this too shall pass

You go to hell, but Satan tells you he’ll send you to heaven if you can beat him in one game of your choice.

can it be just dance

i just want to see satan with a wii remote dancing to abba

If your vote didn’t matter THEY WOULDN’T BREAK LAWS LEFT AND RIGHT TO KEEP YOU FROM VOTING

Yes I am, those fuckers were literally bird-brained.

Lol I think about this daily …some shit could hit any second.

I

the idea that your friends won't like you if you're too weird is wrong for example one time I told a friend whenever I was losing my mind I laid down on the floor under my desk and stared at it until I was better and next time she visited me she taped a bag of salami snacks to the underside of my desk with a message saying "going insane all by yourself, handsome?" which I only saw months later when I had a breakdown. that's friendship.

I learned the word “cum” from reading stephen king books, but he spelled it “come” like a good repressed new england boy so i always thought that’s how it was spelled + still prefer that spelling. Also now whenever i have an orgasm i think of stephen king

you ever look at certain american christmas movies and wonder how, seemingly, not a single person during the whole production bothered to look up what a reindeer is? like is there a single piece of animated rudolph the red-nosed reindeer media where rudolph is depicted as a reindeer and not a white-tailed deer?

any time i hear the insufferable transphobic athlete arguments i think of that one time in middle school when my boys lacrosse team did a full-contact scrimmage against the girls team (who typically play with limited contact) and i, a six-foot, 180lb defender, got utterly laid-out by this 5-foot-nothing girl experiencing the newly-unleashed animosity accompanied by violent sport and as i looked up at my assailant from flat on my back i experienced a brief bout of heterosexuality and fell wildly in love and then had to be taken to the ER because i had a concussion

“from flat on my back i experienced a brief bout of heterosexuality” took me out

“Gary, I realize it’s your first day, but we do have a dress code.”

I literally can’t tell who is talking to who, and I don’t want to change that for a second.

I love Vincent Price cuz that dude is always doing something fucked up. "Oh, I've lost my sculpting abilities, let me just coat people in wax to make statues" "Oh no, my wife is trying to kill me, let me fill a pool in our basement with acid and kill her first" "I'm a scientist now? Better scare the shit out of people to find out if they have bugs in their spines" "Now that I'm aged, let's hire a bunch of homeless people to kill off theatre critics who gave me bad reviews" He never misses. Every movie with him he's doing some fucked up shit and I never get tired of it. Yes Vincent coat that bitch in wax

i feel like i needed this today, thank you

When I’m hanging out with my ghost friend usually we just like to do two casual little things per day, like go to the movies and then have lunch. Just a pair of normal activities

Pair of normal activities. Come on guys

my little cousin confidently declared that mother nature had a counterpart named daddy electric and i feel like this concept needs to be explored