I Dont Give A Hufflefuck

do you guys remember that one text post about pyjamas the terror being an anagram for harry james potter? 

so initially I was going to draw only harry wearing a pyjamas the terror t-shirt, but then I googled online anagram generator and had so much fun with it that ended up drawing the entire gang

My brain IMMEDIATELY began scripting a screwball comedy in which a broke millennial who desperately want to finish his long-abandoned degree but is drowning in student debt pretends to be a senior citizen in order to attend college for free.

I’m picturing someone Channing Tatumesque, applying age makeup every morning before he heads off to class. It’s sort of a cross between 21 Jump Street and Mrs. Doubtfire. He keeps forgetting which hip is supposed to be his bad one. His classmates laugh every time he uses slang. There’s definitely a scene where he attends a college party and busts it up on the dance floor.

I’m sorry?

That’s a challenge.

Oreos aquired.

I’m going to hide them in a super simple place at first

And find a new hiding spot

Hehehe

Now to hide them right under her nose

Aaaaand put them where she would never find them in a million years

:)

You get some cookies! You get some cookies! Everyone gets cookies!

Then a devious idea struck me…

I put the remaining Oreos in a baggie to hide by themselves. Now to “hide” the package where it will probably be found…

And pin the actual stash to the inside of the closet wall

Look at that. So sad. So few Oreos left

Guess I’ll just pin em right to the middle of the wall in the middle of the living room. She’ll never find em there

Oh, guess I should put this back up

Bwa ha ha ha! You guys! You guys don’t understand! I was planning on doing this and when I got home and looked at it I was like “aww, it’s too thin. They won’t fit.” I even TOLD my wife this and how I was disappointed that I wouldn’t be able to hide them back there.

But then I looked again. They dooooo

Thank you all so much for the love. I knew y'all would like this, but I had no idea you would like it THIS MUCH. People calling us “goals” and stuff… Man…. It’s kinda hard to take in ya know? Anyways: if this post gets Over 9000™ before I get off work today I will pick up Halloween Oreos on my way home and this will not stop

And, as promised, a dopey grin

She is so happy that the Oreo Saga continues. Just look at how happy she is

But she never looked inside the blue chair

Good stuff, but it’s time for some cookies

Gotta have some while I think about where these guys are going next

Hmmmmm

Got it.

Wife and I were sewing Elly’s Halloween costume up

Yea, she is going to be a spider and it’s super cute and all but. But. Loooook

Holy actual shit the Oreos fell out from the table literally next to her.

The moment she got up I threw them into the closet

Also:shout out to whoever it was that lost a follower for this post

how they were a footnote

how they’re discounted as unimportant

how the memoirs they wrote about their experiences, the whole two of them who got published, are looked down upon

and he gets so pissed

especially after the few of them who are still alive make contact, maybe they come to see him, maybe he goes to visit

and one night he’s seething about it, some documentary on tv getting it wrong again

and Tony makes a crack, poking to see what’ll happen (he writes it down somewhere therefor it’s science)

and Steve starts ranting about how these women were his friends, they worked hard, they got treated like crap, like eyecandy, they were getting shot at just like everyone else but no one would let them shoot back, how sexist historians got everything wrong and their stories were worth telling and respecting

it’s the most passion Tony’s ever seen from Steve and it’s because people are slandering his friends, most long dead

and the next thing you know, the Maria Stark Foundation and HBO are announcing their next big mini-series

Star Spangled Girls

#he’s doing his best bonus:

Thanks for asking.

So the other night I’m sitting in bed studying or watching Netflix or just being a lazy bum cause I was sick, I don’t remember exactly, but Sam comes in and joins me in my bed.

“Kee,” she says eventually.  “I need to tell you something cause it’s gonna come up at the karate party, and I need you to know so you don’t act weird.”

And I’m like “Okay?  Why is something coming up at the karate party?  Why do you think I’m going to act weird?  Why does this matter?  You’re not even in karate.”

And she’s like “Yeah, but Eliza is.”

So I’m trying to figure out what the heck she’s talking about and I’m like “So?  What do you think we do at karate parties?  Tell our best friends’ deep dark secrets?”

And she laughs and is like “No, but I’m gonna be there as Eliza’s plus one.”

And I’m like “What?  We didn’t get a plus one.  What are you talking about?”

And she’s like “Yeah, but you’re allowed to bring your significant other and your kids if you have them, right?  I’m coming as Eliza’s significant other.”

So of course I’m like “What?  Since when are you and Eliza dating?”

And she rolls her eyes and is like “We’re not.  It’s fake.”

So from what I got, this is the gist of their “relationship”:

Once upon a time in grade 12, Sam and Eliza figured out a way to scam the system of conditional plus ones on invitations.  If you pretended to be dating, you could bring your best friend to anything that significant others were allowed to come to.

They’ve never kissed or done anything more than hold hands and refer to each other as “my girlfriend” on their dating adventures, and their “dates” are limited to parties where the chances of someone who knows they aren’t actually dating are low.  Apparently they’ve got a lock down on being each other’s plus ones to weddings, at whatever point they start getting invited to weddings that aren’t just them tagging along with their parents and weddings are super fun so they want to maximize the number of weddings they get to go to.

Their “anniversary” is around Halloween, since the first time thy tried their loophole was for a Halloween party for some club that Eliza was in.

So yeah.  I guess last year while Eliza was at uni with me and Sam was in a college in our hometown, there were quite a few times that Sam drove down and stayed at Eliza’s dorm for the weekend just because there was some party or event or whatever that Eliza was allowed to bring a significant other to and “Kee, it’s ridiculous.  Why wouldn’t you bring an extra person if you’re allowed to?  It’s like they’re just begging people to find this loophole.  We’re basically geniuses.  We get like twice as much free food.”

Apparently the only reason I haven’t been told until now is because Sam thought I’d judge her or make it into a big deal or something, and there really wasn’t any reason to tell me because there hadn’t been a situation where I’d also be there.

Until the karate party.

Because Eliza’s in my dojo and I was also going to be at the karate party.

So I had to swear on my eventual degree that I was not going to tell our parents or anyone else because “this is top secret, Kee.  It’s need to know only, and Mom definitely does not need to know” and to be chill about it at the karate party.

“So,” Sam asks, leaning back against my pillows.  “Who’re you bringing to the karate party.”

“No one.  I’m not dating anyone.”

“Lame.  You should get a fake relationship.  They’re great.”

So anyway their “dating” at the karate party was basically the same as their regular relationship.  They sat next to each other.  They shared food from each other’s plates.  It was pretty funny watching them field questions about their relationship though.

“So how long have you known each other?”  “Oh, since kindergarten.”  “That’s so cute.”  “I know.  We were both pretty cute when we were kids.  I don’t know what happened to Eliza.”  “Please.  I’m still adorable, and you know it.”

There’s this one dude in the dojo who’s been in a bunch of classes with Eliza and they’re friends outside of karate too and he shows up late to the party and is all “Sam!  It’s great to finally meet you!  I’ve heard so much about you!”  Because apparently Eliza’s told him about her “girlfriend”?  According to her, he doesn’t know it’s fake, and I’m kind of confused and Sam also looked kind of shocked that he expected her to be there so idk what’s going on there.

But yeah.  That’s the story of my sister and her fake girlfriend.  I’m sure they’ve got some funny fake-date stories but I don’t know them yet.

A couple other things:

Sam and Eliza have been best friends since kindergarten and Eliza’s family lives just up the road from mine back home, so Eliza is basically another little sister to me

I don’t actually know either of their sexualities.  I’ve never actually seen Sam when she’s got a crush or is into someone and we were never really into fawning over celebrities or anything growing up, so I don’t know who she’s into.  I do know she’s never been on an actual date outside of her fake dates with Eliza and that she hasn’t had her first kiss yet.

And, considering I don’t know my sister’s sexuality, I feel like it’d be a little odd to know Eliza’s since, as far as I know, she also hasn’t actually non-fake dated anyone either.  Factoring in the group of kids they went through high school with, I’m really not surprised about any of this.  There really weren’t any good dating candidates there.

That all being said, I wouldn’t be surprised if either of them were bi or day or anything, or if this was just them failing at transitioning from friends to more.  They would honestly be a cute couple if they were into girls and wanted to date each other.  So I approve, if that’s the direction this ends up heading.

People from the events they’ve gone to as dates keep asking about them and they’ve been keeping up the charade whenever they run into these people or otherwise talk to them (why it wouldn’t be easier to just be like “oh we broke up actually” I don’t know but I had to swear I wouldn’t judge so this is just me stating facts and not judging lol) so apparently they’re going to have a photo shoot in a pumpkin patch for their two year anniversary??? so they can send these people pictures???  and I think as apparently the only person in on this secret I’m pretty sure I’m going to be roped into being the photographer??? which all could be seen as a little extra, but I’m not allowed to judge.

In this one, Darcy’s recently lost her job, her lease is up, and she’s at a crossroads. So when her aunt decides to spend a couple months helping out her daughter who just had twins, Darcy agrees to go house/pet sit for a bit. The place is nothing like she’s used to, but it’s surprisingly easy to find her groove and soon enough she miraculously lands herself a real job in town. But a couple weeks into her stay when the family dog picks a fight with a porcupine, she finds herself meeting the local vet, one Clint Barton: former vet and current town fair archery champ for five years running.

Yeah, he’s a little rough around the edges but damn is he just so sincere with every animal and person she sees him with. And the way his smile crinkles, and his goofy laugh rings out, and his voice rumbles does things to her heart that Darcy hadn’t been expecting. 

Unfortunately, the idiot thinks he’s no good for her. 

But since he’s not actually that much older than her. And since he still makes her laugh despite trying to keep her at arm’s length. And since even when he’s arguing with her it feels more genuine and respectful than any of her actual relationships. And since she’s starting to see herself sticking around far longer than anyone ever expected her to. She decides to prove him wrong.

Luckily, the town fair is around the corner and Darcy’s signed up for the archery contest. Making a simple wager was inevitable. And she’s not about to admit she’s got a former olympic archer roommate’s teachings giving her the edge. 

Clint never had a shot.

-your weight

-your clothing choice

-your amount of make up

-having sex

-not having sex

-breast size

-having your period

-saying no

-not appreciating catcalls 

-masturbating

- clothing choices

- make up

a ‘green/yes’ is a weakness, a ‘red/no’ is something that isnt a weakness, and a ‘?’ is something that has never been addressed but fucking riddle me this

I mean, the heroes do, of course they do, kids who want to meet Spiderman or Superman or get to be carried by the Flash as he runs through Central City for just thirty seconds.

Like, the first time it happens, no one actually thinks it’s possible, but one of the newbies volunteers to at least try. They get lucky, the kid wants to meet one of the villains who is well known to have a personal code of ethics (eg one of the rogues), and it takes them weeks to track the villain down to this one bar they’ve been seen at a few times, plus a week of staking out said bar, but they finally find them.

So they approach the villain, very politely introduce themselves and explain the situation, finishing with an assurance that, should the villain agree, no law enforcement or heroes will be informed of the meeting.

The villain, assuming it’s a joke, laughs in their face.

At this point, the poor volunteer, who has giving up weeks of their time and no small amount of effort to track down this villain, all so a sweet little girl can meet the person who somehow inspired them, well, at this point the employee sees red.

They explode, yelling at this villain about the little girl who, for some unknown reason, absolutely loved them, had a hand-made stuffed toy of them and was inspired by their struggle to keeping fighting her own and wasn’t the villain supposed to have ethics? The entire bar is witness to this big bad villain getting scolded by some bookish nobody a foot shorter than them.

When the volunteer is done, the villain calmly knocks back their drink, grips the volunteers shoulder and drags them outside. The bar’s patrons assume that person will never be seen again, the volunteer included. But once they’re outside, the villain apologises for their assumption, asks for the kid’s details so they can drop by in the near future, not saying when for obvious reasons. They also give the very relieved volunteer a phone number to call if someone asks for them again.

A week later, the little girl’s room is covered in villain merchandise, several expensive and clearly stolen gifts and she is happily clutching a stack of signed polaroids of her and the villain.

The next time a kid asks to meet a villain, guess who gets that assignment?

Turns out, the first villain was quite touched by the experience of meeting their little fan, and word has gotten around. The second villain happily agrees when they realise it’s the same volunteer who asked the other guy. Unfortunately, one of the heroes sees the villain entering the kid’s hospital and obviously assumes the worst. They rush in, ready to drag the villain out, but the volunteer stands in their way. The hero spends five minutes getting scolded for trying to stop the villain from actually doing a good thing and almost ruining the kid’s wish. The volunteer gets a reputation among villains as someone who can not only be trusted with personal contact numbers but who will do everything they can to keep law enforcement away during their visits.

The volunteer has a phonebook written in cypher of all the villain’s phone numbers, with asterixes next to the ones to call if any other villains give them trouble.

Heroes: “Can’t you, just, give us their contact details? They’ll never even have to know it was you.”

The Villain Wrangler: “Yeah sure, <rollseyes> because all these evil geniuses could never possibly figure out that it’s me who happens to be the common thread in the sudden mass arrests. Look man, even if it wouldn’t get me killed, it would disappoint the kids. You wouldn’t want to disappoint the kids would you?”

Heroes: “… no~ but…”

The Villain Wrangler: “Exactly.”

Eventually, one of the anti-hero types gets frustrated, and decides to take a stand. They kidnap the Villain Wrangler and demand that they give up the contents of the little black book of Villains, or suffer the consequences. It’s For the Greater Good, the anti-hero insists as they tie the Villain Wrangler to a pillar.

The Villain Wrangler: “You complete idiot, put me back before someone figures out that I’m missing.”

Anti-hero: “…excuse me?”

The Villain Wrangler: “Ugh, do I have to spell this out for you? Do you actually want your secret base to be wiped off the map? With us in it? Sugarsticks, how long has it been? If they get suspicious, they check in, and then if I miss a check-in, they tend to come barging into wherever I am just to prove that they can, even if they figure out that they’re not being threatened by proxy. Suffice to say, Auntie Muriel really regretted throwing my phone into the pool when she strenuously objected to me answering it during family time. If they think for even one moment that I’ve given them up, they won’t hesitate to obliterate both of us from their potential misery. You do know some of the people in my book have like missiles and djinni and elemental forces at their disposal, right?”

Anti-hero: “Wait, what? I thought they trusted you?!”

The Villain Wrangler: “Trust is such a strong word!”

Villain: “Indeed.”

Anti-hero: “Wait, wha-” <slumps over, dart sticking out of neck>

The Villain Wrangler: “Thanks. I thought they were going to hurt me.”

Villain: “You did well. You kept them distracted, and gave us time to follow your signal.” <cuts Villain Wrangler free>

The Villain Wrangler: <rubbing circulation back into limbs> “Yeah well, you know me, I do whatever I have to. So I’ll see you Wednesday at four at St Martha’s? I’ve got an 8yo burns unit patient recovering from her latest batch of skin grafts who could really use a pep talk.”

Villain: “… of course. Yes… I… yes.”

The Villain Wrangler: “I just think you could really reach her, you know?”

Villain: <unconsciously runs fingers over mask> “I… yes, but, what should I say?”

The Villain Wrangler: “Whatever advice you think you could have used the most just after.”

Villain: <hoists Anti-hero over shoulder almost absently> “….yes.”

The Villain Wrangler wasn’t lying to the Anti-hero. They know that the more ruthless villains would not hesitate if they thought for one second that the Anti-hero would betray them.

But this is not the first time the Villain Wrangler has gone to extreme lengths to protect their identities.

Also, imagine one of the kids gets better, and a few years down the line becomes a villain themself, except their crimes are things like smuggling chemo drugs across the border for families that can’t afford treatment, or stealing from corrupt businessmen to make donations to underfunded hospitals (idk this turned into a Leverage AU or something) and every time the heroes encounter her, they’re like “oh no. she’s getting away. curses. welp, nothing we can do.” Though it isn’t that she can’t take them on; bc of course once the villain from way back when found out what she was up to, he started helping/training her. 

“I thought they just hired someone to dress up and pretend to be you,” she says, amazed, when he reveals himself. “I didn’t think they actually got the real you!”

they are fierce with grieving families assuring them that their child will not be forgotten, and they don’t balk at negative emotions, they don’t tell people to be strong or “celebrate their child’s life,” because these parents have every right to their grief and anger

“I swear I am not a bill collector ma’am. It’s just. Well. Ok and I swear I am not a stalker even if this is actually going to be a very creepy phone call, but you said you were going to the mall at four? Is it possible you could reschedule or postpone that trip for about an hour? That mall is way too close to…well. It just wouldn’t be safe. I could wire you some money, and you could go to the much nicer mall one town over? Would that work for you? No? You are calling the police? Yes. Yes that is the sensible thing to do. Definitely do that. You have a nice day, ma’am. Tell Marcus Doctor Evil says hello and to have a nice day.”

And then the poor minion has to call the villain and explain why robbing X bank isn’t a good idea that day. 

“Yes. Hello. Sir? Oh good I caught you before you left the base. Look, Marcus Smithson’s aunt is going to be near the blast radius for that job you have scheduled so-yes. Yes I am aware that rescheduling is going to be a lot of work since most everything is already set up, but….but, sir think about poor Marcus! She’s his favorite aunt, and the woman refused to ‘reorder her life around some crazy mastermind’. ……no…..no, please do not kidnap the aunt, sir. It’s terribly rude. Yes I realize you weren’t going to keep her or doing anything other than drop her off at an alternative location, but, well, citizens frown upon that sort of thing and….yes….Yes, of course. You have a good day, too, sir.”

Penny is an intelligent kid. She catches on to the spying henchmen pretty quick and bribes some of them to her side with snacks. That first confrontation does not go like Lord Dominion expected because Penny has minions (minions that are using his OWN WEAPONS against him, even) 

Lord Dominion is the proudest villain ever, even if he did almost lose an ear thanks to the impeccable aim of a nine year old with a grudge. He does let the laser blast graze him just so he can have a scar to show people because that girl is a villain after his own heart.

He doesn’t want to ask his villain rivals to help her out because that would imply he doesn’t think she’s capable of eventually growing strong enough to kick his ass. Turns out Penny already thought of  that and has mailed letters asking for advice to Lady Sinister, Lord Dominion’s long time, mostly friendly rival. (She mailed a letter to Lord D’s arch nemesis, but man. Heroes are always trying to make you do The Right Thing. Penny doesn’t have time for the high road. Plus, the low road has lasers.)

site:<url of site where you read the fic> <a line you remember from the fic or character names plus a unique detail>

for example:

site:http://archiveofourown.org/ Todd Margo pedicure