Eddie putting Buck in his will in the context of Eddie begins makes me want to lie down on the floor. The flashbacks show us that Eddie has a real problem committing to things when someone else can hold him responsible for his faults. He can’t commit to being a husband, or a father, until he literally has no choice. Now, he’ll hold himself responsible until the sun goes supernova, obviously, but he can’t stomach the idea of sharing the burden (martyr complex hello) and possibly someone bearing witness to his fuck ups.
But the will. The will is committing to Buck. Specifically, it’s committing his failure as a father to Buck. Buck gets Chris if Eddie dies—never mind that they’re partners on the job, that if Eddie dies and Buck doesn’t, it’ll haunt him for the rest of his life—that’s Eddie’s failure to bear. And he’s letting Buck see it. Buck sees at as the ultimate gesture of trust that it is, but it’s not just Eddie making sure Chris will have the best care, it’s Eddie saying: you get to see the aftermath. I’ll let you be around when I fail. I’ll let you pick up the pieces.
And then Buck does, and Eddie doesn’t even have to die for it.
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feeling tender about the way Buddie approach each other's relationship with their parents.
Eddie doesn't try to get mad on Buck's behalf when Buck was venting after the disastrous dinner in s4, he doesn't add fuel to the already frantic frustration that Buck was feeling, but he does stay grounded that Buck doesn't need to apologize for speaking his feelings and truth to his parents. then when the Daniel reveal is done, Eddie once again says it's not Buck's fault that his parents decided what they did, but only after Buck shares that it's how he feels. and when the Buckley parents do come to the firehouse, it's implied that he told them good things about Buck (along with the team) but also waited to give Buck a heads-up so he could take a minute to decide what he wanted to do next. it's all simple and clear, and it's important that at no point was Eddie stirring Buck up more because he didn't need that. Buck didn't need someone to get mad on his behalf, in this scenario, Maddie already had that handled against their parents. what he needed was a place safe where he could pour out his frustrations and feelings and have some perimeter so it didn't flow out in a way he could gather himself back. Eddie becomes the calm shore that reminds Buck that the only option isn't a stormy sea.
In contrast, Eddie didn't have anyone getting mad on his behalf in s8. he was accepting forced calm as the only option, and Buck reminded him of the courage he needed to swim back out. because Buck doesn't tell Eddie not to be scared when Eddie talks about not having the job secured or Chris finding out about the Uber or missing out the chess tournament or the doubt of his cooking matching his mom's. instead, he tells him to do what he went there to do, go after what he actually wants, because courage isn't the absence of fear after all. it's choosing something above it. whether it's telling Eddie to Dad Up, assuring that a slow cooker recipe won't fail, laying out the facts that being able to face the consequences is less of a nightmare than Chris leaving, or challenging Eddie's parents' notion of not wanting to disrupt. do the damage and take the risk, Buck says, because Buck believes in Eddie's ability to figure it out once he meets the fear head-on. he doesn't just listen and sigh alongside Eddie, doesn't nod along and say he understands the dilemma. he offers action, tangible and unavoidable truth like a line back onto the ship that Eddie was doubting he'd drag down. Buck becomes the unrelenting wave that reminds Eddie that his ship just needed him to steer again.
buckley-diaz family camping trip where theo wants to make s'mores so so so bad. buck is a bit hesitant bc he knows the emotional baggage of it all and eddie looks at chris who shrugs and looks away. they end up bringing all the stuff and theo tries to roast a bunch of marshmallows but they keep falling off his stick and into the fire and buck and eddie keep having to grab him before he sticks his hand into the fire to catch them. he's getting more and more upset but refuses to let anyone help and the adults are kind of flailing and after a few rounds they just hear a little snicker and see chris putting a marshmallow on a stick and going 'hey theo, watch this' and making a perfectly roasted marshmallow. theo crawls over to him all sooty and curls up beside him smudging christopher's jeans with dirt as he watches with huge eyes. when chris is done he hesitates and looks at theo for a long time before going 'hey did you know that i can make the best s'mores ever?' and theo believes chris because it's chris and chris is a Big Kid and Cool. and theo goes 'WOAH' and chris doesn't look at eddie who's tearing up a little or buck who has a hand on eddie's knee and is trying very hard to be normal about it all while he says 'yeah. my mom taught me.' and he makes theo a s'more and theo insists on making HIM a s'more and when they get home there's a new picture on eddie's mantle beside the one with shannon and her boys on the beach with chris and theo, faces sticky and smudged with chocolate, grinning at each other like they're having the time of their lives.
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i swear 2god i'm gonna end up posting this whole story to tumblr before it makes it to ao3 lmao
(also, to everyone who commented or added notes to the last one, this is for you--you have no idea how much your excitement and enthusiasm means to me!! i'm writing because of you xo)
---
"You okay?" Eddie's looking at Buck from just underneath his eyelashes and, if Buck didn't know any better, he'd say it was somewhere in the neighborhood of flirting.
But he does. And it can't be. So it isn't.
"Yeah," Buck says, probably a little too loudly, probably a little too close to Eddie's ear as he leans in over the noise. His forehead hits the side of Eddie's cowboy hat, a little stiffer than he'd expected.
The song shifts again, something twangy with a beat that gets Eddie's hips moving, and he squeezes Buck's hand.
What else is he supposed to do but squeeze back.
But when Eddie uses the hand on his ribs to pull Buck in closer, Buck's big feet trip over nothing and they crash together, in a sweet, meet-cute way that Buck couldn't have designed any better himself.
Except he crashes a little into the sharp ridge of Eddie's Stetson.
"Whoa there, cowboy," Eddie says, tilting his temple against Buck's. His hand has moved from the side of his ribs to his back, Eddie's enormous hand spread wide, and Buck's blood is everywhere all at once. "Careful there."
Buck can feel the heat pouring off of Eddie, like he's standing too close to a space heater or an open oven, and he knows if he steps closer it'll burn, but he can't bring himself to care. "Told you I'd step on you."
"I took that risk," Eddie says, "I'm okay with it."
---
ghost tagging my whole beautiful dash, but also specifically @soupfic because i NEEEEEEEEEEED more of that threesome fic <3
hen tilts her head at him, putting down the child-sized slide in his backyard. "a bit late for that, buckaroo," she says. "you can't return a kid the same way you can return backyard toys."
buck looks at her with a kind of wild look in his eyes, a sort of how the hell did i get myself into this that makes hen's heart twinge, just a little.
"no, i--" he hesitates, looking around. the backyard, with the weights taken off to the side, replaced with an inflatable pool and a swing set and all manner of children's toys. "i mean, i just-- it feels unfair, that it's me."
hen leans her hip on the fence, watching him. there's a sort of frantic energy to him that has clung to the edges of his eyes ever since the hospital, the elevator, his pants soaked in eddie's blood as he held his hand. or maybe before that, when hen had shaken her head at eddie over a set of crumpled bodies and then followed his gaze to buck's hands wrapped around a small figure, holding him like he doesn't know what else to do.
"it's unfair that it's not them," hen acknowledges. "but they mentioned you in their will, didn't they? they trusted you."
buck snorts. "yeah," he says, then, in a lower voice-- "if i had a nickel for every time..." hen, wisely, decides not to pursue that. "but they weren't actually gonna let me-- if it weren't for the fact that there was nobody else--"
"but there was nobody else," hen interrupts him, because she can see the spiral beginning in his throat. "so it's you."
"how did you and karen know?" buck asks her. "that you could-- that you were ready?"
hen thinks about her baby, her babies, both the ones that are with her now and the ones that aren't. the long nights, the research, the talks that ended in tears or furious whispers or distances that felt too far to breach, sometimes. sometimes she looks at denny and thinks about what a miracle it is that he's here. sometimes she looks at mara and wonders at her own selfishness, for being so glad to have her, even though it meant so much suffering had to happen.
she looks at buck, and says: "we didn't. we decided that we wanted to build this life, that's all. the ready part comes afterwards."
buck absorbs that, and she can see the little furrow of his brows that means that he's carving her words onto his heart. he comes over next to her, leaning on the fence close, shoes knocking together. he leans his curls on her shoulder, shuffling down to fit. she lets him, because he was once this lanky kid who watched her put an iv in like she was pure magic, and the awe has never quite left his eyes when he looks at her.
"i feel like-- i was ready to let go, you know?" he murmurs, voice soft between them. "like you said: donor, not dad."
hen nods, cheek brushing against his curls. she remembers that conversation, the satisfaction of being able to focus on his problems, to provide a solution that she didn't have in her life, back then. she should've known that life would turn out far stranger and more complicated than her pithy phrase.
"and now you might be both," she finishes his thought.
a long exhale. "and now i might be both."
when harry had called buck theo's dad, hen had been the only one to correct him-- his biological father. she had remembered that conversation, then. how hesitant buck had been. her own reservations.
"do you want to be both?" she asks, because that part is important, too.
"yes-- no--" buck shakes his head. "i don't know."
hen thinks about buck bringing theo down from the electrical tower. he'd been charmed by theo, but only in the same way all of them were, only in the easy way buck connected to any kid on a call. it wasn't an instant connection or a biological imperative, just buck being buck, empathizing with a kid a little too hard, loving a little too easily.
love, for hen, has always been series of choices. sometimes easy, sometimes difficult. it's the nature of existing the way she does, in the world that she has to navigate. she's had years to come to terms with it. buck doesn't quite have that kind of time.
"that's okay," she says, still. "you don't have to know right now. this isn't-- it doesn't have to be permanent."
"i don't want to make the wrong choice," buck says, quietly. "i don't want him to ever-- feel like i did. unchosen."
hen nudges him with her elbow, making him wiggle a little. "you won't," she says, confident. "you know why?"
buck raises his head a little to look at her, all little-kid curiosity. she smiles.
"because there's only one thing you have to do to not mess this up," she says. "and you're there already."
buck blinks at her. "doing all the paperwork properly?"
hen laughs. shoves him a little, looks over all the things that buck has prepared for a little boy he'd been ready to let go of, if that's what he needed.
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chimney put so much effort in getting henren together and keeping them together that i think hen and karen always pull one flower out of the boquets they gift each other for their anniversaries and give it to chim. it was a joke the first time but then it because a tradition.
“Alright,” Eddie shrugs, laissez-faire. He pulls Buck’s plate to the center of the table; pushes his own forward in kind. Then he begins a drawn-out circus routine of plucking an olive at a time up and out of the bowl and plopping them onto their respective dishes, one by one.
The delicate, repetitive movement of Eddie’s pinched fingers reminds Buck of picking the petals off of flowers. He loves me. He loves me not. He love—
An olive hits him square in the forehead.
“There,” Eddie says, resolute, as the pitted projectile tumbles to the ground at Buck’s feet. “Equal treatment.”
or
Buck, Eddie, and the olive theory. Well, in theory.
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hurting myself and keeping myself alive by thinking about platonically married buddie rommates raising their two kids together. camped out at the dining table discussing the meal plan for the week. them trying to figure out who’s going to drive theo to soccer practice on wednesday and who’s picking chris up from his robotics workshop on thursday. very seriously wondering if they should adopt a cat or a dog in-between sips of lukewarm coffee. eddie’s hand high up on buck’s thigh and buck playing with eddie’s fingers instead of filling out their whiteboard weekly planner. just platonic stuff like that
damn those firefighters are gay @buckaronis - Tumblr Blog | Tumlook
