I Love you.

Once my friend Henry was accused of wearing wireless headphones by a substitute so she said for him to hand them over so he took them off and handed them to her. Then later on she asked him a question and he didn’t respond so she said it louder and he still didn’t respond. She asked why he was not responding and he said “I can’t understand you ma'am, you took my hearing aids.”

HOLY SHIT

Reblogging this post yet again, this time for the masterpiece of satirical genius. Hope the teacher got in trouble.

Mama didn’t raise a quitter but she did raise a homosexual and and an idiot

not to be a lesbian on main but I want to be in the Old West and make meals for the cowhands when they come home and when the toughest most badass cowgirl comes to grab her serving I look at her calloused hands and see a deep gash so I immediately go bandage her up even though she protests it’s just a scratch and I rip off some of my petticoat to make a bandage and she looks away blushing and as I tie it firmly around the wound I tell her she has to be more careful because it would be a damn shame to lose those hands of hers around here and she blushes again but she maintains eye contact this time and keeps her hand in mine and softly says “yes ma’am”

A bowl cut is a 360° bang

the fuck is a resume bitch give me the job

This is the best post I’ve ever seen!!

BEANS

wtf?

Apparently HORG is widely appreciated by pediatricians since knowing exactly what kind of Occlupanid a child may have swallowed makes removing it safely much easier

HOLY SHIT HORG IS BACK ON MY DASH!!! Also I’m so glad that they help pediatricians, that’s very nice.

*smacking noise*

clingy and annoying doesn’t bother me when it’s from the right person, i literally do not mind if my boyfriend sends me a picture of a car he likes at 3am even if I’m not really into cars, his first thought was ‘i know imma send that to my girlfriend’ and yes i love that shit

The difference between good clingy and bad clingy in giving affection vs demanding it.

in 12th grade engineering class our army vet teacher made us sign up for the draft

I literally got a phone call from one of these scumbags when I was in HS and I politely told him I’m not interested and that I’d be going to college in the fall and he legit said, “Wow, I’d hate to be such a burden on my parents like that, if you join the army we’d help you pay for school.” And I was just like nahhhh my parents would prefer me in college and hung up

acorns and mushrooms i think are the most important life forms on this bitch of an earth be cause they got little hats send tweet

i see an acorn & im like thats baby. i see a mush room & im like Thats god