Sketch Recipe
Yo, yo, yo!
I know it’s been a hot minute since I last blogged, but you guys… I had a lot of shows last week including the premiere performance of Child Lady at Arcade Comedy Theater (sound cue: massive applause, cheering and fireworks).
I want to thank Arcade Comedy Theater, Michael Buzzelli, Josh Verbanets, Phineas (the Shark) and every single person who attended the show.  I knew that gearing a comedy show to all-ages might be a risk, but it was a risk that paid off and that’s thanks (in a PBS-style voice) to members like you.
On Sunday I went over to my sister’s house and we made felagones.
Felagones are an Italian, savory pie that my family has made for generations. It’s a dish that we make every year during Lent. To be honest it’s a dish that my mother was famous for making. She once made them for both Lidia Bastianach and WQED’s Rick Sebak. Both Lidia and Rick agreed… My mom’s felagones were out of this World!
My sister and I have each only made them once on our own without our mom’s help so we were pretty nervous about trying it this year without her.
Naturally I lost my recipe (it’s somewhere in my madhouse of a bedroom), but my sister had her recipe (although crucial elements were missing like how long to actually bake them for and other important deets).
So yeah.
Sunday was our practice round and I actually think we did a pretty good job. Â
We were missing something with the dough though…
This mystery has caused me rummage through my bedroom like a madwoman for the past two days frantically looking for my recipe.
I was sure that I kept my felagone recipe in one of my favorite books that I reread every year.
Nope.
I was sure that it had to be in one the hundreds of notebooks that I have saved since middle school.
Nope.
Maybe I put it with my birth certificate and passport...
Nope.
I did find, however, a hand-written skit about me and Mrs Palfrey and Air Jordan tennis shoes (from 2011) which I am going to present to you now in lieu of a felagone recipe. Gosh! My mama’s proud. (NOT)
PUMPED UP KICKS (Not a Felagone Recipe) by: Gab Bonesso
Scene: Gab looks sad and she’s holding a catalogue.
Mrs. Palfrey
What’s Wrong?
Gab
Oh nothing. It’s just there’s a pair of shoes in here that I want, but they are $100 and the store won’t accept my mom’s old voided checks. (sigh) Capitalism.
Mrs Palfrey
Give me the catalogue.
Gab
Okay.
Mrs. Palfrey
Give me your phone.
Gab
Okay.
Mrs. Palfrey
Give me your gun.
Gab
Okay?
(Mrs. Palfrey makes a phone call.)
Mrs. Palfrey
Hello. This is Sarah Palfrey from the Claremont. My contemporary just phoned inquiring about Air Jordans and voided checks. (pause) Yes, I understand. (pause) Yes, I very much understand. (pause) Yes. (pause) Yes. (pause) Yes. But… My good man if I may (awkward pause) My mistake. My good lady if I may… (pause) Miss? (pause) Please don’t raise your voice because I will raise mine. (pause) Excuse me? Excuse YOU! I don’t think you understand what I am trying to say GOOD SIR! (pause) I know you’re a woman, but I don’t care. I just don’t think you’re hearing me… I have a gun and it’s FULL OF BULLETS. Hello? Hello? Hello?
Gab
What were you thinking? They are going to put you on a Federal Watch List!
Mrs. Palfrey (suddenly smoking a cigarette) No they won’t.
Gab
Really? You just threatened strangers with a gun! That’s actually illegal.
Mrs. Palfrey
I might be from England but I know my rights! Freedom of speech and the right to bear arms!
Gab
No. That’s not what you did. You physically threatened people. That’s illegal. You’re going to jail.
Mrs. Palfrey
I know I’m not going to jail. (1) I used your phone. (2) I’m imaginary.
Gab
Oh no…
Mrs. Palfrey
Oh yes…
(Gab looks directly into the camera while the 60 minutes clock blares in the background and Foster the People’s “Pumped up Kicks” plays.)
The end.
“Believe in yourself my darlings! No one will love you more than you. Except your mom!” - Gab Bonesso Fictional M.D.
