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For the last several months I’ve been struggling with a lot of things. It’s been really bad since October, but it became unbearable in April. I had finally had enough and was going to change things, but my body was against me. It was far too gone. I blacked out and cracked the back of my head on my window sill. Once I came to, I fell backwards again, hitting it a second time.

I couldn’t get up, I was too weak. I was scared and alone. I, a grown woman, called her mum and cried trying to explain what happened. She quickly called 911 and came rushing over. Once I had gotten up, they rushed me to the hospital. My oxygen was so low that if I hadn’t gone in, I would have died.

After many tests, they saw that I had CHF (Congestive Heart Failure). Including low oxygen, a small concussion and a long list of other things. I had no idea how badly off I was. I was in the ER for a day or so, before going to the ICU for a week, moving up to another floor for another week or so. After that, the doctors insisted I go to rehab to gain my strength back.

I agreed and was there for a little over a month. It took a long time to get me into “okay” shape, before they allowed me to go home. But, only days later, I was sent back to the ER, released and sent back again days later, held for a few days and released before going back a week later. My potassium levels were too high and my kidney function was dangerously high. They had to flush me out and watch for my heart at the same time.

Now it’s been almost two weeks and things are starting to look up. I’ve had blood work done left and right, x-rays, heart scans, ultrasounds, all kinds of things. My doctors are looking hopeful.

I wanted to try and change, to be more normal. I want to be like so many others. You know, those regular folk, who get up every day for a reason? They actually have a purpose in life. Be it school, college, work, kids, a lover, family, friends. Whatever.

What it boils down to, with all that I've tried to do. I don't have any of that. Is it possible to truly be broken? That someone just isn't able to be part of this world? You're too stupid, useless, fat, ugly, unwanted to be apart of it? Because I truly think so.

I do not believe that everyone who is put on this earth has a reason to be here. It just seems impossible to me. I think I'm apart of that group of people. I'm a fat, ugly, waste of space. I don't give back to anyone or anything. I live on state assistants, because I'm too afraid and too depressed to work. Not that anyone would hire me. I'm a grown as woman with no background history.

I don't want to die. I don't feel suicidal. I just don't want to “be” anymore. I just want to be gone. To just end. I often think of life like a movie, that it eventually ends, but it can be re-winded to start all over again. Because when I think about death and how final it is, it freaks me the fuck out. Like how is it possible to be a living breathing person one minute and just GONE the next? It doesn't seem real. So when someone's life ends, they just start over. I am not naive to think this is how it really works, but because I don't know what happens next (none of us do) I simply can't grasp and understand it.

Criminal Minds last night though!

Can we just all agree that last nights episode was one of the best ever? I had my breath held the entire hour! I cried out when the shooting began, stunned beyond words.

I had to do this to protect myself. Person after person kept breaking it. To someone I loved and wanted to be with, to a friend, who I cared about. Everyone around me began to hurt, to disappear, to reject, to replace me.