or this

and instead of admiring them the ghosts of my protestant ancestors possess me and I think shit like ‘well that’s just a little too much’

my ancestor Pain Wilhelmina Smith wacks a stick around my brain like ‘you like that Catholic shit? you gonna pay indulgences for that, huh? punk? get yee to a single room log cabin and PRAY’

actually, I’m sorry to admit this, but I actually mis-remembered the name of the ancestor I was thinking of

Tony: Steve. Steve it’s been 2 hours. Steve please stop laughing.

Steve:

Tony, crying: Steve please what the Fuck does your card say

Steve’s cards:

By someone who works at one. 

Please don’t leave glass items on your loved one’s grave. I understand the urge, really I do. But those vases/picture frames/beer bottles/fancy solar lights/etc are gonna break eventually, and be a pain in the ass for everyone involved. 

Different cemeteries have different regulations when it comes to what’s allowed in the park and what’s not, and some are more lenient than others about enforcing those regulations. If you’re not sure, ask someone who works there.

If you put up tiny plastic fences and solar lights and garden decorations around your loved one’s space it will probably be removed at some point bc y’all… The grounds crew needs to mow the grass. And some of that stuff is probably technically against the rules anyways, but everyone’s trying to be nice about it. 

Do not sit on or lean against any of the markers or memorials. They may all be made of granite, but the upright ones will flop right over if you push them hard enough, and if the ground is wet the flats will sink into the dirt. Also it’s fucking rude. If someone sees you sitting on their mom’s headstone, they might just kick your ass. 

Decorations around a grave will be removed if they are broken, or if a grave side service/ burial is going to take place nearby. We do need to bring heavy machinery in to dig graves, and for outside services there are also tents and chairs laid out. If you notice the decorations have been disturbed, it’s probably not vandalism BUT if you’re not sure, it never hurts to ask. 

I personally don’t care if you want to place food or drink on your loved one’s grave. It’s very common. But if you complain about ants all over the headstone, and I go out to see that it’s because you left a whole ass packet of oreos and an open six pack of corona, I’m not gonna be impressed or happy. Like I’ll be nice about it, but I will think you’re a dumbass. 

If the cemetery allows you to bring pets into the park, that’s great. That’s chill. Please pick up after them. No one likes to see a big pile of dog shit in the middle of the cremation garden. 

Do not fuck in the cemetery. I swear to fucking god. Don’t even make out in the cemetery. You shouldn’t be doing that shit in public anyways. I don’t care about your morbid goth fetish. Some grandma is going to see you getting frisky next to her son’s grave, and beat you to death with her purse and the ten pounds of silk floral arrangements she brought to place there.