you don’t realize how important lunch is until you’re wandering around thinking about how unloveable and untalented and uniquely cursed you are and then it’s 4pm and you finally eat lunch and you go Oh. oh right.

"sorry for party rocking" I don't think you are. I think you're sorry you got caught

fellatio sounds like a supporting shakespeare character rather than oral sex on a penis to be honest

first cryptid you ever run into as a little kid is called Best Friends Older Brother

You have turned this glory hole into a hole of dishonor and you must leave immediately

you stole dog blood

I love the death grip after the toy was fixed up. Lessons were learned. Try to steal it this time you fucking bird. I dare you.

my thrall told me it wanted to be more independent so i imprisoned its soul in a necklace. how's that for in de pendant you little shit

crack the egg of sympathy and make the omelette of compassion