loveable but wayward and wrong-headed

The skills Aerin develops largely post Nírnaeth are mostly not ones she is proud of. She was an earnest, open person before the Nírnaeth and the occupation but afterwards she becomes skilled at concealing; emotion, intent, information, even materials and supplies. Over the years she becomes very very good at this. The knowledge she bears is painful as are the skills she must master for herself and others.

She also becomes highly adept at masking her anger and letting it become something else. I’ve talked a lot about how anger (at one’s situation, one’s abusers, etc) being taken from you is such a damaging aspect of long term trauma, whether that’s in Angband or in a location like post Nírnaeth Hithlum. Visible anger is often completely unsafe; it is punished, suppressed or at best completely ignored, dismissed or mocked. It can be very easy to internalize a lot of hurt about one’s situation and one’s feelings when there is no way to express that what is happening is wrong, even to express it for it’s own sake Anger at Brodda feels like despair much of the time.

Sometimes it can spur Aerin to defiance (whether obvious, like bringing food to Morwen, or more quiet, like showing kindness to the downtrodden she is supposed to let suffer*) but often it can do nothing. I think Aerin even more than others, “as a wife and not a slave” is required to act as though her situation is not what it is (I talked about this some here). She gets very very good at it (though of course Brodda’s standards are inconsistent and impossible) and the toll it takes is devastating

She is controlled in her countenance and words as much as her actions, forced to act even more than others that what is happening isn’t actually what is happening. I think in some areas this is more the case than others, I think Brodda is often as inconsistent in his expectations as he is unfair.

And it’s traumatic in itself that, no matter how much Aerin may hate and fear Brodda, she has to know him on such a personal level; she has to learn his habits and moods and preferences because she has to, the alternative is dangerous. This is definitely something I want to work more with but the effect it has on her is profound. Just thinking about the level of very unwanted casual intimacy, in addition to the forced intimacy on so many other levels

Aerin is highly aware of the thoughts and emotions of others.

After the Nírnaeth of course this takes on new meaning for her. She has to be acutely aware of the emotions, preferences, and thoughts of a violent man and the consequences for disregarding them, intentionally or otherwise, can be incredibly dangerous.

Her emotional abilities become another tool of survival for her and there are times she detests herself for this. She is forced to manipulate the role she has herself been forced into.

I talked about here among other places like here and here about how painful this is in itself; her intimate knowledge of Brodda and his habits, preferences, moods and whims, it’s a knowledge that she has never wanted and is also essential for her survival

It’s not just him of course. Her position is incredibly precarious and she must be aware of so many people; Brodda’s lords, other incomers, her own kin. It’s a balance on the edge of a knife

The effects are exhausting and the use of her inherent empathy and sensitivity, which is considerable, as a constant tool of survival, is another way that her abuser has control and influence over her identity

I guess this last part isn’t really relevant but I wanted to talk about it