i think it’s time for me to post my dissertation, birkingate: or the case against abby langdon. i’m normally a huge defender of the fictional ex wife, but she shot herself in the foot by asking for a birkin. my evidence will be compiled into three categories: facts about birkins, facts about their marriage, and speculation.
one does not simply walk into a hermès boutique and purchase a birkin. you have to be a long term customer and have good rapport with the sales associate before they “offer” you the opportunity to buy one.
on average, birkins cost between $13k and $30k.
the average emergency room resident makes around $70k per year. they’re also slammed with student loans.
the closest hermès store is in king of prussia PA, which is a 4 and a half drive away. it would take langdon 9 hours total to get this handbag which, again, he can’t get unless he’s been making this commute regularly to get on the sales associate’s good side.
facts about the langdon household:
langdon gambled a whopping $200 in order to potentially cover the cost of this purse.
it’s not a happy marriage. pball said that he clocked this immediately and even wondered why he needed to buy a dog to save this relationship.
dana mentions that abby is home with the kids all day, which makes this a one income household with two small children living on $70k a year. (obviously there’s nothing wrong with being a stay at home mom, this is just a statement about their financial situation.)
the handbag seems like an apology. it’s like she said “oh, you got our kids a $1k puppy? well i want a $15k purse”
langdon comes from a working class appalachian background. when he meets the fort pitt actors, he says his parents took him there “when we came down to visit family”. the further north you get from pittsburgh, the further you get into the mountains and the more rural and blue collar the communities become. this theory is corroborated by pball’s playlist, which contains a lot of classic country including the famous appalachian folk song, “o death”.
pball also said that he played football in undergrad, and if he does come from a working class background there’s a chance he was a scholarship kid.
making a request this big shows that abby is used to having a lot of money. if we run with the theory that he’s from a working class background, it brings us to the possible conclusion that abby did grow up with money and has high expectations.
tldr: abby langdon, you NEED to divorce your husband and marry rich because his soulmate treats the stale pretzels he got her from the break room like they’re the body of Christ
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