Wander cloud

I am Wander cloud and, yes you are absolutely right that is not my real government name but, as for now I would like to create a safe space for myself to write about things I want to write about, and I believe that that is most achievable when remaining anonymous. This doesn’t mean I wont share stories about as an example: my life, gender (which I identify as a female so my pronounce are she/her), my religion (which I might write about later). In the contrary I prefer to write about all that!

Shortly said, I prefer to stay anonymous because that’s where I feel the most comfortable. Now that I’m writing this out it might create the opposite effect as I would like to achieve but I want to be the most honest that I can.

Some (fun) facts about myself:

My name is Wander cloud

I am born and raised in the Netherlands

I am a 25 year old female

I love the colours green and blue

I have a cat and her name is Beau

In my daily life, I’m currently immersed in the world of academia, pursuing studies related to marine management

My main hobby is reading, the book I’m reading at this moment is to kill a mockingbird

My goal for 2024 is to rewire my brain, be more present in the moment and to get a better understanding of my ADHD brain

This is my first ever attempt to write on a public platform so I would like to ask you to stay kind and patient as possible :D I’m open to tips and tricks in terms of bettering my writing skills!

Job hunting with ADHD is… a rollercoaster. 🎢 One moment you’re excited about opportunities, the next you’re staring at yet another rejection email wondering if you’ll ever “fit the picture.”

I’m a fresh graduate, and honestly? Balancing applications with self-care has been one of the toughest things after finishing school. Here’s what’s helped me so far (and what I’m still figuring out):

PS. I will add a ADHD friendly checklist for Job hunting with ADHD at the end!

1. Start before you feel ready

I actually began looking for jobs while still writing my thesis. Whenever I couldn’t read another article, I’d switch tabs and check vacatures. Weirdly enough, applying became a break from studying — and it helped me feel less behind after graduating.

2. Agencies can help

One of my best “accidents” was applying through a secondment agency. Basically, they pitch you to companies they already work with, and if you get hired, they get paid. For me, it took some of the pressure off — like someone else was backing me up. Plus, you still get interviews and chances to grow.

3. Reframe rejection (hard, but worth it)

Let’s be real: rejection sucks. Especially if you’ve got ADHD + rejection sensitivity (which research says is very common). It can feel personal, even when it’s not.

What helps me: seeing rejections as data. This job wasn’t the right fit → now I know more about what I do want. Each “no” gets me closer to a “yes.”

4. Figure out your disclosure plan

This one’s tricky. Do you tell a company you have ADHD? When? How?

I don’t think there’s one right answer, but what helps is writing a mini script for yourself. Something that shows confidence, like:

“I have ADHD, which means I’m great at [strength]. Sometimes I need [accommodation], but I’ve got systems that work well for me.”

That way, if you do decide to share, you’re ready — and you won’t sound apologetic.

5. Balance effort with recovery

Job hunting is draining. After sending a few applications, I schedule something small to recharge: a walk, a chat with a friend, or even just blasting music. Otherwise, it’s way too easy to spiral into burnout.

💡 Final thought: Job hunting with ADHD isn’t easy, but it’s not impossible. Every application, every “oops that wasn’t for me,” every lesson is still progress. Be kind to yourself along the way — the right job is out there, and you’ll get there.

Checklist

Well… it escalated. Again.

I really wanted to celebrate my birthday on the 19th this year, but I’ve decided not to. Yesterday everything at home completely blew up — to the point where it was literally said that just my presence, and my partner’s, is “too much.” Because of that, we don’t feel welcome here at all anymore.

With everything going on, it doesn’t feel safe or comfortable to celebrate anything. I’m scared my birthday would become another excuse for anger instead of something warm or enjoyable.

It’s… quite something.

What hurts me most is that even my partner isn’t wanted here. He’s her brother — how is he not welcome in his own home?

I’ve been looking for housing every single day. I’ve been cleaning this house every day for the past two weeks. I’ve been trying to keep the peace as much as I can.

She even told me I shouldn’t ask her any questions because I “bombard her” when she comes home. Like — I’m sorry for showing interest? Sorry for trying to connect? She literally said she wants nothing to do with me. Fine. Then I’m done trying.

I called my mother last night and she told me I’m always welcome home, and that we’ll figure things out along the way. But I don’t want to leave my partner behind with his narcissistic sister. I don’t want him to feel abandoned. But if my existence alone is the problem, then I’ll gladly step back. If my absence would bring peace to this house, I’ll remove myself.

What really gets to me is that she told my partner she doesn’t even want him living here. That she literally leaves the house because she can’t stand the idea of us being somewhere under the same roof.

I don’t even know what to do with that feeling.

It’s October again. And I’ve realised this month hits different for me every year.

My birthday is two days apart from my biological father’s — a complicated person with a complicated absence. Combine that with my yearly seasonal depression kicking in around the same time, and my brain basically flips a switch on October 1st like “Right. Time to be sad again.”

So yes — it’s been a lot. I’m managing. Not always gracefully, but I’m still here.

And there is light.

Last week, I had a job interview — same kind of role as before, but this one would require up to three hours of travelling each day. Which sounds insane, but honestly? I don’t care. I’m ready to do something again.

Yesterday, I got a call.

“We’d like to invite you for a second interview.”

So we’ll see what happens!

Maybe October is about falling apart and gathering strength at the same time. I’m not fully okay — but I’m not giving up either.

So yes — I am currently unemployed. Which means I’ve channelled all my chaotic energy into driver’s licence lessons. 🚗

I had my first lesson almost two weeks ago and it went… as fine as something can go when you’re deeply anxious in cars. Let’s just say my instructor survived, and that’s a win.

With no job, I’ve just been studying theory like my life depends on it — because right now, it kind of does. There’s nothing else to structure my days.

As for living arrangements… well. My partner and I had to move in with his mother out of necessity while searching for a place of our own. That part is fine.

The complication is his sister.

She is — how do I put this nicely — emotionally intense. Opinions within half a minute. Expressive. Loud. And very clearly not thrilled about me moving in.

I was told everyone was fine with it, which made it sting more when I found out she wasn’t. She doesn’t talk to me. Doesn’t make eye contact. The air feels heavy whenever she’s around, like an invisible pressure on my spine.

And yet? What can I do? I search for houses every day. I’m doing my part. She can be upset all she wants, but the situation won’t magically change.

I respect that she’s been through a lot. I do. But I also wish she could communicate — or at least acknowledge I’m a human being and not a decorative lamp she didn’t approve of.

Maybe this is where I’m supposed to learn patience. Or resilience. Or how not to scream into a pillow every night.

May 2025 was my last blog post — which explains a lot, because I’ve basically been in survival mode ever since. I kept wanting to write, but between exhaustion and general emotional chaos, I just didn’t have the energy. But I’m back now, with updates that are… well, something.

Let’s start strong: I graduated. I passed my thesis! 🎓

Not without drama, obviously. My opponent asked questions so random I’m still convinced he didn’t read my thesis at all. I stared at him like, “Sir, which document did you study? Because it was not mine.” Naturally, that resulted in a lower grade — but I passed, and at this point, survival beats perfection.

Now, onto The Job.

I got hired straight after graduating. Yay! And then I got let go after four weeks. Less yay!

How do I even explain this politely? I accepted the job assuming they were ready for me — because, logically, if you hire someone, you’d think you’d have… oh, I don’t know… a desk? A chair? A plan?

Apparently not.

No desk. No monitor. No prepared tasks. Just me, floating around like an unpaid intern on day one.

I was hired to set up an Environmental Management department from scratch — which sounds fabulous until you remember I was a fresh graduate with exactly zero real-world experience. I spent the first two weeks begging for basic supplies and being dragged to random project meetings like a confused Pokémon someone brought to the wrong battle.

Then came the iconic Week 4 Conversation™.

I sat in a meeting with all project leaders and was asked:

“So, do you feel like you’ve had enough guidance?”

And I — in one of my more honest moments — simply said, “No, not at all.”

Turns out, they used to hire external environmental managers for each project, and none of them had been told I was coming in to eventually replace them. I was literally told by someone “don’t tell them yet, we don’t know how they’ll react.”

So naturally, I introduced myself anyway, and the poor employee started asking questions about processes I hadn't even been informed about. Cue awkward silence and me internally uninstalling myself from the situation.

I got the flu in Week 4.

On Wednesday, they called me to say my contract was being terminated.

Honestly? I wasn’t even surprised. Just mildly entertained.

CRAZY.

Healing, Hustling, and Hanging in There

Wow… where do I even begin?

The last time I posted was October 29th, 2024. That feels like a lifetime ago. So much has happened between then and now—May 2025—and honestly, I don't really know how to sum it all up… but I’ll try.

Let’s start with school. I’ve officially completed all my required modules, and in February, I finally began my graduation project—my thesis. It’s been a wild ride. Around the same time, I started antidepressants. That decision came after a long, frustrating wait and way too many phone calls. But looking back, I’m really glad I took that step.

The thing is, once the meds kicked in, I started realizing just how angry I had been for so long. Angry at the world, angry at myself, angry at how invisible my struggles felt. I was cranky, overwhelmed, tired… and under all of that? I was just sad. But no one seemed to notice—because I was still the girl who “managed.” The girl who always got good grades, kept up with everything, and didn’t really seem like she was falling apart.

But I was. It turns out, most of that “managing” was anxiety. And masking. I was diagnosed with ADHD in May 2022, at 22 years old. That means I spent years learning how to push through things in ways that weren’t actually healthy—they were just survival mechanisms. Now that my meds are helping quiet my brain a little, I’m starting to see how bad it actually was.

I still deal with anxiety—some days more than others—but it’s manageable now. And that’s huge.

One of the brightest lights during all this has been the people around me. Especially one person in particular: a girl from my project group who’s also doing her thesis. We clicked immediately, like we’d known each other for years. We can fangirl about the same stuff and talk about literally anything. It feels like God—or the universe, or whatever you want to call it—put us in each other’s lives at just the right time. I sometimes wonder why we didn’t meet earlier, but deep down I know: I wasn’t ready. I was still hurting. Still angry. We wouldn’t have connected the way we do now.

As for my depression? It’s still a work in progress. My doctor and I agreed I’ll continue with my meds at least until September. Right now, I’m not ready to stop—I’m feeling better, but I’m not fully recharged yet. It’s like I’ve finally pushed a heavy boulder into balance, and I’m scared that if I stop now, it’ll roll right back down. I want to give myself a real shot at long-term healing.

Now let’s talk about my thesis. We have a complicated relationship. I’ve just wrapped up 18 interviews—some were genuinely interesting, others were… well, torture. Especially the transcribing. Now I have all this data and I’m staring at it like, “What are you trying to tell me?”

I have four weeks left. Today was the last interview. And while the process has been intense, I’m grateful for the working environment we’ve created. My partner (who’s also working on his thesis) and I moved into a different part of the university building. I now sit with my thesis-bestie at our own little desks with second monitors, in a public area where we’re allowed to laugh, talk out loud, and just be. We said, “We only have four weeks left, we should be allowed to enjoy it.” And honestly? It’s been a little party.

My thesis focuses on communication strategies for the closing conference of a coastal project. It’s been a challenge—especially because my client kept changing his mind in the beginning. But now that I’ve started setting boundaries, things are finally calming down.

Oh—and on top of all that, I’ve been job hunting! My partner and I are planning to move to a different city—me, for job opportunities; him, to be closer to the university where he’ll start his master’s.

I’ve considered doing a master’s too, but right now? I’m 25, and after so many years of studying, I’m craving stability. And, let’s be honest—money.

The exciting news? I recently got in touch with a secondment agency, and they sent my CV to six organizations. Within five minutes, one of them called back saying, “We want her.” Tomorrow, I have my interview on location. I have a really good feeling about it—it could be an amazing place to start my career. So… fingers crossed.

October 29, 2024, marks my first day on antidepressants.

It’s been a long journey to get here. After my doctor’s visit on October 8th, I finally felt understood—she recognized my situation and felt confident that this was the right step for me.

Because of my ADHD, finding the right medication took some extra time. My doctor explained that the first two weeks on antidepressants could be really tough, especially with ADHD, where side effects are often even more intense. So we needed to find a brand and dose that would work well with ADHD and, ideally, wouldn’t interfere with my stimulant medication.

After what felt like endless calls and waiting, I finally heard back. My doctor said the specialist had approved my starting on Bupropion, a medication often prescribed for both depression and ADHD. In some cases, people with ADHD even use it without stimulants, but in my case, I’ll still take my stimulant medication alongside it.

Right now, I don’t feel much different—no side effects, no noticeable changes yet. So far, so good.

I’ve shared this with a few close friends and family, but I’m still a bit hesitant to tell more people. I’d rather not get pity or be drawn into debates about my decision.

Hi everyone! It’s been a while!

It’s honestly been so quiet over here, I can’t even remember the last time I posted (awkward laugh). Turns out, my last post was May 9th, and here we are on October 29th. So, in my defence, it’s not been that long, right?

But jokes aside, I’ve really missed writing. And more than that, I missed the freedom to write whatever, whenever. Somewhere along the way, I turned it into this “goal,” and the fun just…faded. Writing started to feel like a chore instead of the outlet I wanted it to be. This blog was supposed to be my space, a place to share everything—the joyful stuff, the struggles—without any judgement. But, honestly? I got in my own way, worrying about imaginary judgement that wasn’t even there.

Now, I’m learning to let that go. I’m finally allowing myself to feel whatever I feel, and to share it without fear or anxiety.

So, I’m back!

Living with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) brings its own set of challenges, especially when it comes to maintaining healthy relationships. As someone who has navigated the complexities of ADHD in various relationships, I've discovered several strategies that have been instrumental in fostering connection and understanding. Here are five tips for nurturing relationships while living with ADHD:

Practice Active Listening:

One of the most important skills in any relationship is active listening. However, for individuals with ADHD, it can be particularly challenging to maintain focus during conversations. Practice active listening by making a conscious effort to fully engage with your partner's words. Avoid interrupting and provide verbal and nonverbal cues to indicate that you're paying attention. Reflect back on what your partner has said to ensure understanding and demonstrate empathy.

Set Aside Quality Time:

In the hustle and bustle of daily life, it's easy for relationships to take a backseat. Make a deliberate effort to set aside quality time to spend with your partner. Whether it's a weekly date night or a cozy evening at home, prioritize moments of connection and intimacy. Use this time to engage in meaningful conversations, share experiences, and strengthen your bond.

Create Rituals and Routines:

Establishing rituals and routines can provide stability and predictability in your relationship, which can be especially beneficial for individuals with ADHD. Whether it's a morning coffee together, a nightly walk, or a weekly movie night, create rituals that you both look forward to. Consistency in these routines can help mitigate the challenges of ADHD and strengthen your connection with your partner.

Practice Patience and Understanding:

Living with ADHD means navigating a unique set of strengths and challenges. Practice patience and understanding with yourself and your partner as you both learn to adapt to each other's needs and quirks. Remember that ADHD-related behaviours are not personal attacks but manifestations of neurodiversity. Approach challenges with empathy and a willingness to find creative solutions together.

Seek Support and Education:

Don't hesitate to seek support and education about ADHD and its impact on relationships. Join online support groups, attend therapy sessions together, or read books and articles about ADHD and relationships. By gaining a deeper understanding of ADHD and how it affects your relationship dynamics, you can develop strategies to overcome challenges and foster a stronger, more resilient connection with your partner.

February 29th

My February favourites

Wow, what a journey it's been. As I sit down to reflect on my February favourites and the writing challenge I embarked on, a wave of emotions washes over me. I never thought I'd make it this far, especially when the procrastination hit halfway through. But here we are, and I'm ready to share my favourite moments from this (little longer) month-long journey.

February 3rd Tips for self-love

Looking back on this post, I'm reminded of the introspection and effort it took to compile those self-love tips. It wasn't easy, as I had to actively search for advice that resonated with me. But it was a crucial step in incorporating self-love into my routine, and I'm proud of the progress I've made.

February 4th Lyrics to a love song

Ah, the joy of discussing my favourite song! I remember eagerly sharing the lyrics and creating a charming picture to accompany them.

February 5th A letter for someone I love

This post was a challenge, but it turned out to be incredibly rewarding. Pouring my heart out in a letter to a loved one reminded me of the power of vulnerability and expression. And it's a reminder to myself to share those sentiments with my partner – perhaps not just on Valentine's Day, but whenever the moment feels right.

February 11th Someone I look up to

Rereading this post evokes a swell of emotions. It's like revisiting a time capsule of admiration and gratitude. And it's a reminder that expressing appreciation shouldn't be confined to writing – I can show my admiration in meaningful ways beyond the screen.

February 13th if I were a scent

This post just makes me laugh! I remember the struggle I went through trying to write this. I ended up asking chatgpt for help because I really didn’t know how to put my thoughts into words.

February 14th letter of appreciation to myself

This post holds a special place in my heart, evoking emotions that are both raw and empowering. It's a love letter to myself, a reminder of my worth and resilience. And it's a promise to hang it beside my mirror as a constant reminder of self-love and acceptance.

February 29th my favourites of the month

And finally, we come to the end of the journey. Despite the twists and turns, the procrastination and self-doubt, I stand here today with a sense of pride and accomplishment. Yes, I finished the writing challenge a bit later than planned (March 25th to be exact…), but that doesn't diminish the sense of achievement. I'm unbelievably proud of myself for starting this challenge and seeing it through to the end.

February 28th

Did I accomplish my february goals?

Did I accomplish my February goals? Some of them yes! A couple others? Not so much.

💪🏼 Past my last exam. Yes, I did! I can proudly say that I passed this exam with flying colours, and I do not have any exams left to take this academic year!

💌 Daily writing. Well not really, I am finishing my writing challenge in March… But I did finish it and that is all that matters!!

🍎Healthy eating. I didn’t accomplish this fully either, but I got better in trying to eat and that is a start!

📖 Reading, yeah well that book is still on the same page as it was when I started this challenge…

🫂 Social connection. Yes I did! I have been spending more quality time with my roommate!

🙏🏼 Gratitude practice. Kinda yes….. I have been more aware of my negative thoughts, and I have been practicing bending them to look at the bright side.

February 27th

The last dream I remember

I am someone who experiences multiple dreams almost every night, each one varying in its intensity and narrative. Sometimes, I find myself as the protagonist, experiencing the dream through my own eyes, while on other occasions, it feels more like I'm observing a movie or TV show, with myself as a mere spectator. As a visual thinker and learner, I've always attributed the vividness of my dreams to this aspect of my cognition.

Reflecting on my dreams, I've come to realize that they may be influenced by a combination of factors, including past trauma and the coping mechanism of masking. Growing up, I learned to pay attention to every detail as a means of self-protection, a skill honed through years of being in survival mode. This heightened awareness of my surroundings may have seeped into my dream world, where I meticulously recall scenarios and interactions.

One recurring dream that has lingered in my mind recently involves the anticipation of receiving my propedeuse—an academic milestone I've long awaited. In the dream, I excitedly check my phone to find an email from the examination committee, bearing the subject line "Congratulations!" The email informs me that I can finally collect my propedeuse on an upcoming Friday.

Eager to share my joy, I call my family to deliver the news, only to be met with responses that leave me feeling deflated. Their lackluster reactions—dismissively brushing off the significance of my achievement—echo the disappointments I've faced in the past. Despite this, the dream doesn't end in despair; instead, it serves as a poignant reminder of the resilience I've developed in the face of potential letdowns.

While I no longer wake up feeling disheartened by the dream, its underlying message lingers, prompting me to confront the possibility of disappointment and to find strength in resilience. In a way, my subconscious seems to be preparing me for the challenges that lie ahead, urging me to navigate them with grace and self-assurance.

Dreams, with their intricate narratives and hidden meanings, offer a window into our subconscious thoughts and emotions. Through introspection and reflection, we can glean valuable insights from these nocturnal adventures, gaining a deeper understanding of ourselves and our innermost desires.

February 26th

How can I make tomorrow better?

Good question! How can I make tomorrow better? Improving your tomorrow often starts with small, intentional actions you can take today. Here are some suggestions to make tomorrow better:

Plan Ahead: Take a few minutes to plan out your day tomorrow. Set realistic goals and prioritize tasks to help you stay focused and organized.

Self-Care: Dedicate time for self-care activities tonight to ensure you start tomorrow feeling refreshed and rejuvenated. This could include activities like taking a warm bath, practicing mindfulness or meditation, reading a book, or enjoying a hobby you love.

Get Adequate Sleep: Ensure you get enough rest tonight by maintaining a consistent sleep schedule and creating a calming bedtime routine. Aim for 7-9 hours of quality sleep to wake up feeling energized and ready to tackle the day.

Preparation: Take care of any tasks tonight that will make your morning easier. Lay out your clothes, prepare breakfast or lunch, and gather any essentials you'll need for the day.

February 25th

Describe my room

My room is really the room I do everything in. I’m still in university, so I don’t live with my mom. I live close to campus. And because I don’t have the ability to travel to my mom and back every week my room is full of the things I need for the whole year.

I live here almost 365 days of the year. So, I have a big closet filled with clothes, winter and summer and my bedding. I even store some shoes in there!

If you walk into my room the first thing you will face is the Ikea Kallax with mostly storage. Then to the right is my loft bed and couch, behind my couch I have my second Ikea Kallax with all my study books and my private book collection. To the left is my crooked desk (which needs replacement) with my monitor and my brand-new Nintendo swich.  

The colours of my room are all over the place, I am still in the transition of repainting my room, for now I have a greyish colour on one wall, a white wall and a brown wall…. OH and to make it even worse, my doors are light green…