coco ❦.

The marriage started off perfect. You and Jackie had everything. The white picket fence, two intelligent sons—one six, the other eight—and a mean three-carat wedding ring on your finger.

On the outside looking in, you were living the American dream. As time went on, the dream slowly formed into a nightmare. Jackie began to sneak in at wee hours of the morning.

His attitude felt like a ticking time bomb, never knowing when he was going to snap. He became more secretive, blaming it on his job.

The day your world crumbled was when Jackie told you he was staying late at work one night. “Okay baby! I’ll see you later.” You told him, hanging up the phone.

It was already pushing 8 p.m. so you got the kids ready for bed. They were great kids, grades kept high and sweet as apple pie. You decided to cook Jackie’s favorite meal, in hopes to ease the tension he had in the house.

He was still your husband, and you loved him dearly, but a rough patch had settled over your marriage. The arguments, him staying out late, the excuses, the lack of intimacy.

You knew marriage came with ups and downs, and you believed it was just time for yours. The mashed potatoes sat warm on the stove, and his favorite chicken began to cool down.

You decided to stay up and wait for his arrival. You wanted to show him you were still showing up for him, even when times are hard.

You sat on the couch staring at the grainy drama show on television.

9:10 p.m.

You decided to go ahead and eat, you made his plate in the process and set it in the microwave.

10:00 p.m.

You yawned, attempting to rub the sleep away. “Mommy…is daddy home?” Your youngest said, looking through the spindles of the staircase.

“Not yet baby, go on back to bed. I’ll tell him you said goodnight.” The small heartache tinged at your heart watching the slow head nod from your child.

His tiny feet pattered up the stairs and you let out a sigh.

11:00 p.m.

“He’s just busy.” You muttered to yourself. You curled up on the couch, head resting on the pillow, knees tucked into your chest.

Your breath began to slow down as you fell asleep.

•••

The soft clicks of a door brought you out of your sleep. You sat up while rubbing the sleep out of your eyes and watched as Jackie trudged through the door.

Your eyes darted to the clock, processing that it was 2 a.m.

2:00 a.m.

Your eyebrows knitted together and you felt a boiling pot of anger taking over. You stayed up, cooked for him, and even slept on the damn couch, just for him to walk in at 2 in the morning.

“Jackie, what the hell?” You tried to keep your voice low knowing your kids were upstairs. His eyes lazily looked at you, “Why are you even awake?” He asked.

His voice held no concern, not even sparing a second glance. “I…I waited for you. I even cooked for you.” Your feet met the carpet as you stood up to walk over to him.

As you got closer, your stomach began to churn. A light floral perfume lingered around him.

You hated the smell of flowers.

You shook your head, assuming you’re imagining things. “Sorry, baby.” He leaned down to kiss your forehead, which only made the smell slightly stronger.

You placed your hand on his chest, feeling the rapid heartbeat that wasn’t obvious to the naked eye. “Where you been Jackie?” You whispered.

You prayed in your head, that it wasn’t one of your worst fears.

Please God, please God, please God

A large ball of anxiety was caught in your stomach as you waited for his response. “I already told you work.”

“Not till no two in the morning, Jackie.” you crossed your arms, feeling your vision blur from tears.

“Don’t make no stupid ass assumptions.” He nudged past you, making you slightly stumble back. “Your children were looking for you, Jackie.” Your voice slightly raised, turning towards him.

His tall stature just eased into the kitchen as if he couldn’t feel the heavy weight of the allegations you were implying. “I’ll see ‘em in the mornin’.” He pressed a button on the microwave, letting his food warm up.

You pinched the bridge of your nose, feeling an incoming headache. This wasn’t the man you married. It felt like you were looking at a stranger.

“Don’t play in my face right now.” You let out a shaky exhale, every nerve ending rattling in your body. You thought about the times Jackie would hold you when you cried, reassure you, and build you up when you felt broken.

“Ain’t nobody playin’ you always on my ass about something. Just go to bed, damn.” The fatigue in his voice made a pang of guilt flow through your heart.

But your mom didn’t raise a fool, and you refused to be treated wrong. “Just tell me the truth, that’s all I ask.” You kept your voice steady, even while your hands shook by your sides.

The slight whirr of the microwave stopped, and he remained quiet as he took his plate out. Once he grabbed a fork, he made his way to the dining table. “The truth is I’m tired of you accusing me of bullshit.”

“I’m not crazy Jackie, and you’re not about to treat me like I am.” You sat across from him, refusing to look away from him even while his eyes refrained to meet yours.

He took a bite of the mashed potatoes, swallowing before sighing. “I think you are, baby. Now can I get something to drink?” The nerve he had.

Waltzing in here like he’s a king, not hearing his wife’s concerns. “Hell no, get it your damn self.” Your eyebrows felt like they were permanently sewn together, refusing to relax in the face of a liar.

“Look, woman.” his hand smacked against the table making you jump. He leaned over the table, closer to you, and the smell of the perfume made you light-headed.

“Get it through that damn skull of yours, ain’t nobody cheatin.” As you stared into his eyes, you realized the void look they possessed. A chill ran through your spine.

A small mark caught your attention as his shirt collar slightly unfolded. A dark purple bruise peeked above his collar. A dark purple stain of lust.

One tiny mark.

One tiny mark that sent your family down the path of destruction.

“Then what the fuck is that?” You muttered, voice refusing to raise. Your gaze locked on to the mark, and his eyes flickered, noticing he slipped up.

“Nothin.” He sat back in his chair, trying to fix his collar but it was already too late. The kitchen chair scraped against the hard wood floor as you marched upstairs.

“Come back here.” Jackie said, not too loud but not as quiet either. His words fell on deaf ears as you continued upstairs, heading straight for the bedroom closet.

The bedroom where the two of you ate Chinese food in bed at midnight, laughing till your stomachs hurt. The bedroom where your wedding portrait hung above the bed frame, capturing a version of you two that didn’t exist anymore. The bedroom where Jackie promised you forever.

You never thought forever had an ending.

You waited for tears to fall. You waited for the heartbreaking agony you knew was bubbling. It didn’t come. The woman who cried over sappy movies, who cried when she was yelled at, and even cried reading books, felt nothing as she stood in the midst of infidelity.

You grabbed a suitcase and tossed your clothes inside. The shifting of hangers and the sound of Jackie’s footsteps coming upstairs meshed into one.

You wanted nothing more than to get out of here. Jackie finally walked into the room, noticing your frantic hurry to pack your stuff. “The hell are you doing? Put your clothes back.”

The silence settled heavy between you two. His wife who wouldn’t even hurt a fly held a blank face. “Baby.” His long legs carried him to you, and a large palm pressed against your shoulder.

“Don’t touch me.” Your voice came out low, no ounce of feeling in your tone. He watched you, noticing the stoic expression as you shrugged his hand off you.

He finally realized how serious the situation truly was. “Let’s just talk about this.” He grasped your elbow. “Ain’t nothing to talk about Jackie.” You tugged your arm away and walked towards the shared dresser. The dresser that held up the framed photo you, Jackie, and the kids on a summer beach day.

You began to take clothes out of there, hoping to rid of any proof you stayed here. “You really about to leave me?” Jackie tilted his head with a scoff. You felt offended that he truly thinks you were gonna stay with him after this.

You remained silent, grabbing even your jewelry off the dresser. His eyes followed you noticing you had no intentions of stopping. “Baby, wait, talk to me.”

The steady hand as you zipped the first suitcase worried him. The creeping sensation of guilt crawled upon him, and he realized what he’s done.

The silence was gnawing at him, he wanted—no—needed you to say something. “I’m sorry, ma.” The soft snores from his children in the other room, felt like a bullet to his back.

He ruined it.

“Sorry for what, Jackie.” Your gaze fell on him, seeing nothing but a stranger who threw away his family for a moment of pleasure.

“For hurting you.” His voice shook, and his eyes searched the room, trying to find a sense of redemption. “How did you hurt me?”

He knew what you wanted. Not another excuse or dismissive apology, you wanted the truth. The nasty confession of the sin he committed. “I-I-“ Never in all your years of knowing Jackie had you seen him look so afraid.

“Say it.” Your voice cut through. He almost felt nauseous being put on the spot. You’re the emotional one, not him. Never him. But he hoped for the earth to open and swallow him whole to escape the burning feeling of regret.

“I stepped out…of our marriage.” He fixated on the floor, too ashamed to meet your sullen eyes. The emptiness of words only increased the tension between the two of you.

You slowly nodded and directed your attention to the now cluttered suitcase. You didn’t want to know the details, you’d rather spare your pride. You quietly zipped the final suitcase.

“Baby, listen to me” Jackie attempted to grab your hand but was met with air as you moved away in a hurry. You walked out and down the hall, Jackie trailing behind you. “We can fix this, please.” The begging would’ve torn you apart.

If only you weren’t already.

You quietly opened the children’s room, preparing yourself for the questions they may throw at you. The room was dark with a gentle flood of light from the moon shining through the window.

The boys were asleep, soft snores filling the room. Dreaming of kiddy problems, completely unaware of the crack running straight through their parents’ marriage.

“What the hell are you doing?” Jackie didn’t bother to quiet his voice, too overwhelmed from the lack of emotion he received. You didn’t respond, moving to their closet and gathering their own suitcases.

Jackie felt the choking pressure of reality, watching as you stuffed the children’s items in the suitcases. The small rattles from hangers had the oldest slightly shift, gripping tighter onto the stuffed dinosaur.

You moved across the race-car rug, moving to grab a few of their toys. superhero figurines, cars, trucks, wrestling figures.

It felt like a knot was stuck in Jackie’s throat, not budging an inch no matter how many times he swallowed. Once you packed the main things, you reached for the oldest, tapping his shoulder with such gentleness.

“Don’t you dare wake my son up.” Jackie’s voice had bass in it, unaware of the volume. “Daddy?” The youngest sat up, rubbing his eyes.

He focused on the familiar figure in the room, making him out in the dark. “You’re home!” The urge to reach out for him took hold of you, wanting to take everything away from Jackie.

“Hey little man.” Jackie squatted down, gathering the small child in his arms. Jackie hoped the weight of his sin didn’t get in the way of the father he once was.

“Wake up, honey.” You whispered to the oldest, continuing to shake him. The soft cotton of his shirt shifted as he stretched his lanky body.

“Mom?” He finally sat up, looking at you with an exhaustion in his eyes. He noticed Jackie standing by the entrance, and his face shifted to confusion.

Based on the moonlight and the quiet street, he assumed it was still late. Too late for both of his parents to be standing in the room. “What’s going on?”

“Nothing, baby, we’re just going away for a little.” You let out a smile, a struggling one. He wasn’t a baby. He knew something was wrong. He couldn’t exactly figure out what.

“Where are we going?” he asked. “Nowhere.” Jackie stood up, the youngest still cradled in his arms. “Jackie, we are leaving and that’s final.”

The oldest watched as his two protectors went back and forth. Voices holding nothing but malice.

“They’re not just your kids, are you insane?!” Jackie stepped closer to you. “Me? Insane? Jackie be serious. Get the hell out of the way.” You grabbed the suitcases, shoving past Jackie.

You set them by the entrance of the house and went back upstairs to grab yours. You were infuriated. Jackie cheats on you and expects to still claim his kids.

You expected to feel sadness, melancholy, maybe even sickness. But only the flood of anger rushed through your veins. “Come on y’all.” You told the kids walking back into the room.

The youngest didn’t have much of a choice as you took him from Jackie’s arms. The oldest, who tended to be a mommy’s boy followed your instructions. He slid his bare feet into his slippers and put his black framed glasses on.

“Son.” Jackie’s eyes were on him, noticeably glazed over. He noticed his father staying out more, but like any child, he’d believed his mother’s excuse that daddy was just working.

“Yeah?”

“Come here.” Jackie squatted to be at the same height as him. Jackie always dreamed to be the man that his son looks up to. At this moment, he hoped it didn’t come true.

As his son’s smaller legs walked over, a wave of guilt and regret took over, and most of all

Disappointment.

Now that his son was standing directly in front of him, he was at a loss of words. He did this. He ruined the family. He studied the little face in front of him, and it felt like his own features stared back.

It felt like staring at a reflection of his younger self. “I love you, man.” Jackie muttered, his hands reached up, adjusting the boy’s glasses properly.

“Love you too, dad.” The boy’s arms came up, wrapping around Jackie’s neck to embrace him. Jackie fought back the painful cry he wanted to let out, and hugged him back.

He failed his family and now he had to live with it.

6 months later…

“Don’t forget your bag, baby.” You told the oldest as you took the youngest out of his car seat. It was finally Friday so Jackie has the kids for the weekend.

“I got it, mom!” He swung the Spider-Man bag upon his shoulders, slightly wobbling from the weight. The youngest weighed heavy in your arms as you lifted him from the car seat and set him down on the pavement, grasping his tiny hand into yours.

Every time you dropped the kids off at Jackie’s place it felt like you were walking into a black hole. Legally, you were still married, but the divorce was already underway.

Jackie made you fight tooth and nail for him to sign. He demanded you sit with him to have one last discussion, a chance at his redemption but in the end your mind stayed firm.

As time went on, and you continued dropping the kids off, Jackie only seemed exhausted. The weight of his life he’d thrown away seemed to hang on his shoulders. His eye bags were darker, he was losing weight, but he always carried a smile when he saw the kids.

He refused to let them see their own father breaking down. Of course there were questions from the kids.

“Why aren’t you and daddy staying together?”

“Did y’all break up?”

“Will we live together again?”

Eventually, the questions became less frequent, and they’ve gotten used to the dynamic. The oldest figured out what was happening already.

Conversations of divorce whispered around the house and he couldn’t help but listen. He didn’t fully understand, but he knew his father smiled less while his mom cried less.

“Come on, baby.” You told your youngest as he was distracted by a random crack on the ground. You heard the door crack and your eyes lifted to see Jackie walking out.

A dark Jean jacket covered his arms to avoid the cold weather. His hair was grown out forming the cloud like Afro he had when you first met.

God, the memories.

You could almost perfectly envision running into his arms when he surprised you for your birthday. A kiss pressed against your forehead and a promise he’d never leave you.

Promises weren’t always true.

You cleared your throat as you and the kids walked closer to him. A small gust of wind blew past your cheeks, sending a chill on your face.

“Hi dad!” The youngest called out, removing his palm from yours. His heated hand was replaced by the whipping air as you heard his shoes pat against the ground till he reached his father.

“Wassup little man.” Jackie crouched to pick him up, a smile bright on his face. They might not notice, but you did. The smile never quite reached his eyes.

The oldest came closer, tugging on your sleeve. You squatted down, face to face with your child, who resembled Jackie to a T. “Love you.” He wrapped his arms around your neck, small Afro tickling your cheek.

“Love you too, baby.” You rubbed his back, warmth flooding your heart. Jackie set the youngest down, greeting the oldest with a hug. You could tell he loved his kids. You just wished that was enough for him.

“Gon head and get settled in the house, I’mma talk to your momma.” The kids wasted no time to run inside, excited to receive their weekly McDonald’s meal.

Jackie watched until they were out of sight, door closing, leaving you and him. You gnawed at the skin of your bottom lip, itching to turn and bolt to the car.

You had a date in a few hours anyway, and you still needed to redo your hair. “How you been?” Jackie asked, sliding his hands into his Jean pockets.

“Just…living. You?” You attempted to keep eye contact with him but the nostalgic connection circled heavy around the two of you.

“Same” a small silence floated in between, “you look nice.” His eyes trailed your outfit. A white long sleeve dress with a cream trench coat. His attention drifted to white platform heels he loved on you.

His heart tightened. “Thank you.” You smoothed down any wrinkles on the dress, not addressing the fact you had a date.

None of his business anyway, but the disgusting itch to throw it in his face lingered. That wasn’t your character, you rather not kick a man whiles he’s down.

“Heading anywhere?” It felt like the universe teased you, giving you the opportunity to throw out your selfish wants. “Just to eat.” You kept it vague, hoping the conversation would end there.

The question he wanted to ask cracked at the opening of his mouth, begging to spill out. As much as he didn’t want to know, he needed to know.

“You seein’ somebody?” The world paused around him, anticipating your answer. He noticed the way you hesitated, lips opening and closing slightly, thinking of an answer.

“Yeah.” Silence. Jackie’s heart broke once again and he knows it’s his fault. He slowly nodded, “He treatin’ you right?” As much as he was hurt, you still meant a lot to him.

He wish it wasn’t too late to show you.

You nodded, a corner of your lips slightly lifted. Jackie noticed, he always does. “Good.” Rather than feeling bad, you felt empathetic.

Empathetic to the man that broke your heart. “Take care y’hear?” Jackie nodded his head at you, large boots taking small steps back.

“You too.” You muttered, not turning around just yet.

A small look of acknowledgment passed between the two of you. Your eyes drifted to the house you once shared.

Six months ago, you’d thought you grow old there. Now you only visited once a week.

With a quiet sigh, you opened the door and slid into the driver’s seat. Your hands rested on the steering wheel for a moment.

Silence filled the car, and in that silence, you’d acknowledge the woman you’d become.

Jackie remained on the porch, watching as your car disappeared down the street. A realization hit him, the realization that nothing he could say or do, would bring you back.

He was once the love of your life, your soulmate, your husband. Now he’s just the father of your children.