the widening gyre

- How the word 'Ibiza' is pronounced

- Whether or not silicone-based lubricant counts as a liquid vis a vis CATSA regulations

- Whether or not it is acceptable for Ilya to free up suitcase space by not packing underwear

- A recurring argument that is now simply known as the Skin Cancer Fight, which resulted in the purchase of four different bottles of sunscreen.

- Ilya wants to wear coordinating outfits so that they can do the Pink and White fit check TikTok meme. Shane tells him with his mouth that this is stupid and secretly wants to do it so badly that he emails his stylist from 2017.

- No Ilya Anya cannot come to Spain (x8)

- Ilya hides Shane's neck pillow because he wants Shane to use him as a pillow. Shane buys a new one at the airport and Ilya doesn't speak to him for an hour (Gives up eventually because he's bored.)

- "Hollander, I don't think CATSA will care enough to search your bag unless the butt plug is shaped like bomb--" "Ilya you can't say that word in a fucking airport--"

- Flavor of gum to chew to make their ears pop on the plane.

- Ilya spends the entire month pre-honeymoon on a relentless campaign to convince Shane to join the mile high club. Shane ducks and weaves like his fucking life depends on it until they get into a whisper-shout argument about it on Shane's parents' back porch the night before they leave. Argument ends when Shane snaps, "Of course I think it would be hot!" and Ilya laughs for so long he has to sit down.

- Does a very quick and silent handjob underneath a blanket in the back row of first class count as joining the mile high club? A debate that gives them a good hour of entertainment.

- Shane does not want to go to a nude beach. Ilya thinks that this is because he's a prude (he's fucking not) and they argue about that (He undresses in front of twenty other guys for a living Ilya.) until Shane admits that he's worried about how jealous it will make him when Ilya's insane ass is inevitably the star of the show on the gay nude beach.

- "I did not think you noticed these things, lyubimyy." "Fuck you, I may be a bottom but I'm still a man and I'm not fucking blind--" (New Argument+)

- "How was I supposed to know that hair mousse counts as liquid?? Is not liquid when it comes out! Is mousse."

- Argument that is triggered when Shane realizes that Ilya has been keeping him occupied with stupid silly spats so that he doesn't make himself insane with anxiety over the continued fallout from events pre-wedding until they are in a private villa on the Mediterranean Sea about a million miles from anyone who cares about hockey.

Sometimes, Grace will do it without thinking. That’s how Kiddo and Buddy got their nicknames. Often, Grace will nickname students after their coloration. Gaia got his nickname because he’s blue and green, and apparently looks a lot like Earth. Violet got hers because she’s purple. (She was initially disappointed since color means nothing to Eridians, but then Friend Grace showed them violet flowers and said that humans often associated purple with wealth and royalty, and she changed her tune.) Most of the time, Grace will give his students what he calls “regular human names” like Abby, Carl, or Martin.

But the most coveted nicknames are ones named after Earthen creatures. When ♩♪♬ 🎵 ♩♪♬ 🎵 first introduced themselves, Friend Grace immediately perked up and shouted “Robin!” After a bit of explaining himself and a few videos of bird calls, Robin was trilling and chirping happily, excited at having a nickname that felt like a 1-to-1 translation of their own.

Luke: My sister?

Han: Yeah. Thoughts?

It's like a bunch of screenshots and pics gathered from over the last Literal Decade, perfectly capturing just how whipped Ilya was from day fucking one and how much he made it Svetlanas problem.

She captions it something like "So happy for my best friend and his better half. Even happier that said best friend can now tell other people about how many freckles are on Shane Hollanders' entire body, or what his least favourite sheet texture is because that's really none of my business but I have been forced to know <3"

because, they’re always seen clubbing together!! 🥺And in each others posts and replies!! 🥺🥺 And they spend time together and talk to each other!! 🥺🥺🥺 and men and women can’t just be friends!!!! 🥺👉👈

And naturally because they’re both the most charismatic sexy people alive, the internet has been obsessssedddd with their relationship (and their refusal to confirm anything about their relationship) for YEARS.

The joke that Svetlana is Ilya’s Shrodingers girlfriend breached containment yearsss ago, so they’re a well known, widely speculated and fucking ICONIC ‘couple’.

SO when in 2021, the fanmail leaks and Hollanov confirm they’ve been in a relationship for YEARS….

oh it does NOT go down well

the twitter stan wars go INSANEE. The Hollanov shippers are partying with their victory after years of being called conspiracy theorists and the Ilyeta (Ilyana? Svetya??) shippers are going BALLISTIC.

there’s dozens of viral posts with cheating accusations captioning clips of Ilya and Sveta making out at the 2012 new years countdown, or Sveta taking bodyshots off of Ilya’s abs in 2014.

the most annoying people you know are making devastated YouTube-style-apology vids on Ilya’s behalf on TikTok, and the comments are tagging Sveta over two thousand times

Svetlana and Hollanov are genuinely frustrated because they were literally never dating??? Helloooo??? You think she would want to date this fucking loser????? Uhm noooooo????

And because it’s rapidly becoming a biphobic, slutshaming mess for both Ilya and Svetlana.

(PLUS the people are taking any chance to infantilise Shane, implying he’s been hoodwinked by the evil Russian playboy because the combined power of infantilising Asians and demonising Russians is unchecked on the internet)

Ilya Rozanov as Fleabag

They are also, crucially, having the filthiest and nastiest sex that two guys in their twenties with an extremely willing monogamous partner can think up. Things are WILD. They are Yes And'ing each other in ways that they are legit going to have to process by sitting quietly alone in a room for an entire day at some point in the future.

They're going at it raw, of course. Ilya is spitting in his mouth and making Shane thank him for the privilege, then calling him a slut when he does. Shane is letting Ilya chase him through the woods. He's wrapping Ilya's fingers around his neck and begging while Ilya tightens his grip. Ilya decides at one point that if Shane can't come on his cock alone then he doesn't get to come. Shane doesn't receive oral a single time at the Cottage without having to swallow his own cum. Ilya walks around with a piece of gauze on his forearm because Shane bit him and drew blood. Ilya fucks Shane with his nose way up inside Shane's armpit the entire time, huffing and licking. Ilya comes on Shane's face in the shower and Shane is so far down and loves the feeling of being marked so much that he asks Ilya to piss on him. Shane is never more than two minutes away from having Ilya's tongue or dick in one of his holes, no warning given aside from a command to spread his legs or get on his knees.

So one year for charity different pro athletes get asked to participate in a live game based on one of those “how well do you know your partner” games but instead it’s “how well do you know your rival” and participating means you get to raise money for a charity of your choice and obviously Shane and Ilya want to promote the Irina Project so they agree and go up against other current famous rivals from other sports

And Shane and Ilya discuss ahead of time that obviously they’ll have to just play things off as they usually do, light hearted chirps back and forth and what not, “winning” is just for the show and won’t impact how much money gets made for their charity so it doesn’t matter. Except then they get there and become overtaken by the need to Win and Be the Best and they are the best. So without needing to discuss changing the plan, as soon as the questions start they lock in and decide that actually they have to demolish everyone else

The other rivals are laughing and making jokes at the questions but Shane and Ilya are deadly serious and the host starts to get a little weirded out by the fact that they actually know the answers and aren’t just saying things like “how many goals last season? Probably one less than me haha” and actually have each others stats memorized

Because the audience is loving it they go to a lightning round that’s just Shane and Ilya and it’s now the usual couple game questions and they’re still getting them right because they can make excuses for knowing later, right now is about Winning

“What is Shane’s favorite breakfast?”

“Kale protein shake with a scoop of peanut butter and a handful of blueberries.”

“Ok um, what is Ilya’s favorite breakfast?”

“Two sausage egg McMuffins with an extra slice of cheese and hashbrowns.”

“What is something on Shane’s bucket list?”

“Sleeping in one of those see through igloos under the northern lights.”

“What is something on Ilya’s bucket list?”

“That thing where you feed giraffes at a zoo.”

“Ok last one. I think we all know Shane’s answer is former paramour Rose Landry, but who do you think is the most famous person Rozanov has ever slept with is?”

*through teeth gritted so tight he is in danger of chipping one* “Probably a model. Or something.”

“… Yeah, let’s go with that.”

for @isthatbloodonhisshirt 🖤🖤

and the truth is that the team was playing against someone ilya and/or shane ESPECIALLY hates, which means shane was dropping the most vicious, lethal reads known to man and making ilya crack tf up to the point that they were attracting attention and the coach was just afraid of someone reading lips and getting them all in trouble

and signficantly, the three person buffer between them just keeps shane from SAYING his comments

But I feel like this is the point of connection that gets Shane to actually accept Troy as a guy he can vibe with. They make the mistake of putting Troy as one of the guys in between Shane and Ilya only for Shane to keep muttering things and Troy to pick right up where Ilya left off on dragging people. Troy may have been a homophobic menace for a while but not he’s a homosexual menace and Shane can very much so get down with that. Ilya has almost as much fun listening to them banter as joining in.

and the truth is that the team was playing against someone ilya and/or shane ESPECIALLY hates, which means shane was dropping the most vicious, lethal reads known to man and making ilya crack tf up to the point that they were attracting attention and the coach was just afraid of someone reading lips and getting them all in trouble

and signficantly, the three person buffer between them just keeps shane from SAYING his comments