Shinx

Being diagnosed feels so validating cuz finally I have answers to all my questions, to all my thoughts I feel validated and not so crazy random person without motives to be depressed or extremely anxious. It's been so hard, Im trying everyday and I know I have to keep trying but idk I feel finally accepted and heard

My grandma passed away almost 3 years ago and since I feel like I'm unable to make real connections and attachment, not only to new people but even with my long time friends and even relationship. I feel numb honestly, like a big black hole in my heart or something. And don't get me wrong I love my friends and people around me but its like I don't really care anymore if they stay or they leave. Loneliest sometimes its easier to deal with

Also i just found out that besides being pansexual I might be aromantic too. Everything makes sense now, thats why any of my previous dates has worked before. I do want to be loved so bad but then I find myself unable to feel like I love or like someone at 100%. There always that voice in my head questioning if I truly love them or i just don't want to be alone?!

Like fr its extreaaaammly draining and overwhelming just have to go outside and meet and interact with people. I have been calling off the dates with my friends and stuff and it's no because i don't want to meet them its just because I'm not ready to face the world yet. I don't want to be like this, i know i have a lot of things to offer but why just can't be able to express it properly?!

People don't seem to understand how hard is for me to make friends an connections in general. I do want to connect with people but why am I always ended pulling them away

I tried to kill myself Last night, but it didn't work. I feel so stupid and useless