The Buddy & Sook Kite Flying Society

People keep tweeting... “What was the point of the Women’s March?”

I have a few thoughts:

The women’s march took place to send a message to the World that Donald Trump does not share the views of the majority of the American people.  #DontGetItTwisted

We wanted to send a message to the President and his entire cabinet that we do not approve of mysogny, homophobia, transphobia, xenophobia or any other phobia that restricts the rights and liberties of the people of the United States of America. #DontGetItTwisted

We marched because we disapprove of the way our President publicly mocks the disabled and brags about sexual assault.  #DontGetItTwisted

We marched because “women’s rights are human rights”.  #DontGetItTwisted

We marched because the most qualified candidate since Thomas Jefferson won the election by 3 million votes yet lost the election due to Russian hackers, FBI sabotage and voter suppression.  #DontGetItTwisted

We marched because 51% of white women voted for a man who BRAGS about sexual assault PROVING that inherent sexism exists not just in men but also in women and it is OUR JOB to wake up that 51% of women and show them the way.  #DontGetItTwisted

We marched because there are people in our country who think Hillary Clinton should be jailed for deleting emails but Donald Trump is “just being a guy” when bragging about sexual assault. #DontGetItTwisted

We marched for our mothers, grandmothers, sisters and aunts. #DontGetItTwisted

We marched for our fathers, grandfathers, brothers and uncles.  #DontGetItTwisted

We marched for your children and your children’s children. #DontGetItTwisted

We marched because…

And let me be extremely clear on this point:

WE CANNOT NORMALIZE DONALD TRUMP AS OUR PRESIDENT.  #DontGetItTwisted

Nothing about this election was normal. Nothing. He is not fit to lead our nation and we, the people, run our Government and we have to keep him in check OURSELVES. Ya dig? Everyday we have to stay vigilante and pay attention.

The march was just the beginning.

#DontGetItTwisted

You guys! I miss you. We need to do this more often. I’m just figuring out this new social media schedule summertime madness nonsensical nonsense. Ya dig?

I’ve been doing weekly YouTube videos for a month now which is HUGE for me. Yes, Donald Trump “HUGE!”

I’ve always wanted to make YouTube videos and I have always had some excuse not to start. So last month I started a food review series that has really taken off (98 views! WHAT?!!!!)

Anyway… I still want to do more VLOGs and I really want to show you guys the progress I’m making with my skateboard.

True Story: My next-door neighbor (the one who hates me not the Caughie’s) was watching me skateboard the other day and he was like, “You still got it, kid!” Little does he know, I NEVER had it. I’m teaching myself. I was so flattered that I became completely self-conscious and proceeded to fall off of my skateboard and talk to myself in an aggressive tone!

HASHTAG WINNING

In regard to the poopy diaper from last week’s blog, I have an update. It has now turned into poopy diaper confetti that is spread over a 10 ft area.

HASHTAG LOVELY

I’m thinking of doing a comic book haul video perhaps in the coming days. If that appeals to you let me know and I will do that.

Or… No! My next video should be a Q&A video where I answer questions asked by YOU. That could be fun. Or creepy…

HASHTAG BOTH

Side note: I’m really awful at the game Headbanz. Like, embarrassingly awful. Like, I made my sister mad at me on Christmas Eve bad.

HASHTAG TRUE STORY

Final thought: 

I was recently asked for a quote that didn’t get published so I figured I’d use it here. I was asked about my thoughts on the Penguins winning the Stanley Cup and this is what I have for you dear readers:

I think its safe to say that Pittsburgh is the city of Champions. We dominate in professional athletics. Okay… the Pirates do the best they can with what they have and are symbolic champions.

I think every person in Pittsburgh has the opportunity to be a “champion”.

Fred Rogers championed for children to love themselves and to be kind to others.

Dr. Jim Withers is a Pgh based doctor who created the concept of Street Medicine bringing healthcare to people living on the street not just in Pittsburgh but around the World.

Giselle Fetterman opened the FREE STORE in Braddock where folks who have no money can go and get groceries donated from farms and stores around the area.

I think every person in Pittsburgh who loves to celebrate these athletic heroes should also consider the possibility of being heroes themselves by championing for others.

Whether it’s standing up to a bully for another person or helping a sick neighbor or buying groceries for a friend who recently lost their job… We all can step up the to plate and help. We can all be CHAMPIONS.

That’s my two cents on the subject… SHARE if you agree.

Thanks as always for reading this blog. I’ll post links below to all my social media stuff!

YOUTUBE

INSTAGRAM

VINE

TWITTER

MY WEBSITE

JOSH AND GAB WEBSITE

As an outdoor walker I have seen some beautiful moments in my neighborhood.

I’ve seen a mother squirrel gathering nuts for her babies. I’ve seen a doe teach her fawn to walk. I’ve seen cardinals mate. I watched an elderly couple sit on their front porch and sneak kisses from one another. I watched a family celebrate as they moved into their very first home.

Today I saw the most wondrous thing of them all.

I saw a poopy diaper in the middle of the road.

How?

How?

How?

I’m almost certain that the baby who pooped in the diaper is not responsible. Babies can’t even support their own freaking heads! There is no way a baby removed his own diaper, hit a button to lower the car window, chucked the dirty diaper into the neighborhood and then hit a button to raise the car window. I just don’t think that’s possible.

I’m then led to think that perhaps a baby exploded (and by “exploded” I mean pooped) in the car and the parents could no longer take the smell that they chucked the diaper into the middle of the neighborhood. These sound like good people. (And by “good” I mean dumb, stupid and horrible.)

Or, perhaps, a crow got into a garbage can and found the diaper. Mistakenly confused the poop as sloppy joes. Brought the diaper into the middle of the street to share with his crow friends who upon arrival squawked, “B****! This ain’t sloppy joe it’s POOP!”

The only forgivable scenario are the crows. Crows make stupid mistakes sometimes.

I can also forgive the baby genius scenario because I like to encourage smart kids.

Okay… Only the scenario with the parents is unforgivable because I mean… My neighbors have signs in their yards reminding people to pick up their dog’s poop. I’m sure if they hate dog feces they really hate human feces.

Humans are so gross.

In other news…

I was on this podcast. I made this YouTube video. Follow me on: Twitter

Come to this show:

This past week during my grief counseling session I mentioned to my shrink that I can’t see a preview for the new TMNT movie without bursting into tears.

I’m not crying because I’m sad. I’m thrilled and smiling yet sobbing.

She wanted me to discuss my relationship with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

I told her that I didn’t think an hour would be enough time to really delve into my history with four teenage mutants who literally expanded my imagination in a way that no other cartoon had ever done.

She told me to try anyway. So I did.

I explained the first time my mom and I saw an ad on TV for an upcoming cartoon series:

Mom

Baby! Look! Turtles who are mutants and eat pizza!

Gabby

Mom! And they’re Italian! And they’re ninjas! That looks awesome!

Mom

Let’s make sure we watch it when it starts next Monday!

Gabby

Yeah! That would be great! You’re the best mom ever!

I started to cry just telling that anecdote. My mom was the best, you guys.

Then I started to tell her how Beanie (my pops) loved action figures almost as much as I did. Okay. He DEFINITELY loved them as much as I did. So the minute that I got hooked on the cartoon series Dad and I went to buy every single TMNT action figure available to man/woman/child.

My dad was the kind of dad who would look through the Toys ‘R’ Us catalogue and call me over to say, “The pizza thrower is on sale this weekend. We have to go buy it for you!”

I started to cry telling this anecdote too.

Beanie was the coolest father in the history of fathers. He wore Air Jordans and skinny jeans. He smoked unfiltered camel cigarettes (which ended up killing him, but he looked RAD doing it). He was a poet, a novelist and the roughest, toughest bartender from Stowe Township. He chased after muggers for strangers and he literally would remove the shirt off of his back for anyone in need.

Beanie was a superhero.

The original TMNT series ran from 1987-1996.

During those 9 years my mom and dad were healthy. During those 9 years my mom and dad were working at jobs they loved. During those 9 years my older siblings were happy and doing well. During those 9 years I was the happiest I have ever been in my life.

I think we figured out why I’m so emotional when I see a TMNT preview.

My new shrink is really good.

I can’t wait to see the new film. I know I’ll probably sob through the first viewing so I am already prepared to see it a few times in the theater. Let me know if you want to catch a viewing with me.

In the meantime… I made my first YouTube food review! Watch it and let me know if you want to see me make more of these kind of videos. Click the link below to watch:

CHEERY CHERRY CLIFF BAR REVIEW

And in conclusion… I just want to thank you guys for reading my blogs, watching my videos and in general keeping an eye on me while I navigate through the waves of grief. The grief that I am experiencing for my mom is so different from any other grief I have experienced before because Mom was my life-partner. She was the Abbott to my Costello. She was the Abed to my Troy. She was Sook to my Buddy. She was Salt to my Pepa. But alas…

My shrink thinks that I’m doing really well and considering everything… I think I am too.

Thanks guys! <insert thumbs up emoji>

For approximately one hour today I did not have any power at my house and I almost lost my mind.

I turned into a mixture of Daffy Duck, Tom Hanks from Cast Away and Charlton Heston from The Omega Man.

It wasn’t pretty, y’all.

I did teach myself how to hunt with a protractor. Just in case.

Also Phineas and I are now roommates with a soccer ball named Charlie. Phineas wanted to call him “Wilson” but that felt forced. So I vetoed his choice and decided to name him after Jen Lindley’s first boyfriend in college.

Jen Lindley was a character from a show called Dawson’s Creek. After my father’s premature death in 2000, I became unhealthily obsessed with Dawson’s Creek. I shut out real people in my life so that I could hide away to hang with my “real friends” who were fictional television characters.

Its sort of what I’m doing now with YouTube personalities…

Oh. Did you guys know that? Generally if I am “off the grid” it is mostly because I am catching up on Joey Graceffa’s daily Vlogs or I am binge-watching old My Toe Cold videos. Yep. They’re my friends now, you guys. It’s just how I have to roll right now… No offense to real people or real friends.

Back to the power outage… I was fully prepared to pull out my gas grill to make myself eggs and toast. Yeah, I’m cowboy, y’all.

#GiddyUp

Okay. Let’s just be real. I totally wigged out when the power went out mostly because my WI-FI dropped. Who the h*ll Am I kidding? My connection to others was gone.

Okay sure… I still had my phone so I could check social media and text my sister, but still.

What if my iPhone battery died BEFORE the power came back? Then what?

Okay. You’re right I still had access to my car and my bank account. I could have just left the house until the power came back, but that sounded far too rational.

I preferred looking for my brother’s old bow & arrow so that I could go DUCK/WABBIT hunting.

I learned how to sew. I learned how to churn butter. I took two sticks and created fire. (None of the above statements are true.)

Oooh. But I did get a follow up on my Furry Blog from the other day…

#IGotThePower

#ACES

In a recent therapy session my shrink and I created a new happy space for me in my mind where I can escape to when anxiety strikes.

I’m not going to share my happy space because it is equal parts fictional and real. Also some things should remain sacred and I think happy spaces are a solo endeavor. Although if Mom were still alive I’d tell her, but then again if Mom were still alive I wouldn’t need a new happy space. (sigh) I digress…

My therapist has also encouraged me to go back to listening to classical music and opera like I did as a child. My mother used this music to help me to relax and sleep and it always worked. It only makes sense for it to return to my life… Especially now.

#Puccini 

I’m currently listening to Mozart’s: Piano Sonatas. It’s aces!

#ACES

In other news: 

I attended an event for Katie McGinty for Senate last night. I was already a fan of hers prior to meeting her in person, but I must tell you that she is the real deal. She’s personable, smart as a whip, liberal, focused, compassionate and she’s very committed to the children of PA and getting every child Universal Pre-K. Also… Even though this can become a controversial reason to vote for someone, it would really be nice to see a woman represent the state of Pennsylvania. Representation of gender is a good thing.

I guess this is as good a time as any to remind y’all that this upcoming Tuesday is Election Day in Pennsylvania. I’m also having a comedy show that night at the Brillobox (4104 Penn Avenue). My suggestion? Go vote, come to the Brillobox, you can watch the returns on the first floor while buying some booze and then head upstairs for some FREE laughs and an amazing Drag performance from Pgh’s own: Fauxever Jung.

It’s your CIVIC DUTY! And it’s FREE. I mean, FUN. I mean, #BOTH.

So yeah… My staycation is still going ACES. I have been productive while still trying to relax and love myself. You know… Some basic human functioning up in this piece! *mic drop*

I hope your end of the work week is going ACES too!

I will leave you with a  #TBT photo of when I was briefly kidnapped by an Austrian family...

#ACES

I wasn’t going to write about this, but it is almost too weird NOT to write about so here it goes:

Back in the old days… Let’s say 2010. I had a run-in with the Furry Community that did not go very well. It culminated in me getting a series of some of the most violent, extreme and hateful emails in email history.

I used to post the hate mail on a site that I used to run called:

Furries Hate Me.

I have not been on that page or received mail from the Furry Community or regarding the Furry Community in over four years.

Until last night.

I received this email:

from: El Lobo to: Gab Bonesso subject: Furries Hate me More! I'm Rex Beowulf. Wanna talk? I attempted to have several dozen people prosecuted under the RICO Act for "Conspiracy Against Rights."  Unfortunately, you have to have a cop on your side to be able to see criminals prosecuted in the USA. Furries are a BIG reason I am in Mexico applying for asylum. But I am on the attack now.  I have a show, and have finally uploaded an episode about furries.  Zombie Apocalypse Diaries is the show, and the episode is called Disney's Furtopia, Furries, and Animal Sex, if you care to watch it. I look forward to conversing. Good luck!

Okay… WTF?

Seriously. WTF?

WHAT? THE. F?

*Gab shakes her head and then at the top of her lungs yells*

HASHTAG ACES!

*Gab then does jazz hands, sits criss cross applesauce and proceeds to meditate*

#ACES

What up party people?

Baby Girl is on a STAYCATION and loving every single minute thus far.

My business partner is away in Europe on a belated honeymoon which means we have zero shows this week which by default means I’m on holiday too.

Sadly my holiday involves doing a lot of Executrix work that I haven’t been able to focus my time on up until this point. I’m also doing some work just for “the Gab” too.

I have needed a personal vacation from stress, worry, anxiety and grief for a while now so this is coming at a good time for me.

I’m taking this week to get as much exercise as my body can handle.

I’m also using this week to ween off of Prilosec (a medication that I have been on/off  since I was 15. Studies are now showing that this medication when taken for a prolonged period can cause other health risks including heart disease. And heart disease already runs in my family so… ACES!).

I’m also using this week to SPRING CLEAN. I don’t know if you guys noticed but spring has finally arrived here in STEEL TOWN US of A.

So… In other words… I’m not really relaxing but I am relieving my brain of anxiety because I am finally accomplishing things that I have been trying to accomplish all winter. ACES!

(SIDE NOTE: I’m also taking this week to bring back the phrase, “ACES!” I think we can do this, Team. We just need to work together and we can have #ACES trending WORLDWIDE by this weekend.)

HASHTAG ACES

My staycation began yesterday with my favorite film of all-time randomly being on television.

Its pretty much the movie that defines my soul. Life Aquatic is a close second, but no. Max Fischer is my spirit animal. I felt whole watching it again because it’s been a hot minute since I watched it all the way through. I felt like a part of me returned. I know it’s odd giving a film that much power over my emotional state, but I’ve finally accepted that I don’t control my emotions. I just control how I deal with them now.

HASHTAG THERAPY

HASHTAG ACES

I finally finished reading: “A Doll’s House” (which I started in February. Ugh.), and now I have moved onto “Ghosts” which I must admit is easily one of my top five favorite plays of all-time. Oswald is the S**T! I haven’t read it since High School, but wow. This play is so ahead of its time. I mean… For all the kids who are caught up in the #FEELTHEBERN movement because they are excited by “sticking it to the man”… I say to you “kids” read Ibsen. He was feeling the burn (Oswald literally was in “Ghosts”) in 1879, YO.

I’ve also been checking out some new music. In case I haven’t preached the good word to y’all yet… Let me do so now.

Apple Music is the best $9 I spend each month. It gives me complete access to the entire iTunes catalogue. You can download what you want so you don’t use data. It is amazing. And through Apple Music I have been listening to:

ANTI (Deluxe) by: Rihanna

The Life of Pablo by: Kanye West

Skrillex and Diplo Present Jack U by: Skrillex and Diplo

The Rolling Stones (entire catalogue)

Revolution by: Diplo

All good jams. You should check it.

Okay, kids. I had fun checking in with you today, but I have a schedule to follow and Baby Girl has to roll.

Enjoy this day. Enjoy yourself. You guys are awesome. Believe in yourselves! Thanks for reading!

Baby Girl signing out! ACES!

For as long as I can remember I have always envisioned myself as a skateboarder.

As a kid when I would imagine going to school I always imagined myself skateboarding there not riding the bus.

However in the real World I always rode the bus.

Now as an adult when I imagine myself starring in a comedy show I always imagine myself showing up to the venue on a skateboard, skateboarding to the stage, doing a few tricks and then performing the actual standup part of the show.

In the real World this has never once happened.

When I imagine myself going into the schools to perform a Josh & Gab show I always imagine skateboarding into the gym and doing 20 minutes of tricks while Josh shreds on the guitar.

Once again, in the Real World, this has never happened.

So what am I waiting for? It’s NOW or NEVER.

I’m tired of the Imaginary Gab having all the fun while the Real Gab loses hours of every day sitting in silence imagining Skateboarder Gab.

This summer I am buying myself a skateboard and teaching myself how to ride it properly by watching YouTube videos. (Side note: I taught myself how to vacuum a swimming pool and how to lace tennis shoes through Youtube videos so I’m pretty sure I’ll be Tony Hawk by August.)

I know this upcoming endeavor scares my sister to her core because “we’ve lost too many family members to death” so I am limiting my riding to my driveway (until I’m awesome then I’m skateboarding to Giant Eagle to buy sushi).

I will journal (blog) the process and I will VLOG the process too because I’m sure it’s going to get wacky at times. It’s going to be Real Gab merging into Imaginary Gab. It HAS to get wacky.

So stay tuned for my skateboarding adventures this summer.

It will only be a matter of time until I’m an official Ninja Turtle.

I just need to get my hands on some mutagen…

“Believe in yourself my darlings! No one will love you more than you. Except your mom!” - Gab Bonesso Fictional MD

To Follow Gab on Social Media:

www.twitter.com/gabbonesso www.facebook.com/gabbonesso

www.instagram.com/gabbonesso

Look at this kid. She’s slouched, barely smiling and possibly malnourished.  Her bangs resemble Moe from the Three Stooges and she’s wearing a Mickey sweatshirt. She looks hungover!

THIS CAN’T BE AN ACTUAL SCHOOL PHOTO.

Yet, it is.

I was that kid. You know the one. The one who is never prepared for “School Picture Day”.

That is my first grade school photo. My Mom (God rest her soul) hated this picture. She also looked at it as a reflection on her making a mistake when in actuality it was my mistake or quite possibly Mrs. McKeon (my first grade teacher’s) mistake.

The above picture was not taken on the official school picture day. Nor was it taken on the “make-up” day. Nor was it taken on the “backup make-up” day.  

Yeah… I was THAT kid.

So here’s the thing… 

My school would send home things called “take home papers”.

Take home papers generally consisted of information that parents should know about such as when to buy Kennywood tickets or how to sign up for Girl Scouts or the exact date of “school picture day”.

I wasn’t really good about bringing my “take home papers” home. I was really good at making paper airplanes out of them however… All the boys in my class would ask me to make them paper airplanes with their “take home papers” too. (Coughs) I don’t want to brag but I was pretty awesome at being 6.

After we missed the first two rounds of “school picture day” which my mom only found out about thanks to some SNITCH (i.e. our Elementary school secretary), my mom was on a mission to be prepared for the third and final “backup make-up” day.

In fact my mom bought me an extra folder for my Trapper Keeper (mine was light blue with a picture of a Tiger on it) which she clearly labeled: TAKE HOME PAPERS.

Note: This plan could have worked if I was not turning my “take home papers” into Aeronautic masterpieces.

Side note: Yeah. Maybe I wasn’t good about being “organized”. And maybe I wasn’t good with fashion (see above: Mickey sweatshirt), but you know what? Neither was Einstein. Or Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory.  (SLOW CLAP)

Anyway… Long story short… By the time the third make-up day rolled around I was sick. So I missed it. The school freaked out and called my mom like we were part of some conspiracy NOT to have my picture taken. They were mad at my mom. My mom was mad at them, herself and probably me but she would’t admit the last one. They informed her that the last make-up day would be at random because it was dependent on the photographer’s schedule and they couldn’t give us a clear date.

Hence me showing up to school with crooked bangs, Mickey sweatshirt, beer-belly posture and a fake smile.

Thanks a lot, Mrs. McKeon. You were the worst. You called me Gabriel ALL YEAR and that’s not my name, TEACH. You laughed during the Santa Claus letter debacle (which is its own blog post) and I wet my pants 6 times during the school year and you never ONCE thought that there was something wrong with my bladder or my emotional state. You could have taken one extra minute a day to help the poor girl struggling in your class, but you were too busy dealing with discipline problem “Chad”. Yeah… First grade sucked but it wasn’t because of my folks or missing picture day… It was because I was left in the hands of a woman who didn’t really see me or know me, and I think my first grade school picture conveys just that.

Let’s flash forward to Second Grade. Miss Wickline (still to this day, one of my favorite teachers of all-time). She pronounced “Gabrielle” right off the bat, day one. She recognized my sense of humor and would allow me to tell the class stories. She saw me and made me feel special. She even cast me in my first play. I was Dasher. (happy sigh)

There is an old saying, “A picture is worth a thousand words”.

That is my second grade school photo. We did it on the right day. Sweater/Polo combo compliments of JC Penny. We were prepared. I look healthy. And… I didn’t pee my pants ONCE that year. Oh, and I got my ears pierced like a big girl! Second grade RULED!

A lot can happen in just one year…

NEVER GIVE UP!

I am a sucker for banana phones. Seriously. I always grab the nearest banana to make a phone call. Who do I call? Who do you think?

Batman.

I also love fake guns that squirt grape jelly. I have never had the pleasure of owning one of these guns and when I mention them to other people they always look at me like grape jelly guns don’t exist and honestly if that’s true then every single engineer in the World is failing us.

Hold the banana phone!

In the words of Annie Hall, “La-Dee-Da”!

Grape jelly guns do exist! On the Island of Misfit Toys! BOO YA!

Thank you Google for making me feel less crazy. Thank you Rudolph for discovering an Island where I belong. Thank you claymation for your contribution to Holiday programming. Thank you CBS for finally getting rid of Morgan on Criminal Minds. (content sigh)

I try not to be political on my blog, but if there is something I am willing to go public with it’s my hatred for cigarette smoking. Here is an anti-smoking meme that I created:

You’re welcome, World.

I do, however, like fake cigarettes. Especially bubble gum cigarettes. If every person who smokes real cigarettes switched to bubble gum cigarettes there would be less cancer in the World and way more bubbles.

GAB BONESSO FOR PRESIDENT! “She’s outlawing tobacco cigarettes and replacing them with bubble gum cigarettes because she CARES!”

Here is a picture from an ANTI SMOKING skit I wrote in 2012. In the pic I have three bubble gum cigarettes in my mouth...

I’m basically the Meryl Streep of the ANTI SMOKING sketch comedy scene. 

HASH TAG METHOD ACTING

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Banana phones are ALWAYS funny.

HASH TAG ALWAYS

Okay since I took a stance on cigarettes and pretty much figured out a solution to save the World how about this?

What if we replace all guns that use bullets for guns that use grape jelly?

WAIT FOR IT...

Literal deaths would go down, figurative deaths would go up (don’t know if you ever got sticky jelly on your skin but it’s gross and it makes your soul feel helpless.)

WAIT FOR IT....

STICKY BANDITS would be a REAL thing:

Has anyone ever run on this particular platform?

YES to Banana Phones!

NO to guns with bullets!

YES to guns filled with grape jelly!

NO to tobacco filled cigarettes!

YES to bubble gum filled cigarettes!

I mean... Maybe someone running for 6th grade class President has run on this platform but I’m talking about running for the real President. Like, the one who gets to live in the White House and fly around in Air Force One and gets to have their mug on currency. Yeah. That’s the one I want to be.

Maybe I should start by being someone’s running mate. I just need someone with more experience than me who is also a progressive and is open to thinking outside of the box...

GOT IT!

KANYE WEST/GAB BONESSO TICKET 2024!!!!!

Have you finished your Easter shopping yet?

Me either!

I have been to Giant Eagle every single day this week but I refused to do my Easter shopping until today.

Why?

I have issues with freshness and product quality and laziness…

Bottom line: I DIDN’T FEEL LIKE HAM SHOPPING UNTIL TODAY! (yo.)

In other news...

The weather has been exceptional for two days straight!

That means it has been two days in a row of intense power walking for Baby Girl (that’s me) and getting stuff done around the house (i.e. Talking to neighbors who were convinced I had gone full throttle Norman Bates but were pleased to find out that I’m only half throttle and still doing “as well as can be expected for someone who lost their best friend, soul mate, mom”.

So yeah… While my energy level is equal to Jim Carrey’s performance in “The Mask”, Baby Girl is doing okay.

Thanks to the sun. And “the son” (Jesus).

I’m feeling a little extra religious this week being Holy week and all.

Actually… I have been re-reading the Bible. Okay… I have been listening to it on audible.com Okay… I have been listening to Andrew Lloyd Webber’s Jesus Christ Superstar.

HASH TAG SAME THING

In other news… Have you guys heard about “assassin Bugs”?

They basically look like bigger stink bugs but they are deadly hence the name “assassin”.

Yeah… Like I don’t have enough to freaking worry about now I have to worry about these creatures. I don’t know how long you have been following  “my writing” but I had a very traumatic experience with stink bugs in 2009 that left me in “treatment” for years trying to overcome my fear.

Long story short, therapy did not work and I am still afraid.

So it’s just great that there is a new bug in town that’s uglier and actually deadly.

I AM NOT GOING TO MAKE IT.

IT = Life MAKE = Live

CONFESSION: I am wearing a Little Edie style turban as I write this blog. I won this turban at Alexi Morrisey’s “Adventure Bingo” two summers ago. It is red. That is all.

BREAKING NEWS:

Oh man! Check this crap out… I can’t find my most valuable action figure (next to my new Hillary Clinton action figure).

That’s right. I lost KRANG.

Unacceptable. He’s somewhere in this madhouse… I used him as a prop for a show a few months back… I… I… I…

THIS IS NOT OKAY.

RANDOM NEWS:

Hey! What’s up with people who post on social media things like:

“Oh my God. Is this election over yet? I hate politics. This is why i don’t vote.”

Seriously? You don’t vote? You’re proud of this fact? I mean it’s more of a “right” than a “duty” but it’s basically a civic duty if you give a crap about our country at all…

But honestly… It reminds of being in 8th grade Earth Science and I had a crew of friends. A “squad” if you will and it was the first time I felt like I could get along with kids my age. And my crew/squad would always be like, “Did you study for the test?” and I would be like, “Of course! I’m still lying to my parents that I want to be a doctor!” and they’d be like, “Cool. We’ll just copy from you!”

That’s what I want to reply to their posts with… “Cool. I guess we “annoying political” people will take care of it for you. We’ll study the candidates and we’ll vote and we will decide who is in charge. FOR YOU.”

If you don’t vote you’re just as bad as Wendy Bell. There. I said it.

HASH TAG UGH

Final thoughts…

In the words of Jim Carrey in “The Mask”

“SMOKING!”

Happy Easter to those of you who celebrate. Happy long weekend to those of you who don’t. “Happy, happy. Joy, joy” to those of you who miss Ren and Stimpy.

Baby Girl signing off… Oh. And TBT for Steph! FYI: I am just as frightened looking at this picture as I was actually being in it. WHAT IS UP WITH THAT BUNNY?!!!

I kind of hoped that I finally reached an age where I would no longer “fan girl” artists. (And by “fan girl” I mean purchasing a band’s shirt at Hot Topic.)

Naturally if I met Beyonce or Hillary Clinton you might assume that I would “fan girl” and it might look like that to the untrained eye.  

I think if I were lucky enough to meet either of my “Queens” I would just be very excited to meet two strong women who never back down from anything and show the World what a woman truly is in all forms good and bad. They are both REAL and I would hope that my REAL excitement to meet them would come off as that and not a fanatic.

Side note: I’m never going to meet them so that was literally a waste of words and a way to ostracize some of my dedicated readers. Good work, Bonesso. Solid! (exaggerated thumbs up)

Where was I going with my original statement?

I did not intend on writing a feminist rant. Well, not today at least…

Oh! Yeah! I remember!

I think I’m completely obsessed with a boy band. Again. I’m just not sure if they are technically considered a “boy band” but they are a band that consists of only two boys. Actually they are in their mid-20’s so I guess they are not “boys”. I’m obsessed with a man band.

“Aren’t ALL bands MAN bands?!!” asks the angry feminist living in my brain.

“LEAVE ME ALONE!” screams the prepubescent girl living in my brain.

I hardcore, completely love and can’t get enough of the band: 

Twenty One Pilots.

O.M.G!!!!!

I know they have been around for a while but their current album: Blurryface has taken them to International status. Like, legit. And these two dudes are based out of Columbus, Ohio which makes their story so much cooler.

Side note: The touring manager for Twenty One Pilots, his mom, is my Insurance Agent’s secretary.

HASH TAG SMALL A** WORLD

There is not a single song on Blurryface that I don’t like. Although I figure I should maybe pick out three tracks for you (non-fans) to check out to see if you have any interest.

Stressed Out - Is their current radio single that has been topping all the charts since before Christmas. You’ll know it if you listen to FM at all.

Ride - If you follow me on Twitter then you know that I have already predicted this track to be my “summer jam”. Past summer jams have included Justin Timberlake’s “Sexy Back” and OMC’s “How Bizarre”. So this song is in pretty good company, y’all. 

Lane Boy - Even though there are lyrics in this song that technically “call out” Kanye West and Beyonce (who are two of my favorite artists of all time)… The band also “calls out” themselves for having over produced tracks on Blurryface. (coughs) I’ll allow it.

Their previous album: Vessel is also very awesome. Three tracks from that I’ll suggest:

House of Gold - It reminds me of my love for my mom.

Car Radio - It’s more poetry than music but it’s both and it’s awesome.

Guns for Hands - Really good hook, really good lyrics, really good beat. Check it!

The two dudes in the band are Josh and Tyler. Josh plays drums and Tyler does everything else.

If I was forced to pick a favorite it would have to be Tyler but only because he seems very fragile (like me) and very crazy (like me) and very obsessed with all forms of art (like me). Basically… Tyler is my spirit animal.

But if  Tyler is the Michelangelo of Twenty One Pilots then Josh is Donatello. Meaning he is almost as awesome, but equally as important. Ya dig?

Also, as if I couldn’t love them any more, the band name was inspired by a play written by Arthur Miller called “All My Sons”.

Tyler is a theater geek, y’all. LIKE ME!

HASH TAG SPIRIT ANIMAL

“Excuse Me” (A Quick Look at an Old-Timey Phrase)

I have noticed that when I’m out in the real World (as opposed to the virtual World) that people don’t seem to use or understand the phrase, “Excuse me” anymore.

I didn't realize that it had become passé but when I try to use it in public people do not acknowledge it.

Example:

Scene: Market District Giant Eagle - Robinson Township, PA a random Saturday when the store is packed with people and a LIVE band. A woman in her late 40’s blocking the entire bread aisle with her giant grocery cart that is both a cart and a play vehicle for her kids. Gab (a child lady) who needs to buy grape jelly enters the scene.

Gab (unable to access the grape jelly) Excuse me.

WOMAN (oblivious to Gab’s voice) *silence*

Gab (unable to access the grape jelly or the woman’s ears) Excuse me.

WOMAN (man-handling bread while being blatantly irritated by her children) IF YOU DON’T SHUT UP YOU’RE NOT GETTING BREAD!

Gab (frightened by a mother who threatens to withhold bread from her children) Excuse me, I can’t reach the grape jelly because your cart toy is blocking the entire aisle. WOMAN (talking to her toddlers who occupy the cart toy) GET OUT OF THAT LADIE’S WAY!

Gab (Grabs jelly and runs away from the aisle.)

END SCENE

Now on the other side of this passé phrase are people who don’t seem to (1) know it or (2) how to use it when it is necessary.

Example:

Scene: Market District Giant Eagle - Robinson Township, PA a random Saturday when the store is packed with people and a LIVE band. Gab (a child lady) is examining pears to see if they are bruised and/or smelly. A man (in his late 30’s) also wants to look at pears. He body slams Gab out of his way without saying a word.

Gab (getting body slammed) Ouch! That was just my shoulder!

MAN (says nothing while grabbing pears in a masculine way) *silence*

Gab (Thinking really mean thoughts and wanting to physically hurt the man she walks away in utter disappointment. Disappointment in humanity and in herself for not standing up to the man. She walks over to the lemon section. Waits for the man to leave. And then goes back to smelling pears.)

END SCENE

Why don’t people use manners anymore? Why are people so self-obsessed that they can no longer feel human energy around them or human matter as they bump into it? Why are the words “please, thank you and excuse me” harder to find in the this World than diamonds? Why did I break my OWN cardinal rule: NEVER GO TO MARKET DISTRICT ON THE WEEKEND? Why? Why? Why?

I think the worst part of this whole blog is that while I went to Market District on both Saturday and Sunday of this past weekend I have to go again today.

Why?

I didn’t buy milk or bread or toilet paper.

Why?

BECAUSE PEOPLE WERE BLOCKING THE AISLES AND EVEN THOUGH I TRIED TO USE MY WORDS THEY DIDN’T ACKNOWLEDGE THEM!

Why am I typing in all caps?

Frustration, y’all.

HASH TAG FRUSTRATION NATION

Yesterday I listened to a radio interview with Pat Boone.

Prior to the interview the only fact that I knew about Pat Boone was that he was dead.

Obviously I knew nothing about Pat Boone.

The interview was being conducted by a DJ named Cousin Brucie and the sound quality was on par with ham radio. It sounded like it was being conducted in a tin can from a galaxy far, far away.

I was actually listening to the interview on my drive back from a gig in Uniontown and for about 30 minutes I was convinced that I travelled through a portal that took me back in time to the 1960s.

It wasn’t until I took the exit for Washington PA and saw a sign for Starbucks that I finally believed I was making my way back to 2016.

The interview was pretty interesting considering I literally knew nothing about Pat Boone.

Three Facts I Learned About Pat Boone:

1.) He’s alive. 2.) He thinks that hip-hop/rap is NOT music. He believes that it’s just poetry set to overproduced beats. He believes that music needs melodies and counter melodies and harmonies and white people. Okay. He didn’t say the white people part but Pat Boone sounded very “wonder bread” if you know what I mean.

(I actually have no idea what I mean. I just like the idea of describing an old, white artist as “wonder bread”.)



(Side note: I’m not actually sure if Pat Boone is white.)

(Second side note: I just “googled” Pat Boone. Dude is DEFINITELY white. Whoa. He’s also a “birther” who didn’t believe President Obama was eligible to be POTUS. Ugh. He also describes liberalism as, “Cancer/black filthy cells”. Nice, Pat. Real nice. His views on gay rights/gay marriage are so awful that I won’t even repeat it for you, my dear readers.)

3.) Pat Boone hates the F-word. (The four letter F-word.) He thinks that people who use that word have no respect for humanity, morals or class.

Yo Pat! After reading up on you, man… I don’t think you should judge anyone’s morals, humanity or class.  You spent your career making money covering other people’s music, editing out “tasteless words” so you could capitalize on Little Richard’s writing because you were more palatable to middle American audiences. DUDE! You were KIDZ BOP before KIDZ BOP existed. How is that making music? How are you more of an artist than Kanye West?

I should not have researched him. I actually enjoyed the interview of a sweet, old musician who doesn't like swears and loves his wife of 60 years.

I mean… I kind of wondered if he was a racist… Hence my “wonder bread” comment earlier… (sigh). I’m very disappointed. 

Bottom line: Time travel is not as cool as I thought it would be. It’s actually a lot like the show: Quantum Leap. It was fun at first but I was crying by the end.

Speaking of time-travel, its THROWBACK THURSDAY!

Here are two pictures of my childhood that if taken out of context would cause you to believe that I was raised in a Burt Reynolds movie.

Random Person

Hey Gab! Where did you grow up?

Gab

Cannonball Run.

Random Person

Neat.

End Scene.

Yo, yo, yo!

I know it’s been a hot minute since I last blogged, but you guys… I had a lot of shows last week including the premiere performance of Child Lady at Arcade Comedy Theater (sound cue: massive applause, cheering and fireworks).

I want to thank Arcade Comedy Theater, Michael Buzzelli, Josh Verbanets, Phineas (the Shark) and every single person who attended the show.  I knew that gearing a comedy show to all-ages might be a risk, but it was a risk that paid off and that’s thanks (in a PBS-style voice) to members like you.

On Sunday I went over to my sister’s house and we made felagones.

Felagones are an Italian, savory pie that my family has made for generations. It’s a dish that we make every year during Lent. To be honest it’s a dish that my mother was famous for making. She once made them for both Lidia Bastianach and WQED’s Rick Sebak. Both Lidia and Rick agreed… My mom’s felagones were out of this World!

My sister and I have each only made them once on our own without our mom’s help so we were pretty nervous about trying it this year without her.

Naturally I lost my recipe (it’s somewhere in my madhouse of a bedroom), but my sister had her recipe (although crucial elements were missing like how long to actually bake them for and other important deets).

So yeah.

Sunday was our practice round and I actually think we did a pretty good job.  

We were missing something with the dough though…

This mystery has caused me rummage through my bedroom like a madwoman for the past two days frantically looking for my recipe.

I was sure that I kept my felagone recipe in one of my favorite books that I reread every year.

Nope.

I was sure that it had to be in one the hundreds of notebooks that I have saved since middle school.

Nope.

Maybe I put it with my birth certificate and passport...

Nope.

I did find, however, a hand-written skit about me and Mrs Palfrey and Air Jordan tennis shoes (from 2011) which I am going to present to you now in lieu of a felagone recipe. Gosh! My mama’s proud. (NOT)

PUMPED UP KICKS (Not a Felagone Recipe) by: Gab Bonesso

Scene: Gab looks sad and she’s holding a catalogue.

Mrs. Palfrey

What’s Wrong?

Gab

Oh nothing. It’s just there’s a pair of shoes in here that I want, but they are $100 and the store won’t accept my mom’s old voided checks. (sigh) Capitalism.

Mrs Palfrey

Give me the catalogue.

Gab

Okay.

Mrs. Palfrey

Give me your phone.

Gab

Okay.

Mrs. Palfrey

Give me your gun.

Gab

Okay?

(Mrs. Palfrey makes a phone call.)

Mrs. Palfrey

Hello. This is Sarah Palfrey from the Claremont. My contemporary just phoned inquiring about Air Jordans and voided checks. (pause) Yes, I understand. (pause) Yes, I very much understand. (pause) Yes. (pause) Yes. (pause) Yes. But… My good man if I may (awkward pause) My mistake. My good lady if I may… (pause) Miss? (pause) Please don’t raise your voice because I will raise mine. (pause) Excuse me? Excuse YOU! I don’t think you understand what I am trying to say GOOD SIR! (pause) I know you’re a woman, but I don’t care. I just don’t think you’re hearing me… I have a gun and it’s FULL OF BULLETS. Hello? Hello? Hello?

Gab

What were you thinking? They are going to put you on a Federal Watch List!

Mrs. Palfrey (suddenly smoking a cigarette) No they won’t.

Gab

Really? You just threatened strangers with a gun! That’s actually illegal.

Mrs. Palfrey

I might be from England but I know my rights! Freedom of speech and the right to bear arms!

Gab

No. That’s not what you did. You physically threatened people. That’s illegal. You’re going to jail.

Mrs. Palfrey

I know I’m not going to jail. (1) I used your phone. (2) I’m imaginary.

Gab

Oh no…

Mrs. Palfrey

Oh yes…

(Gab looks directly into the camera while the 60 minutes clock blares in the background and Foster the People’s “Pumped up Kicks” plays.)

The end.

“Believe in yourself my darlings! No one will love you more than you. Except your mom!” - Gab Bonesso Fictional M.D.

Howdy Readers!

(Note: I type,“readers” not “reader” now. THERAPY IS WORKING!)

I had a FAN-TAB-YOU-LUSH weekend y’all.

After 5,000 years (I’m not really great at math) I finally got to see my absolute, favorite, professional basketball team play LIVE in the flesh. Oh that’s right.

I saw the CELTICS, SUCKAHS!!!!

(Note: I type, “SUCKAHS” not “SUCKAH” now. THERAPY IS WORKING.)

It was amazing. I seriously cried when the game started because seeing the Celtics play has been on my bucket list since I was 8 years old.

True story.

In fact for my 8th birthday I begged my family for an official Celtics jacket as my “big present”. We were really poor when I was 8 and it was actually a difficult item for my parents to pull-off, but in their magical Beanie/Starr way they didn’t disappoint me. Disappointing their off-spring was not in their DNA… It was one of their mutant super powers.

I was so excited when I opened up my present that I immediately put on the jacket and did a dance for everyone at my party.

Yes, I’m holding a baton.

No, I have no clue where that prop was found.

I got to go to the game because my brother Nick bought me the tickets as my Christmas present this year.

Not to be a broken record, but 2015 was definitely a tragic year for my family. Losing our Queen (four months ago today) has been unbearable. Watching her suffer from a botched surgery that eventually killed her has made us all realize that time is of the essence. I am so appreciative to Nick for doing this and making sure I lived out a dream that I have had since childhood.

Thanks Nin. I love you.

Nick bought four tickets so Kendra and Beth joined us which was really fun. I think it was Kendra’s first Pro Basketball game too. Beth (or as you and I call her “Minnie”) goes to see the Cavaliers play every year. Not to sound like a broken record, but if Minnie hadn’t blown out her knee in high school she would have played in the WNBA, suckahs!

HASH TAG FACT

Anyway… All this inside baseball talk is to get to the point that I was so happy that my best friend was with me for this moment. I can’t tell you how many games of one-on-one I have played with Bethany Markle in my lifetime but I would guess more than 500 times. I’m telling you, this fulfilled a bucket list item on SO many levels.

I should also mention that it was also equally awesome to see the Cleveland Cavaliers play. Holy God is LeBron James the greatest player since Larry Bird.  It was a dream watching him play too.

I mean… Did I regret wearing a Celtics jacket into the Quicken Loans Arena?

HELL NAH BRAH.

I bleed GREEN SHAMROCKS.

I mean… Was it awkward when we went through the very first toll booth into Ohio and the toll worker said, “Seriously? A celtics jacket?!!!” and I responded with, “YEAH. I’m going to go see the Celtics play tonight. Oh yeah. The Cavs are going to be there too!”

HASH TAG OOPS.

Yeah… Nick and I got a little crap for wearing our gear, but at the end of the day…

“We saved LATIN. What did you ever do?”