This is Me

not that i’d actually wanna live in a different time period, thanks very much, but also lately im vibing the idea of being born hundreds years ago when an army trudges through my city and kills all my loved ones and i must assume a male disguise in order to seek revenge in this male-dominated society so i cut my hair short and slick it back and join the army and learn how to use a big heavy broadsword and i soon have a reputation as a great swordsman which is only overpowered by my reputation as a great lover despite the fact i never take all my clothes off but i still manage to get all the women and the other guys in my regiment can’t figure out how i’m so good with them but i just gotta shrug and play up the ladies man thing until one day i meet a princess of the blood and im charged with protecting her on a journey out of the capital but we get separated from the rest of the regiment and i start developing feelings for her because she’s spunky but i know It Can Never Be for a number of reasons and then one night she catches me bathing in the moonlight and i instinctively draw my sword because No One Can Know My Womanly Secret but also she’s the princess and also also now i’m in love with her so i simply hand the sword over but she throws it aside with a clatter and throws herself at me and we make love by the lakeside and the next day i put on my soldiers gear and we keep moving wondering what the future will hold when the enemy horde comes upon us and i defend her but am outnumbered when suddenly our separated guards catch up and we fight the invaders and i kill the man who slaughtered my family because he is conveniently part of this regiment and we’re all happy for our victory but i still look sadly at the princess because It Can Still Never Be and i must take her to the capital to meet her betrothed and we kiss and make love sadly in a tent one last time but then we finally reach the city it turns out her fiance is a huge Gay too and has a huge entourage of gays following him around and brushing lint out of his fur coats and he hires me to be the queen’s bodyguard wink wink nudge nudge and i meet her nightly using a secret passageway under the castle and also i get a really cool new sword and history doesnt remember me as anything more than a friend to the queen until centuries later when a bunch of love letters are found in a secret compartment under the castle by a lesbian librarian who was researching the local history and she falls in love with the lady castle tour guide as they bond over an interest in our love story the end 

The number of times I have been delighted by witty banter only to find out later that I was “Flirting” is both unfortunate and disappointing.

I found out several of my female coworkers were planning on trying to get our male coworker to ask me out because “You guys kept flirting” but I was like “We were literally just goofing around. Like we literally just told jokes to each other. Literally just stuff that friends do, the same stuff you and I do.” I was definitely 100% NOT flirting but everyone thought I was

This might be a good time for Ms. Psych degree here to step in and let ye all know that People Are Unable To Identify Flirting. There are double-blind studies to support this, if you instruct participants to flirt or not flirt with another participant, neither the second participant nor onlookers are able to accurately tell which instruction the first participant was given. Even if you get the flirting participant to rate their attraction to the person they’re flirting with, and only count trials where people are either flirting with people they find attractive, or not flirting with people they don’t find attractive NO ONE CAN TELL WHO IS FLIRTING OR WHO ISN’T.

I’ve heard that people actually have a *less than 50% chance* of guess whether someone is flirting or not.

Thank fuck this isn’t just me failing at humanity

wheres all the support for the emotional abuse victims

That’s not that bi-hoLY SHIT

just because someone can articulate their point better doesn’t make them right, it makes them articulated. 

and you aren’t stupid for having trouble articulating yourself.

Hi brain, you obstinate fucker. I drank the clear splashy stuff. I ate the green things. I went under that bright fucker up there. I did the thing with the moving and sweating and whatnot. Now make the happy chemical, you lump of fuck.

*Casually sneaks over and puts one in pocket to take home*

*puts a cute little hat on its head* :3

*gives it a monocle*

How about a a fancy mustache?

A colleague of my dad’s lives next to a lake, and looked out the window one morning to see a duck trapped in the ice. A crow swooped down. “Oh hell,” she thought, expecting carnage, because crows are opportunists. But the crow chipped at the ice with its beak until the duck was free.

Idk of this counts but a few crows saved me from a magpie swooping attack once ,they’re bros who can tell when magpies are being unreasonable and need to chill

that last reply made me wanna cry. that’s so beautiful.

Don’t forget the Russian Crow SLEDDING DOWN A ROOF not once, but twice. 

Best birbs !!

your son is Beautiful and Strong

every time I see this post it has different crow stories and every time I reblog it again because all crow stories are good stories

!!!!

I don’t think I’ll ever not reblog this. This posts makes me cry and smile at the same time.

@jewishmagpie

CROWS ARE AMAZING @thefingerfuckingfemalefury

THEY ARE GOOD BIRBS :D

As much as I enjoy “Planet of the Apes” I’d bet anything that if the Apes didn’t make it, the crows would evolve to take over right after them.

A Planet of the Crows would be a utopia <3

They’re good birds Brent

BEST BIRBS

Can’t not reblog. 

I think that crows might have inadvertently become my favorite avian. Bless this post

@builtfjordtuff

I love crows

People ask me why my fav birb is crow, proceeds to show them this post

@tendous-satoris

LEAF BATS LEAF BATS LEAF BATS

Honduran White Bats, even :)

the marshmallows are ready to be picked

when i was little my mother called one of our outdoor cats “just a garden variety longhair” and i was 100% convinced that meant he was literally from the garden. a nymph. one with the soil. sprang up from the ground. it did not help that i thought “guardian angel” was “garden angel.” he was my garden angel. that cat was friends with the carrots and watched over the ladybugs and you could not have convinced me otherwise.

Today I was rehearsing with the guitarist from the show I’m doing and I was coughing up a lung bc I’m sick and I was just kidding but I told him he needed to bring me a lemon for me to slice up and put in a cup of tea and so I show up to the show tonight to get ready and he sets down a big ass lemon on my dressing room table and then brings out like 5 boxes of Halloween Oreos and for those of you who pay attention to my posts you know what a big fucking deal that is and so long story short I now have a lemon and more Oreos than I know what to do with

update: tonight he brought me 2 lemons and a bag of cough drops. i’m running out of room in my fruit drawer in the fridge because i have so many damn lemons.

LIFE IS GIVING U LEMONS, MAKE SO LEMONADE !!!!!

okay but it wasn’t life it was a guy named howard

Update: tonight there were 3 lemons

Update: 4 lemons

Another update: I have 10 lemons and a date for Friday night

Omg this is the cutest story 😍

THE TAG ON THE FIRST POST SAID HER ROOMMATE HAD A HUGE thing for him what HAPPENED!!!!

not to sound like one of those annoying old people who hates change and refuses to accept new things or whatever but i miss traditional hand drawn 2d animated films like….. why does everything have to be 3d cgi nowadays