A Kiss Of Chaos

Finally back on this dash after losing myself to alcohol and a brief interlude into drugs. My memory took a hit and I forgot all about this blog until I was cleaning out old emails from a not so often checked inbox... Oops 😅 hey it's hard to keep up when you have like 8+ emails and all the passwords are changed years ago.

For the time I've been gone, I lost my gallbladder, survived a drunken suicide attempt, a mystery fall which I still don't have any clue how I got home (🤔 maybe one day it'll be revealed), I learned that LSD is NEVER a good idea for high anxiety ridden people like me. That one is a hard lesson I'm still trying to overcome. (The PTSD is real...almost 3 years and still get flashbacks and have health/mortality anxiety triggers. Fun.)

I admitted to having a problem with alcohol, and seeking sobriety. Took me 6 months to stop denying it fully, then was clean for 3 months and am now back up to 49 days clean. I don't drink, smoke, do drugs, or consume caffeine (not even pop/soda or tea. All herbal baby 😉)

Also, I go by a new name, Hi I'm Mia 👋🏻

In between the 6 months and 3 month reboot, I found solace in books. One of which has been the ground work for a lot of my personal growth. More and more I keep finding new things to love about myself that I couldn't accept during my drinking days and when my mental health problems were unchecked.

I found faith as well. Which in a way has always been there just disconnected. Again, a book helped me connect to the deeper side of this aspect of myself. I found that my love and belief in God is supposed to be personal. One on one.

A far cry from what I was taught as a little girl. It was always deemed as a bad thing if we didn't go to church on Sundays, or if I didn't pray every night for more than 5 minutes bad things would happen. But that isn't true, now that I've let go of my messed up perspectives of yesteryear. (that's a fun word 😁) And many years of spiritual anguish. I'm more full. Of life, love, and burning passion for learning and self improvement.

What the book let me in on is learning to be grateful for what's been blessed upon me in life. That God will find a way to those who wish to have a connection. That he doesn't need to be forced upon anyone. (which is why I stayed away, felt jaded by God because of the demands of each church and the specific doctrines enforced)

Both books gave me the lessons of perspectives I didn't have nor want before. Gratitude and openness to believing in something greater than myself. To break down how I feel and keep questioning. To know that my emotions aren't rational for the most part even though my BPD mentality tried to tell me they were.

It's not about my feelings, it's about my actions in which I chose to react with them that matters.

I look back now empowered by the dramatic changes made to my life. I'm more me than I ever have been. I'm reaching goals, breaking out of comfort zones, and taking each day as it comes with optimism.

Change is welcomed now where it was avoided before. I hold myself accountable for the first time in a long time. And it feels amazing.

❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ Book recommendations that helped my journey: