Thoughts that will never be spoken out loud

I’m pretty sure my loneliness might end me. I don’t have any close friends since everyone has their own person already, and I was happy being alone and doing things by myself. But now that I’m back in school, I genuinely don’t think I will graduate. I’ve already accomplished everything I believed I could actually do, and now I’m just doing my routine. There’s no one rooting for me in my corner besides me, and while I’m enough for me, I wish I was enough for others.

I want to drop out so fucking bad. I have no future and I’m lost in my classes. But I don’t have a backup plan. I’m just miserable trying to complete every assignment. It’s never ending and I just want to end it. Life is so not worth all this shit.

I’m so tired of waking up. Every day is just more assignments to do and I’m miserable. Last semester was so much better mentally and I just want to die. Everyone seems to have it together and I’m barely managing getting through each day.

I’m back! I honestly thought I was done with this account. But the second semester of college is so overwhelming. I feel so behind on the first week and feel like I overloaded my schedule with 19 credits! I’m not doing well mentally and really want everything to just end. I know I’m still getting used to being back in school but I miss break. I loved doing nothing and being home with my family. I miss being happy and I don’t know if I’ll survive the next 3 ish months… I need summer break to get here as soon as possible. The days are going by so fast but my anxiety is so bad. I don’t have time to just sit and chill.

Today is the day I finally graduate! It’s bittersweet for the few genuine friends I made, but I’m so thankful I get to close this chapter alive. I used to think I’d never make it to senior year, and here I am with a diploma! All the people I met were lessons I needed, and I’m glad I can finally see that there are days/moments where living is a gift. I’m going to my number one choice for university in the fall, and I’m genuinely excited to meet and experience new things. Though I am cutting people off this summer, I will always be grateful for the good and bad moments I needed to grow as a person.

I’m so fucking ready to graduate. I hated high school (basically why I even started this account) and almost everyone in it. Just to generalize so it’s easier, everyone is shitty, they’re unreliable, they’re liars, they’re stupid, they’re backstabbers, they’re fakers, and they’re racist. I have had to tolerate everyone’s shit for the last four years, and I’m so excited to cut off everyone after graduation. No one knows how much I hate everyone, and that I have for years.

I was supposed to get therapy last year, but it got moved to this year. Then I found out I didn’t vibe with any of my options where I would actually open up. So I just said never mind… But I know I’m getting worse. I rarely show my emotions besides my fake cheeriness or my actual joyful feelings. So all of my anger is starting to fester inside, so much that my sadness/depression aren’t my main anymore.

I wish I could rely on someone. Some people think I judge people too quickly, but then I’m proven right on why I shouldn’t open up to someone. I’d rather keep everything to myself than have people share my secrets. At the end of the day, no one actually listens.

I’m sick of being lonely. I wipe my own tears and pat my own back. I wake up depressed and go to sleep depressed. Each night is just me convincing myself to not kill myself. When is it my turn to be happy?

I’ve been miserable these past few weeks, and I don’t know how to stop being sad. Before I thought I was depressed because of school, but now I have no excuse because I’m on summer break. I don’t think happiness is supposed to last for me.

Nostalgia makes me so sad and depressed. Like when I listen to old music/shows, I think about how life was simpler then, even if I was struggling then. As my life continues, I just get more suicidal and it’s tiring. My birthday is coming up soon and it’s depressing me.

I’m so alone that I don’t have anyone to rant to. I’m just overwhelmed with everything I’m thinking. I’m drowning in my thoughts and I don’t want to keep swimming.

It doesn’t even feel like the holiday season. Every day is the exact same routine, and it feels like it’s never ending.

When I want to hang out with you, I mean just you, not you AND your boyfriend/girlfriend/partner. I’m not trying to fucking third wheel! Why do you ALWAYS bring them?

I am one bad day away from ending all this bullshit.

Sorry the world is changing. Just because you’re old does not mean you’re wiser.

I know I should be used to feeling alone. But it still fucking sucks. I don’t have any real friends because I have to be the first to text them. I always have to make the first move.