oh look a fairy!

emerges from a phone app covered in blood. new rusty lake game. its real good.

Love William's characterization in Servant of the Lake because it makes it really funny that Laura turned out so chill all things considered. Your previous incarnation got shitfaced on champagne in the middle of the night on the reg and got so pissed about a missing book that they threw an entire solid wood dresser out of a window about it (Amongst other things), and you are a depressed woman in the late 60s/early 70s who briefly dated a guy that worked at a bird food factory.

can't believe the only options are 30 minutes early or 10 minutes late. if only there were some other way. but what can you do

at some point in your life you will be boiling fruit, water, sugar, and lemon juice in a pot to make a syrup or jam. the instructions will tell you to simmer for a certain amt of time. your timer will go off and you will look at the pot and go, "hm, this doesn't look thick enough. maybe i'll let it go for another 10 minutes." this is the devil speaking. it's only so liquid right now because it is at boiling point. it will thicken when it cools down. learn from the follies of my youth and do not let this happen to you

at some point in your life you will be making a sauce or a stew in which you need to add cornstarch to thicken it. and you will prepare a slurry of starch in cold water and think "this looks like way too little starch to thicken this amount of liquid." this is the devil speaking. cornstarch instantly polymerizes at 95°C and if you add too much it will turn into an impossibly thick goop.

at some point in your life you will be making some sort of cream based dessert that requires gelatin to thicken it. and you will soak some gelatin sheets in water and think "this is too few gelatin sheets for this amount of cream." this is the devil speaking. it will thicken in the fridge and if you add too much you will end up with milk jelly

at some point in your life you will be baking cookies. you will take the sheet out after twelve minutes as the recipe instructs and the cookies will still be glistening and soft. "these don't seem cooked enough," you will think to yourself, "i should place them back into the oven until their edges are nice and golden." this is the devil talking. this is how you get dry, overdone cookies. the cookies will continue to bake on the warm sheet for several more minutes and then harden up after sitting on a rack for a while. trust the process. trust the process.

at some point in your life you will be adding a small pasta to a soup and you will think "that is not enough small pasta." this is the devil talking. the pasta will absorb the stock and expand. this is how you end up with a soup that is a solid mass of soggy ditalini.

At some point in your life you will be adding garlic to a dish and you will think "that is not enough garlic." These are angels speaking. They are correct. Add more garlic.

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and what if I told you guys that virtually everyone you ever meet will turn out to be really interesting if you give them a chance

some real miserable fucks in the notes I fear

I'm not even saying you have to talk to every single person you meet. and you're certainly not going to LIKE all of them. but every person does have a rich interior life and complex feelings and unique worldview. sorry.

this is truly one of the most tumblr posts i've ever seen. i know chronically online people exist in all corners of the internet but i feel like this is the only place where someone could say something as uncontroversial as "you will find out that people have personalities when you talk to them" and get responses like "oh so you're making the ABLEIST assertion that i should FORCE MYSELF to push past my SOCIAL ANXIETY to talk to BIGOTS????" amazing work, guys

‘Tis the season again

The pine tree will provide nourishment for him as he slumbers in his nylon cocoon, ready to emerge next winter and rebuild his christmas tree hoard. Nature is so beautiful!

I thought it was a wood chipper for one horrible second

We bought our Christmas tree off this old lad with a country Irish accent and jokingly I asked if he ever put anyone through it and he was like “ah yea, I put kids through it all the time. They have a great laugh! Bail em up and then we put em in the car wrapped up and all, laughing the whole way, delighted with themselves. It’s great!!”

@elodieunderglass please enjoy this horrible thing with legs that I just saw

So charming, dont mind if i do!!