OctopusMonkey

Bus drivers who see you running and open their hole are better public servants than any cop.

their what now?

every time I see a photo of a bear it’s like. that really is the ideal animal. large. fat. virtually indestructible. vaguely resembles both a large dog and a person. absolutely could and probably would maul me but nonetheless looks extremely huggable. 10/10 creatures, immaculate

No reason why bear ears need to be shaped like that except to tempt us all

i hate this god damn bastard language

every single one of these fits the rhythm of the song. i sang each one of them. :D my mom’s addition was always “hit him in the face with a vick’s inhaler”

I don’t know why this is so funny, but it is. Sing it. Go on. I’ll wait. 

EAR-LAY IN THA MOOORNIN’!

“I’m so anti-fascist I report my friends and neighbors to the feds”

“I would have never snitched on Anne Frank! Anyway, here’s a person I’m related to at the capitol!”

Hey I don't know if you know this but snitching on someone for storming the capitol with intent to kill someone is not the same as snitching on someone for the crime of... *checks notes* being a jewish child

sometimes you have to pretend your kitchen is a club dance floor and get a little whorish while cooking your frozen pizza. it’s called living deliciously in a pandemic