combat feeling left out, I have come up with my own list of quintessential secondary school experiences.

2009-2014 british special ed secondary school culture is:

Weekly spelling tests. Every year.

Teachers assuming we would all be too clueless to figure out that every staff computer password was literally set to "password".

Sex education not technically being abstinence only, but still lowkey encouraging it by primarily focusing on the negative consequences of engaging in sexual activity, such as STIs and unwanted pregnancy.

Strict dress codes being easy to enforce when the total number of students was small enough for everyone to be noticed individually.

Feeling nervous (due to stigma) whenever someone you perceived as normal would ask you what school you went to.

Every student in the entire school having to appear on stage at least once for the Christmas production each year.

Missing out on the classic "you can achieve anything if you just work hard" speech. Some kids were even told that they would never achieve their dream jobs.

That one teacher (or teaching assistant) who openly disliked you.

Due to it being a male dominant environment, the most popular girls were usually "one of the guys".

Academic performance levels that would be considered failing grades in mainstream education actually being praised as high achievements when only slightly below average. (A personal example would be me getting a D in maths)

Those pencil packs with "100% Attendance" written on them being given as a reward at the end of each term to those who showed up every day. I would like to thank my strict mum for helping me win those pencils almost every term.

No PDA between couples allowed, not even hugging. (Although in my case they did eventually update this rule to allow holding hands as the exception)

A noticeable lack of sympathy from many teachers whenever someone had an emotional outburst in a situation that was actually distressing for them.

Years 7 and 8 still feeling like an extension of primary school.

The representation you lacked in fiction being made up for in documentaries your parents watched.

Everyone knowing everyone like they do in small villages.

Social skills classes taught with the implication that the objectively correct way to communicate is the neurotypical way.

Either getting pathologised for finding something difficult or told to stop making excuses. No in-between.

putting that away, i have grown up with this philosophy. since around that era, our attitude on neurodivergent children & youth has remained dormant since. and this has caused, surprisingly, a fuck ton of self-esteem issues!

we desperately need to put aside the attitude that just because someone has “impaired reasoning”, does not mean they are not their own person. in fact, even assuming their reasoning is flawed is harmful. it’s just masked power tripping on the authorities’ part

i think whinyvents has done a very stellar job at summarising the problems! i really hope this attitude can be diluted, and eventually forgotten - it will be long, and i don’t want to discredit some well-meaning people’s natural instinct

how do we mitigate this though? i think there generally needs to be higher standards in the care industries in general - things that involve vulnerable people in this very flawed society. i’ve heard of the worst of bullies sadly ascend to become nurses. cunning control freaks who control a patient’s recovery plan, asserting dominance over those who may be physically or mentally impaired, or different. this is sadly also seen in educators.

i do think competence at your job is driven by passion! but sensitivity to the scope of the job is needed. if the job involves human lives which may be shaped by your empathy (or lack thereof), there should be more measures to ensure the prospective employee is at least genuine enough. not only that, competence on the client’s end should be presumed. (this includes: political opinions, communication preferences, food choices, gender / sexuality expression, and many, many other things a small list cannot summarise.)

I am not nonverbal from birth. I know how i used to speak, how i used to sound, what i used to say. But this is very very disconnected from who i am today. I watch videos of myself talking in the past and i do not understand how i did that. I do not understand, not only the concept of me speaking but the concept of my *voice* (as in how it sounded) as something from my mouth. 

When i was a speaking person something that occasionally gave me dysphoria was my voice. But it wasnt just how i sounded, it was also what i said, and what was expected of me to say.

Now, i consider my aac device to be my voice. I selected and edited the voice i use for it and it is something i have full control over. It is a voice i am comfortable with. It is a voice that brings me euphoria. It is very much mine. 

But my gender and my nonverbalness are connected even beyond just the sound of my  voice. Or beyond loosing my mouth voice. They are connected beyond physical gender expression.

i think a lot about gender as a concept. Not the physical expression of it. Not clothes not makeup. I also think a lot about my fickle relationship with language. I think about my ability to understand social norms. I think about my experience as someone who will never be able to fully mask into the rest of society.

(there is some level of “fuck it people will stare and be losers anyways” that has come with becoming nonverbal, that has allowed me to dress and present myself more like i want, allowed me to stim freer, to take up space as a disabled person and as a queer person. allowed me to give a lot less of a shit basically. It is something that can be very glorious despite, of course how scary it can be. I feel more comfortable presenting more masculine in particular)

my masculinity and my nonverbality are the most interconnected things in the whole wide world. Those fuckers are joined at the hip, married, moved in, with kids, shared bank account. The whole ordeal. And i dont fully know or understand why that is exactly.

but i propose this wonderful idea. This sorta glorius subjective thing that works for myself. Wich is: That i dont need to. I understand for myself that my nonverbality and my gender are intrinsically connected. And i am perfectly content to leave it there. I love the idea of nonverbal people having complex and messy relationships with gender. I think most if not all media portrays us as very cis. When this is in fact not true. I love my fucked up weird way of presenting my genderqueerness i love how that clashes with my nonverbalness. I love how it is all very much mine. I love how no other nonverbal / nonspeaking person will have the same experience as me. I can not put into words how fucking cool it is that my community is so diverse. 

I hope more nonverbal / nonspeaking people who have different experiences and different thoughts on this subject talk about it. I hope people listen to us. i hope the media represents us. I hope  nonverbal trans people understand and are *shown*  through media, through representation, through protection and legal shit, through the people around them and through our own community, that we have value. That our experiences are beautiful and messy and glorious. That we deserve better.

x

what many nondisabled & even many invisibly disabled people not realize is. for visibly disabled people, not all parts of our disability visible. many of our struggle, also invisible, also hidden.

my nonverbality visible n my AAC/communication device visible. language communication issue that go beyond mouth speak also arguably very visible, but so many people not realize it, make assumptions, n get so surprised when that wrong.

my wheelchair visible. but reason why am in wheelchair, invisible n ignored. people assume am just them (able bodied person) in wheelchair, even though it logically not make sense, but they assume it n treat me like it n get so surprised when am tell them no, actually, struggle with mobility. the pain, the fall risk, the muscle weakness, the motor coordination struggles.

another person facial difference visible. but behind visual difference aesthetic difference, structural difference invisible to you. n way structural difference affect function, how it affect eating breathing speaking, invisible to you.

n unrelated to all my visibility. you don’t see my GI issues. not my vision issues. not my near constant dizziness headache issues. not my breathing issues.

our visible disability invite assumptions. assumption that strangers know all there is to know, that they see everything. that they intimately know who you are, what you are.

assume you incapable. but you capable, even most severely disabled person capable of something. yet you end up have to explain you actually more incapable, because they not realize wheelchair user may also struggle with this thing that require mobility.

assume you just like them not because they believe you not because it disability affirming, but because they don’t know any different n they assume entire world revolve around them (because to them it does), entire world like them. that no, you not person capable walk 5 miles n can get out unhurt trapped inside wheelchair, no getting rid of that wheelchair won’t magically unlock the seal n let that person come out.

assume they know you. all of you. you see their visible confusion: but stomach has nothing do with wheelchair, what do you mean have GI issue?

but in sense, unfortunately they do know you so intimately it hurts. know your private medical information that you not able unhide. it’s all involuntary. you have no choice. they know you better than you want them to, they know you better than they deserve.

.

what many nondisabled & even many invisibly disabled people also not realize is the visible part not mean we get treated better. believed better.

parts of us so visible, it become hypervisible. it become all there is. those our only personality trait. you not person who love wool who love tiny ignored creatures you the nonverbal person in wheelchair. you wear badge (your visible disabilities) that say “am vulnerable person!”. you the person ableist can see at first glance. so you more likely target of violence than anyone else, anyone else well hidden.

you so hypervisible you turn invisible.

my wheelchair visible but the amount people who don’t want to see it. so they pretend not see it. so they not see it. what make our disability be visible become invisible.

“you so capable am don’t see you as disabled anymore. it’s compliment!” n be use as inspiration porn one after another. our disability become invisible.

we different. we unsightly. we ugly. we ruin people fun. we ruin mood. we n our “extra” needs too difficult. so we excluded. make circle hold eachother hand clap together sing together play together n put that wheelchair kid outside circle condemn them to stare n frown n cry n god they loud - they not say anything but god their wheelchair their existence loud. we must ignore them for our peace n fun. lock them behind close door inside home behind institution prison behind death door. we become invisible.

be visibly disabled not guarantee be seen, but especially not guarantee be seen as whole. be see as entirety of self with all conflicting nuances. actually it more likely opposite.

we objectified. by nondisabled people. by invisibly disabled people.

we the scapegoat. we the token. we the representation of them getting support getting believed world without mistreatment when we don’t even live in that world ourselves. we your enemy. we get everything hand to us silver platter (we don’t).

we the inspiration porn. we the pity object the charity to score them more religious spiritual points for their purity.

we your worst fear. we your “won’t be like this until am old n feeble.” we your future because aging after good “normal” life land you similar place as when we are young. we never be your future because we born like this n you sigh of relief.

we the object that give you minus decor points if this were life simulation game.

hello there, my name is Equinox. i'm a severely disabled intersex trans lesbian activist and artist who deals with hypermobile ehlers danlos syndrome, degenerative disc disease, IBS, schizophrenia, DID, and other health issues. i am too disabled to hold down a conventional job. right now it is winter where i live and due to living in a high desert, the temperatures can get very low seemingly out of nowhere, so my electric bill has been a bit higher than when it is warmer, which means my money has had to stretch a little further.

thankfully, because my housing is through a government program, my rent is only $178/month right now. it may be subject to go up or down after the new year, depending on how much total income i made this year, as my rent is calculated based off of my earned income. either way, fortunately, it is very affordable

$0/$178

if you are interested in helping me, you can do so in the following ways. thank you to everyone who has read, shared and supported!

pay pal: glittergraphicnightmare @ gmail. com cash app: $glitterGraphix chime: $Equinoxian venmo: $Equinoxian

Still not able make sense of most things people said , although try …

:(

It used Up whole day yesterday .

Pixie feel very sick still . today .

Before guardian Wizard , Pixie just do what ever those big social services people say .

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If you have any fun fact about Sicily, please tell us and I'll reblog it!

Be respectful in your comments. You can criticize a government without offending its people.