They Used To Call Me Bubbles

NJ is my sugar-free jello. He is, quite possibly, the most bland person I have ever met. He’s not offensive, he’s not exciting. He puts NO pressure on me, he shows up when he says he will, and he barely talks. He’s unbuttered toast and bananas.

I was out with friends last night and decided last minute to invite NJ. I kind of wanted their opinion of him, plus I wanted to get laid.

He showed up at the bar at nine, we had some drinks and then went to my place. By the time we were finished, it was midnight, so I decided to ask him to sleep over. I don’t sleep well with other people. KD and I stopped sharing a bed over ten years ago. But I knew I didn’t have work today and figured it was a good time to try.

Well, it went as expected, I didn’t sleep well, we were up at 6:00, and had coffee and he left. But since he was here, I didn’t check my phone and I missed a text at 4am from my boss!!! Someone had called out for today. She was looking for coverage, but by the time I checked my phone at 6:00, she’d found someone.

I’m so annoyed! If he hadn’t been here, I would’ve definitely checked my phone one of the many times I get up to pee, and I could’ve worked today for double pay since it was call back 😡😡 that’s a $500 shift and since it’s Saturday, it would have been easy money.

I just got here and I’m legit having a panic attack. There are too many shitty awful memories here. I don’t want to be here. I don’t belong here anymore.

How do you go from talking to someone every day for almost thirty years - knowing every intimate about them - being best friends - to just….nothing.

Where does the love go? Does it really go away or does it just go somewhere else? Is it like water, it just transforms into a different state like steam or ice, or a stream that diverts to a different path?

I think energy can’t really be created or destroyed, it just changes form - so is love the same way?

I miss the updates - sending texts and memes throughout the day to keep the other person in the loop. I really miss the couple’s debriefings - on the drive home from work, or at night - sitting with my feet in his lap as we talked over the day. Where did you guys go to breakfast? What this patient said to me. What your boss told you about HIS boss. Oh Mom called, she has an appointment coming up. Got the plane tickets for our trip in November. H got his report card, he pulled his Spanish grade up to a B. I felt sad when my coworker left me out of the group lunch order. I felt annoyed when the exam room wasn’t restocked. I enjoyed a new song I heard. I’m excited to see my brother this weekend.

Just…the stuff. All the tiny little parts that make up a day, make up LIFE - sharing that with someone and someone sharing that with you and the KNOWING someone, the intimacy of knowing. Knowing how someone takes their coffee, knowing someone’s favorite snacks, knowing which coworker pisses them off, knowing they had a good day if their friendly coworker was there. Knowing someone. Sharing with someone.

When I really started to get worried about TG, was when I found out that they were having daily conversations. When I looked at his phone history and they would have talked for two hours. Multiple times a week. What do you have to talk to someone about for two hours? That’s intimacy. Who is the first person you say good morning to? Who’s is the last person you speak to at night? Who do you share your life with?