Blue Writes Things

*FLASHBACK*

The two of them were walking hand in hand around the school not really knowing or caring where. Just spending time together as Sirius animatedly talked about a prank he and James pulled off and something about how “Mother’s going to be sooo pissed!”

They were standing by a window, the sun perfectly shining through casting a beautiful golden light onto Sirius, making him look almost angelic. So overcome with emotion he couldn’t help thinking about all the amazing times they’ve had together, how much he loved Sirius. Remus was so enraptured in how Sirius looked he didn’t realize he had been staring.

“Earth to Moony!” Sirius called, making Remus jump out of his trance “What’s that pretty lil’ head of yours thinking about?” He tilted his head like a curious puppy.

“Just about how much I love you” Remus smiled sweetly, squeezing the hand he still had intertwined with his own.

Those seven words caused Sirius to freeze and tense up, eyes wide and flicking all over Remus’s face. "I- I-" he let out a distressed noise from the back of his throat. Remus noticed tears start to prick at the corners of his eyes.

“Sirius-” he didn’t get a chance to finish as Sirius tore away from him, sprinting in the opposite direction, a hand clamped over his mouth. Now it was Remus’s turn to freeze, his arm still slightly extended from when Sirius pulled away from him.

Sirius avoided everyone for the rest of the day and didn’t show up to lessons or meals. James tried to talk to him when he was curled up on his bed but he didn’t know what caused Sirius to retreat into himself and instead of saying anything Sirius just shook his head and locked himself in the bathroom. He stayed there for most of the next day.

The group was tense all day; it was weird not having Sirius there.

Remus finally saw him when he went back to the dorm to grab some textbook. He walked in to see Sirius curled up on his bed and wearing one of his jumpers, but what really broke his heart was that he was crying.

“Sirius, love”

Remus crouched on the floor next to Sirius “Pads, look at me” he said gently. When finally he did, Sirius quickly wiped his tears as if in a final attempt to hide he was crying “Pads, what’s going on?”

Sirius just shook his head and wrapped his arms around Remus’s neck hugging him tightly “Sirius- can’t breath” Remus said with a light voice. So Sirius let go for one second before grabbing Remus’s wrist and hauling him onto his bed, wrapping around him like a Bowtruckle to a tree.

Remus asked once again a bit later (after lots of cuddles, kisses and a long nap together) about what happened but Sirius just shook his head and buried himself into Remus’s shoulder. So Remus dropped it.

*FLASHBACK OVER*

Remus has said it three more times after that; Sirius didn’t pull away like that again but he still didn’t return the phrase. He would tense up for a moment but then give a soft smile and kiss Remus.

Remuss’ insecurities and self-doubt had started telling him Sirius didn’t like him the same way Remus did him. Maybe Sirius just didn’t want to break things off as it might hurt the group, maybe Sirius wanted to break up with him but didn’t know how?

But now It was their year and a half anniversary. Remus had spent a long time setting up a nice evening together, as they were walking hand in hand around the lake Remus stopped walking, making Sirius turn to look at him.

“What’s up Rem?”Sirius smiled, but Remus didn’t answer. He pulled him into a kiss, it was a kiss full of love and emotion, making Sirius completely melt into Remus.

“I love you so much Sirius” Remus said once he had pulled away, resting his forehead against the others. Sirius tensed and gave him a scared smile and pulled him to another kiss.

But Remus pulled back, looking deep into his eyes “Sirius, why do you never say it back? D-do you not love me?” he had tried to keep his voice steady and calm, maybe even a little assertive but he still stammered at the end. Not fully knowing if he even wanted to know if Sirius loved him or not.

“What? N-no! Moony- Remus it’s not like that!” Sirius’s eyes widened and he looked frantic.

“Then what is it Sirius? Cause to me not saying ‘I love you’ back to someone pretty much means you don’t. That may just be me but that’s how I feel.” Remus’s voice raised a bit and he was frowning, Sirius was yet to meet his eyes.

“No it’s not- I just- You’ve got it all wrong- I-,” Sirius was stammering and was shaking slightly.

Remus pulled his hand away from Sirius’s “I can’t keep giving my love and trust into someone who won’t return it Sirius. It’s eating me up inside, it hurts when you do things like this, when you don’t even tell my why” Remus took a deep breath turning to look back at the castle,

“Sirius, until you figure out your feelings I think...I think we need to take a break” It took every ounce of his Gryffindor bravery to say that, his heart and his mind were screaming at each other. One saying don’t leave him you love him, the other saying leave him he doesn’t love you.

“No!” Sirius shouted, calling Remus’s attention back at him, looking into Sirius’s eyes. The normal soft grey was clouded with absolute terror “no, no, please don’t leave me! I’m just, I-”

“Just what Sirius?!” Remus didn’t mean to snap at Sirius like that; what he really wanted to do was pull Sirius into a tight hug and say it was ok, that he wasn’t going to leave him, but he also wanted to know what Sirius was going to say.

“I just can’t say it, ok!” Sirius yelled, Remus opened his mouth to reply but Sirius kept talking, like floodgates opening “I can’t say it because I don’t know what it is! I don’t know how it feels to have someone lov- care about me like this, like you do. And I hate myself for that cause I have these feelings that I’ve never felt before.”

Remus was frozen, staring at him, Sirius’s voice went quiet “When you hold me, when you smile, when you say that, those three words I get this feeling of warmth and light and happiness inside me, and- and it terrifies me because I’ve never felt that before.”

Sirius finally looked Remus in the eye; they both had tears rolling down their cheeks. Remus walked back over to Sirius, taking his hand and resting his other on Sirius’s cheek, the other nuzzling into it slightly closing his eyes.

“Sirius, that’s all I needed to hear” Sirius flicked his eyes to Remus “because that warm feeling in here” He raised their interlocked hands to Sirius’s chest, over his heart.

“That is exactly how I feel, cause that’s what love feels like Pads”

“Y-yeah?”

Remus smiled at him with a nod pulling Sirius into his chest with a tight hug, Sirius clinging to him just as tight head in his shoulder.

“I don’t expect you to say it back to me. I get it now. But I’ll probably say it alot more now” Remus smiled slightly into Sirius’s hair.

“You’d better, cause I wanna be able to say it back”

They pulled away slightly to look at eachothers eyes both with small, slightly sad smiles.

“I love you, Sirius” Remus kissed his head, Sirius smiled brightly before burying his face back into Remus’s neck.

And Remus was almost certain he heard Sirius say,